War.  What is it good for?  Absolutely nothing.

I didn’t just think of that right now (I came up with it a while ago) but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.  Does war suck? Is war good for something? How many wars are there?  Why? I’m not gonna dive into a college paper or anything but you should know that I took a philosophy course once (so I’m qualified to ask those kinds of questions).

I was watching The Daily Show* recently and it totally opened my eyes to the fact that people are now declaring war on literally anything that they don’t like.   That includes but is not limited to: terrorism, drugs, Christmas, Hanukkah, tradition, salt, sugar, bread, food in general, fossil fuels, you name it.  With no end in sight (I thought of that too), I came up with a great idea: I’ll declare war on things that I hate.

The War on People Talking to Me When I Have Headphones In

I have one question and I’m asking it in a very chill, very non-threatening tone: when I have headphones in my ears, does it look like I want to hear about Mick Romney (whoever that is)? If it does, my bad because I really don’t. When I’m alone in public, I like to be completely isolated.  It’s me, my podcast and Best Buy, and we’re definitely not looking for a fourth.  It’s straight up not cool to approach me when I have headphones on…end of story.  Whenever this happens to me, I  spiral into a tirade about boundaries and the crumbling of society as a whole.  I like to point out that I was concentrating on something really important. Something like solving a riddle or making a pros and cons list of eating fast food that day.  Maybe I was writing a classic Twitter joke that would have won me a best of the day trophy.  We’ll never know, ‘cuz my concentration was broken. Bottom line is, respect.  I’d love to get a war going to spread the word about this hot button issue.  I’m talking PSAs, awareness campaigns, documentary films – anything that will help put an end to me being out of my comfort zone – having to talk to a stranger or something crazy like that.

The War on Asking Question 

I haven’t asked a question since 1993.  You have Google.  Use it.

The War on Nutritional Facts

I don’t want to know.  It’s not like I go to Chipotle, look at the chips and think to myself, “These are probably good for me.”  I know what I’m getting myself into, yoooo.  I just don’t want to know all the details.  Every reputable (fast food)  restaurant nowadays posts the number of calories that are in their food right up on the wall.  Thanks for making me feel like a jerk.  It’s exactly like how reunion specials ruin the fun of watching a season of Jersey Shore.  Can’t we just enjoy some ignorance?

The War on Pouring Coolers of Gatorade on Victorious Football Coaches

Can’t we just be done with that?  You’re wasting so much Gatorade that I could be drinking.  Plus it’s kind of cruel.  If I were a football coach, about to win the big game, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it at all.  I would be too nervous, anticipating the ice cold shock of 500 ounces of neon blue liquid running down my back. I imagine it feels like you’re being stabbed by thousands of tiny ice knives.   It’s probably so sticky, too.  Like being tarred and feathered or slimed on a Nickelodeon show.  (For the record, I have nothing against Nickelodeon Slime,  it was just a good example.  In my opinion, a celebrity hasn’t truly made it until they’ve been slimed.)  Let’s just put an end to this pointless, weird tradition.

The War on Robert DeNiro Saying Yes to Every Movie Offer

C’mon, ya raging bull, you’re better than that.

The War on the Reduction of Drinking Fountains Across America

Look to your left.  Now look to your right.  Do you see a drinking fountain? No? 50 years ago you probably would have.  What is happening to all the drinking fountains?  I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist or anything, but we got tricked.  Our society basically chose to start paying for water.  When I was a kid, water was free.  We got it from a drinking fountain or a faucet.  Then one day bottled water became a thing and we were all like, “Okay, I like water…yeah, I guess I’ll pay for it.”  Big  :/

I actually like bottled water, but I don’t like that I can’t find a working drinking fountain anywhere.  I can think of like sixty times recently where I was all excited for some water and a drinking fountain didn’t work.  America doesn’t care about water fountains.  BOOM, I said it.  I would love to see the US’s water fountain budget.  It’s probably around three hundred dollars because I would be shocked to find a working water fountain within ten miles of me.  Turn these back on please!  That’s all I ask and then we won’t have a war.

The War on Tummy Aches

Raise your hand if you’ve gotten a tummy ache today.  Now look around.  Yep, thought so.  Everyone.  Tummy aches hurt, tummy aches debilitate and I don’t want to stand for it anymore.  This war has been fought for generations but let’s ramp it up.  Fiercer rhetoric, more posters, spokesperson.  I think we all want this.

The War on Sunday Nights at 9:30

“Dread” is the perfect word to describe the evil vortex of awfulness that is 9:30 on a Sunday night.  I have always and will always dread this stupid, stupid time because of what it represents.  As I’m writing this, I’m feeling physically and mentally sick just thinking about it.  As a kid, this time felt like a death sentence to me.  I remember that sinking feeling in my stomach and thinking to myself, “I’m gonna die one day and it’s probably gonna feel something like this.”    I didn’t hate school or anything but who doesn’t love the freedom and next-level-chillness that comes with the weekend?  One-Saturday-Morning, Batman, waffles, the mall, Saturday Night Live, pizza – weekends were a laugh a minute thrill ride.   What suck is that even today, when I have a job that I love and look forward to, I still get the same feeling when the clock makes that stupid, stupid, pie slice shape.  I was discussing this with my grandpa recently and he told me that that feeling NEVER GOES AWAY.  Oh thanks, you basically just ruined the rest of my life with that bit of wisdom.  No.  NO!  You don’t own me, Sunday  night at 9:30.  I’m declaring war.  I don’t know what this war would look like but that doesn’t change anything.

The War on Most Restaurants Not Having a Potato Bar

What if every restaurant had a potato bar?  Think about it.  Join me.

Take this poor-man’s manifesto and run with it!  Together we can change the world.  If we stand up against the things that we hate, like when there’s an itch that you can’t reach or when the last few nachos have no cheese on them, we can put an end to all of these travesties.  I want to live in a world where everyone gets to see The Avengers at midnight and it’s never sold out!  I want to live in a world where eating ice cream alone isn’t sad! I want to live in a world where there’s an Apple genius for all of us!  To the future!

(Featured Image via Wikimedia.org)

*Instant cred