Breakups are the worst. Correction: Getting DUMPED is the worst. The humiliation, the horror, the difficulty of understanding and accepting that someone is dumping YOU.
But here’s hoping, if you’re getting dumped or if you’re doing the dumping, that at least some element of class is maintained. After all, at one point you either loved or really liked each other.
So without further ado, and also as a gentle reminder, here are a few things you don’t want to hear when you’re being dumped.
1. “It’s not you it’s me.”
Could we BE anymore cliché? Yes, that’s usually what happens when you break up with someone. You’re in a relationship, you’re on the same page, until one of you becomes miserable and decides they don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, or you both become miserable and drive each other insane. When this happens, try something other than the trite, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I’ll accept, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now,” or “you deserve someone who will treat you better,” or if you really mean that it’s the other person, perhaps constructively and kindly explain to them what’s wrong and offer to help them (as much as you can without hurting yourself).
2. “You’re just not my type.”
I had a guy text this to me AFTER I dumped him. In other words, I pick winners. This is just mean. Don’t be mean during a breakup. Be understanding, mature, and compassionate.
3. “The sex just. . .isn’t. . .good.”
Okay yes, sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, but again, this is mean. Maybe it is true, and if it is, hopefully this is something that you both recognize. If not, this is something you don’t need to mention. Be honest, but don’t say something that can hurt the other person. This includes saying this behind your ex’s back after the breakup.
4. “You’ve let yourself go.”
Have you no manners?! You’ve probably let yourself go too! Isn’t that how relationships work? You get comfortable, you go out and eat brunch and pasta cause WHEN IN LOVE, and then one morning as you’re squeezing into your skinny jeans, you wonder if you’re pregnant. You’re not. You’ve just been eating too well. Also, what about the whole ‘like someone for who they are?’ Isn’t that the basis of relationships?
5. “I’m in love with your best friend.”
Ah the inciting event of Obvious Child. Well if this is the case, they deserve each other. You’re better off without both of them in your life.
6. “I’ve been seeing someone else.”
I’ve always been a fan of ‘If you’re tempted to cheat, breakup, then see someone else.’ I just think that’s fair. Which may explain why I’ve never been in a relationship for longer than a year.
7. “I never really loved you.”
8. The sound of him typing on his computer. You look over to see he’s on OkCupid.
What. Are. You. Doing?
This happened to me. Hurt. Stung. Got a joke out of it. So THANKS.
9. “I hate all of your friends/parents/cats/dogs/goldfish”
This is also sucky. Because then you think back on how they must of pretended to like the things you liked. And now you’re wondering what else they’ve lied about. Also, you don’t want to say this to someone when breaking up with them, even if it is kind of true. Because if you ever do get back together, now your friends/parents/cats/dogs/goldfish are going to hate them too.
10. “You’re just not smart/funny enough.”
Once again this is mean. And personal. And something I’ve heard. Sorry, the line was, “I can’t wait until you turn 30 and realize you’re not funny.” I’m going to guess he was projecting. Actually, I’m glad he said this to me. Just makes me want to work harder and it’s all the closure I need.
11. “To the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left”
Or any song lyric for that matter. Let them down easy, without clichés or song lyrics, please.
Bottom line: be nice and be compassionate. Breakups are hard enough as it is. Don’t make it harder by emotionally punching someone when they’re down. And if you’re going through a breakup, remember, it gets better.