The best guys are like caramel apples. Really sweet on the outside, but then like, nourishing, no-guilt sweet on the inside, too. With a big hard stick poking out of them, ha ha. Penis joke!
No, but really, stop making me write penis jokes. You guys are disgusting.
I spend a lot of time loving on women because (1) women are lovable and admirable and the only people I want to spend 80% of my time with, (2) It’s important to support other women vocally because it’s not 2050 yet and doing this really can help encourage women and employ them in Hollywood, the world, etc and (3) karma, man. When I’m 90 years old and an old bag of bones trying to find work, I want young, hip girls on HelloGiggles to make me popular virally and get me guest spots on network sitcoms.
So now I thought I’d devote a small amount of time loving on some guys. Obviously HelloGiggles is a site for safe, ongoing adoration for the worthy likes of Lena Dunham, Jessica Chastain, Serena Williams, Amy Poehler and Nancy Pelosi. These are great women and I salute them all. But in case you wanted a little guy distraction, here are some of the best kind of guys, in my opinion.
Aaron Sorkin characters:
I love Aaron Sorkin characters because I, like the rest of the North American world, have a fondness for witty, East Coast-y, over-educated, well-dressed Jewish guys. The typical Sorkin character is a bleeding heart liberal who is the tiniest bit sassy. They are also deeply moral. The West Wing was entirely populated with these guys, and they frequently had to stand up for what was right. You knew there was a stirring Sorkin speech and some good W. Snuffy Walden scoring on tap every episode.
Self-Effacing NBA players:
Lamar Odom has served the same role on the Los Angeles Lakers as he does on the Kardashian shows: he is the secret star. Lamar is sweet, retiring, adores his wife and is five million feet tall. An amiable NBA player with even the slightest amount of self-awareness is so rare it’s like Kim Kardashian without makeup on: totally intoxicating. Besides the obvious surface qualities – being tall, incredibly athletic and rich – I think its great that NBA players travel a lot. I’m a big fan of absence making the heart grow fonder, etc. (But I always think you should see your boyfriend and husband infrequently, so you’re constantly in a state of star-crossed longing like The Notebook.) Dirk Nowitzki, Ray Allen, Steve Nash… these are some other guys who fall in this category.
My dad is incredible. Bad dads may be the source of much the worlds greatest literature, but a good dad makes life so much more wonderful and bearable. My dad gave me his car when I moved out to Los Angeles, which is already very generous, but then he made my older brother road trip across our continent with him to deliver it to me. That’s just like a good dad: turning a gift to one child into a reluctant bonding experience with another.
In the Next Installment of These Are My Favorite Kinds Of Guys…
-Your Uncle Who Taught You About Puns