I wasn’t aware of fellow HelloGiggles contributor Bobby Box’s previous post on the top ten most inane Facebook statuses when I hit a social media wall this week. My newsfeed had just seemed particularly clogged with intimate details I wished I could unsee.
While I certainly don’t mean to undermine Bobby’s authority on uncalled-for status updates, I’d like to contribute a few of my own least favorite facts to learn about my Facebook friends.
And for the record, I’m absolutely guilty of committing more than one of these social networking sins, so I hope we can all learn something from this.
1. The explicit details of that workout regimen.
Hey, it’s great when someone takes an active role in his or her health. Really, kudos to them. And the fact that they’ve kept up their physical fitness past the January gym rush? Super impressive. But all those updates on the miles they’ve logged/calories they’ve burned/bendy poses they’ve mastered are sort of unnecessary. Honestly, I’d be okay not knowing whether or not some people woke up before sunrise for bootcamp/Zumba/Bikram and I might even sleep better at night if they left a little mystery about their moonlit jogs/squats/crunches. I’ll be the first to tell anyone how fantastic their butt looks in those new jeans, but I’d prefer not reading the details of how it came to be so perky in such a public forum.
2. That injury/infection/unidentified skin condition.
One’s Facebook network is there to offer support, friendship, encouragement and introductions to terrible reality shows that have yet to be discovered. That network, however, is not there for medicinal purposes. Instead of Instagraming that alarming wound, it would be great to bandage it up and maybe apply a dab of Neosporin. Or better yet, take it to the emergency room. And if the updates are coming from the emergency room for whatever gruesome reason, a vague message indicating that person’s survival is entirely sufficient. Sharing those artsy scar shots snapped through a cool photo filter isn’t necessary, really.
3. The heart-wrenching details of that messy breakup.
I’m totally committed to supporting my closest friends through their failed romances. I’ll come equipped with Kleenex, rocky road and a laundry list of reasons why that guy or girl was a complete tool. But I’m rendered completely dumbstruck and useless out of sheer discomfort when a casual Facebook acquaintance chronicles his or her heartbreak in a status update. I don’t know whether to “like” the post in solidarity, offer my condolences in a comment or simply ignore the uncomfortably candid confession. I’m so much better at that scenario in real life, with people I actually know, I swear.
4. That angry rant about the traffic jam/supermarket checkout line/crowded bus.
Look, life can be super annoying. No one enjoys sitting helplessly behind the wheel of a woefully stationary vehicle during rush hour. Supermarkets can be cutthroat survival-of-the-fittest scenarios. And buses just generally smell weird. But we all deal with these little irritations, and reading about others’ irks only ups the general level of daily exasperation. I’m sorry that Facebook friend had an unfortunate encounter with a meter maid, but frankly there is no “dislike” button yet, so I just can’t offer any help.
Despite these downers, however (which yes, I am aware I can hide in my newsfeed), there are plenty of uplifting updates I see every day while trolling the site in full-on procrastination mode. So please, never stop sharing photos of reluctantly costumed babies, random cat videos, reasons to love Ryan Gosling, or the very best Saved by the Bell quotes.
See, Facebook can be fun for everyone.