Hey guys and gals, welcome to first installment of The Stamos Story Hour! Don’t worry, this won’t actually take an hour and if all goes according to plan, you’ll get some laughs that will make you wish it were an hour! (Or not. But seriously, should you be interested in getting me to tell you an hour-long story then that will be just as easy as one-two-slice of pizza, trust me.)
Today’s story is called “See You on the Dance Floor, Elizabeth Reaser’s Cousin!” and for anyone who attended the last HelloGiggles show at UCB Los Angeles, this might sound familiar. And for the rest of you, never fear, soon you’ll understand just what sort of danger you might be dealing with when it comes to rotating dance floors, and probably you’ll learn some other stuff too, like how a strange combination of orthodontics and a popular drama series don’t always make for the best talking points.
First things first, you need to know that I used to be obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy. I bet some of you think you are TV fans but I’m taking about a FAN. Like you are not a real TV FAN until you find that you spend the majority of your hours on the internet researching your show, learning lingo for your show, discussing your show with other fans, visiting fan websites, you maybe have a LiveJournal account devoted to your fandom, and all that jazz. So when I say I was a fan of Grey’s Anatomy, what I mean is that I used to be a serious hardcore diehard lovesick fan of Grey’s Anatomy. (Yes, I used to be, because sadly my obsession waned somewhere in the fourth season).
So five years ago, about six months after I had graduated from college, that was when my Grey’s obsession really peaked. It was early spring and previously that winter I had had major jaw surgery which was really like this insane two year process that was horrible and I have seven titanium plates in my face but also for the two years of pre-surgery prep and recovery I had braces. I had adult braces. I had braces and I was living with my parents and I didn’t have a job. My face was still a little swollen. And I had weird peach fuzz growing on my face because of something to do with the ramifications of seven hours of anesthesia and a two-month liquid diet.
So let’s go over that list:
- Lived with my parents
- No job
- Swollen cheeks
- Peach fuzz
As you can imagine, I spent a lot of time watching TV. And I was deep in the throes of my Grey’s Anatomy obsession when it was time for my cousin’s bar mitzvah.
These cousins of mine are kind of fancy, and the actual party was taking place at the top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York City, at the Rainbow Room. Now for those of you unfamiliar with the Rainbow Room (and for non-fancy cousins, that’s most of us), all you really need to know is that it’s fancy and it has a rotating dance floor. Like a giant rotating circle of wood etched out in the floor of the room and it rotates – so all the tables surrounded the dance floor in sort of a horseshoe shape, and then everyone could sort of run around and dance and pop back to their tables, etc. The dance floor isn’t always rotating. But it’s there.
The bar mitzvah was my first time out and about at some fun event post-surgery and while a huge part of me wished I was just at home watching Grey’s Anatomy and thinking about Meredith and Derek and if there was a way I could have sex with McSteamy and if Kate Walsh and I would be best friends in real life (um, obviously we would), I decided that I was there at a party with an open bar and as I was, once again — single, living with my parents, unemployed and had adult braces — I might as well get drunk.
So I got really drunk.
At some point between the dinner course and the slideshow of my cousin through his impressive mere thirteen years of life, my dad came over to me, grabbed my arm and said something like “Blah blah blah (remember? Very drunk) the owner of the Pistons’ is here blah blah his wife blah blah her cousin is an actress in LA and she’s on Grey’s Anatomy.”
“GREY’S ANATOMY!” Obviously, I hopped – no – I rocketed up from my seat and just ran after my dad where he deposited me in front of the table where these people were sitting. He introduced me to them and I heard something like “Blah blah blah my daughter blah blah blah blah she is a huge fan of Grey’s Anatomy.” And then he walked away
So I started talking! And I launched right into what I wanted to talk about, which was Grey’s Anatomy.
Here’s a snippet of what I remember from that conversation:
Me: OMG I love Grey’s so much it is my favorite show.
Lady: We love it too! We got to visit the set last month.
Me (now dying inside): OMG
Lady: My cousin has a little guest role!
Me (um duh why do you think I am over here): Who is she?
Lady: Oh you won’t know her it’s a small part.
Me (yeah no, I’ll know her): I might know her.
Lady: She’s playing the lady who’s face was ripped off and she forgot her identity and then this –
Me: Oh yeah, yeah, Ava/Rebecca. That’s Elizabeth Reaser.
Lady (look of creeped out surprise on her face): That’s my cousin.
Me: OH MY GOD! YOUR COUSIN IS ELIZABETH REASER!!!!
And then I proceeded to list off Elizabeth Reaser’s IMDB credits (keep in mind this was pre-Twilight) and that was right around the point where this nice lady and her husband started to get super uncomfortable. I was also uncomfortable but it was like I just couldn’t stop talking. I was so drunk and again, as I had just recently spent two months living like Bubble Boy, it was essentially as though I could no longer function normally in society. And I could sort of see myself doing this, like being this giant freak with adult braces and I just couldn’t do anything to stop myself. It was the most extreme case of verbal diarrhea I’ve ever self-diagnosed!
And then I said to the lady “some people have told me I look like Elizabeth” And then I grinned. And there were my braces!
And the woman didn’t say anything.
AND THEN THE DANCE FLOOR STARTED TO MOVE! And unbeknownst to me, I was standing on the dance floor. And Elizabeth Reaser’s cousins were not. So I started to move. And they did not.
I like to think that if God existed, then at that moment in time he saw what was happening and thought to himself “Holy moly, this girl needs to shut up.” And then it was as though he was scooping me up with his giant cane, like for the end of a Vaudeville act, and that dance floor started moving and it took me right along with it. And you know what I did? Nothing. I just shrugged my shoulders and thought “Well. I guess I’m done now.”
Fast forward to the next morning when I woke up and there on my TV was the menu screen to a Grey’s Anatomy DVD playing over and over and over again.
And then, while I hit “Play All” and put some wax on my braces, I couldn’t help but smile, because the night before I had met the cousin of a recurring character actress on the third season of my favorite show of the moment, Grey’s Anatomy, and that was kind of awesome. And then I vowed to myself that I’d never set foot near a rotating dance floor ever again.
That concludes today’s Story Hour. I have many more Stamos-y antics to share, but in the meantime I hope now you’ll think twice about getting adult braces, or drinking too much at your cousin’s bar mitzvah, or maybe spending time memorizing IMDB credits for little-known TV actors. Do you have any equally embarrassing tales to tell? Anyone else ever encounter a rotating dance floor? Or have you ever really embarrassed yourself when it came to talking to or about your favorite celeb? Leave your own story in the comments below or tweet me at @stamos. It’s been a pleasure sharing with you!
Dance floor photo via ShutterStock