The Subtle Art of Facebook Stalking Your Ex Ashley Perez

Oh, Facebook, you cruel mistress, you.  Now, I have to be perfectly honest and say since I am not actually a middle-aged man with a mistress, I don’t really know first-hand what a cruel mistress is. However I imagine the phrase “cruel mistress” is meant to allude to something that is supposed to give you immense pleasure, but instead brings you unimaginable pain. Therefore Facebook, or “the book” as my cooler friends call it, really is a cruel cruel mistress.

You see there are two things in my life that I am indisputably the queen of:

  1. Facebook stalking
  2. Having long unrequited crushes (on guys who, BTW, turn out to be gay 82% of the time… don’t ask me why, it’s a mystery like the Bermuda triangle – that is, if the Bermuda Triangle were gay)

So what do these two indisputables mean for me?  Generally speaking, it means that at the end of a long, drawn-out, bittersweet crush, I am left with nothing but saved GChat conversations and of course, the ability to “see [our] friendship” via Facebook, which I hate to admit I “see” more often than not.

Here’s the thing about Facebook stalking, it really is an art form. Much like camping in the wilderness, the key to survival is: do not disturb the wild things around you and most importantly, leave no trace behind. You may be laughing now, but this is serious, people – one wrong “like” and your whole cover’s blown. BLACK HAWK DOWN. TITANIC SUNK. NO MORE SOY MILK AT THE GROCERY STORE. 

Take it from a veteran: you have to be focused and discreet as you stalk or inevitably you’ll end up like me, realizing you know exactly 0.00 of the gingers (redheads) in the ginger family Christmas album you’ve been casually browsing for an hour (p.s. my best friend is a ging and I use this term with the utmost love and respect, no H8).

So how exactly do you go about stalking an ex (crush/boyfriend/bestie)? Lucky for you, I’m about to share with you the secrets of the stalking universe….

  1. Tread lightly: I’ve said this about a bajillion times already, but I can’t stress it enough. Resist the urge to click anything other than the next button! Think of the “like” button as the number 3 in that minesweeper game that comes preloaded on your cool new ’98 PC… you don’t know exactly what it will do, but you know it’s bad news bears.
  2. Stay focused: Don’t let your mind wander as you go through your ex’s profile pics for the 92nd time. You have a mission here, to detect any and all signs of new lovers, the fact that he’s wayyy over you or that by some chance, he’s completely miserable without you (note: the last one almost never happens).
  3. Never eat/drink near a computer/phone: If you have any kind of junk food near you as you enter the dark world of Facebook, you will inevitably eat all of it and then you’ll be the one who gains 10 pounds and is miserable. Secondly, don’t drink and drive, but just as important, don’t drink and Facebook. I’m serious – even a single glass of wine with the girls can lead to complete and utter disaster when it comes to Facebooking. If I had 4 million dollars for every time I unfriended my ex-crush when I was one too many margaritas in, I would have 16 million dollars… that’s a whole lot of cash/embarrassment, people.
  4. Be cool: Finally, arguably the most important element of Facebook stalking is once it’s over, act like it never happened. It’s a rookie mistake to accidentally mention in front of your ex (who you are attempting to act completely nonchalant towards) that his camping trip with his dad looked really fun. Doh. Don’t mention the camping trip, you noob, THE ONLY REASON YOU KNOW ABOUT THE TRIP IS BECAUSE HE WAS TAGGED IN A PIC (let’s be honest – boys hardly ever post albums,which makes it much harder to get an update).
So there you have it, the 4 musts of Facebook stalking – guaranteed solution to getting your fix of the guy who are still 97.2% smitten as a kitten with.

And finally, some final thoughts on Facebook stalking. Is it healthy? No, not really even a little bit. Does that matter? Absolutely not. This is the 2010s, people (are you supposed to say ’10s like your say ’90s? This seems strange). Anyways it’s the ’10s, people, a brave new world of cyberhood has emerged where you can’t just stalk people in the good old fashioned way (at night, behind a bush). Meaning if you want any hope of getting over your ex, you’re going to have to do it, Opa! Facebook style.

But let’s be really honest with each other and admit that what should take say two months max (aka getting over someone) usually takes more like two years, and by that time Taylor Swift has released a whole new album of ever so nuanced (and completely different than her last album) love songs, which brings us right back to where we started from… clicking through your profile pics wondering why our love wasn’t destined for greatness.

So really when you think about it, your cyber-stalking is all Taylor Swift’s fault.

Note: I have “subtly” removed the name and eyes from this screenshot of my Facebook… now he will never know (muahahahahahahaa).
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  1. Thanks God it doesn’t have the old “Who’s viewed my profile?” feature. Facebook was made for stalking–thank you very much Mr. Zuckerberg.

  2. LOVE this. I was just saying last night that I am a professional stalker and God help me if anybody I date finds that out. This was a very funny read. THANKS!

  3. honestly, ashley are you stalking and writing about me?!?!?
    jk jk, just that we share a lot of reigns if you asked me.
    that whole stalking thing is right up my alley as well as, how I refer to this, my “CURSE” which is falling for gay men. WHICH btw, I don’t get how I never notice until someone else points out the apparently OBVIOUS truth… (Examples, Lance bass, anderson cooper, etc..)
    And by the way Im an excellent stalker on and off Facebook and yes I take pride on my fine work.

    Take care and thanks for writing about things that I can always relate to.