The seventh episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey picks up right where the sixth episode left off: right in the middle of the “Tit for Tat” game with expert, seasoned “Tit-for-Tatters” (the formal title for players of “Tit for Tat”), Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga. Have you guys ever seen the movie, It Takes Two, starring Steven Guttenberg, Kirstie Alley, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen? Don’t get distracted by the intrinsically LOL-actor references, because it’s a really good movie. I only bring up It Takes Two, because Teresa Giudice kept quoting the movie during her entire sit-down. I heard “It takes two” more than I heard “I’m sorry,” so “it takes two” was pretty much the over-arching theme of the entire sit-down. Despite her obvious culpability, Teresa would only acknowledge that Melissa was equally at fault for all of their familial discord, since “it takes two.”
The other theme of the Teresa-Melissa sit-down was “tit for tat,” since the ladies seemed to go back and forth without achieving any real progress or more importantly, forgiveness. Doing her best silent referee impression, Jacqueline sits idly by in her kitchen, eavesdropping on the entire conversation, trying not to cringe as she hears the women bickering back and forth. The only break in the game of “Tit for Tat” occurs when Teresa brings up a disgruntled plumber that her brother owes money to, and Melissa ingeniously replies: “Do you really think you are in any position to talk about money right now? Because I would not go there.” Placing a temporary, legal Gag-Order on herself, Teresa does not respond to Melissa’s snide comment about owing money, but that’s just part of the “Tit for Tat” game. Just like love and war, there are no rules in the “Tit for Tat” game.
Even after Teresa and Melissa hug it out, and they both agree not to “re-hash” the past, Teresa can’t even help herself when she tears into Melissa with, “I treated you like a sister in the beginning. We were good in the beginning, [and] then you got married. You pushed me away.” While I’m not a formal expert on the art of chronology, it seems to me like bringing up the “beginning” is evidence of returning back to the past, formally known as a “re-hash.” For further clarity, it’s best to consult an actual chronology expert.
Going further back to the future, Melissa continues to digress and calls Teresa “fake.” Notice she didn’t say “fake and bake,” which would have been more appropriate considering Teresa is now a spokesperson for “Sizzle Tans” in East Hanover, New Jersey. Stepping out of her role as silent referee, Jacqueline interrupts the “Tit for Tat” game at the most opportune moment possible with some cookies. Clearly, she wasn’t serving Bernie Mac (R.I.P.), because neither Teresa nor Melissa asked for some “milllllk and coooookies.” Like any good referee, Jacqueline tells Teresa “Quit while you’re ahead,” just as she starts to throw another jab towards Melissa’s direction. Both ladies leave Jacqueline’s house slightly skeptical of the others’ intentions; however, they both agree to act peacefully as matriarchs of their families, since “a wife breaks it, and a wife makes it.”
Sensing the need for a much-needed break, Teresa invites the entire Manzo-Laurita crew to the Giudice cabin in the Catskill Mountains for a little weekend Cat-skill-away Break. Notably, the Jersey pronunciation of “Catskills” was quite humorous. Not that I’m a Catskills expert, but from the Jersey pronunciation, I gathered that the “Caaaat SKILLZ” was a popular place in upstate New York, where the entire cast of CATS goes to practice their “skillzzzs.” In reality, I’m pretty sure that the Catskills are just a popular getaway destination for people living in the tri-state area, despite the Jersey-pronunciation. Throughout the episode, everyone keeps referencing this “Caatskilllllzs” trip as a means to relax and support Teresa, since she’s been through “so much” over the past few months i.e. declaring bankruptcy for several million dollars in the public eye. Sadly, Melissa doesn’t share the same compassion as the Manzo-Laurita crew, and she criticizes Teresa’s usage of her own mother as “her nanny.” Me-thinks someone’s a little jealous, despite the fact that Melissa insists, “My husband works hard, we pay for [a nanny], what are you gonna do?” Perpetual drama-inciter, Lysa (with a y), completely agrees with her sister, and continues to bad-mouth Teresa even though the game of “Tit for Tat” ended back at Jacqueline’s house. Not to add an unsolicited dose of reality, but many people use their mothers as nannies. Furthermore, many people don’t have the luxury of hiring help, despite Melissa Antoinette’s elitist comments towards Teresa.
Besides the theme of “Tit for Tat,” another pervasive theme in this episode of the RHONJ was the “Titties-for-Tacky” theme, which isn’t an actual theme; so much as a crude way for me to describe all of the over-abundant sexual innuendo (as well as the non-innuendo sex-talk). Color me shocked, but I haven’t seen so much sex-talk in an episode of Real Housewives since Miss Phaedra Parks (RHOATL) discussed her very personal usage of powdered sugar, as well as the subsequent “syrup” concoction that her husband delighted in consuming. To quote Nene Leakes, “I had almost gagged just then,” typing that now. Furthermore, “I had almost gagged” several times throughout this episode of RHONJ when things stopped being polite and started getting sexual.
Sexually-speaking, did we really need to see Teresa’s husband’s vibrating c***-ring? I’ll re-address the vibrating c***-ring later. But did we really need to know that Jacqueline gives good bobos? Normally, Chris Laurita is very reserved, so I knew he must have been pretty drunk when he referred to poor Jacqueline as a “good blower like you.” Jacqueline said it best when she said: “I think we’re getting a little too comfortable with each other, I don’t need to be that comfortable.” And that’s the truth, honey. Not that I’m uncomfortable with a little sex-talk, but I’m uncomfortable with THEIR sex-talk. And it happened throughout the entire episode!
From the jumpoff, when Chris Laurita asked Joe Giudice if he “wanted to taste [his] nuts,” things got way too sexual for my tastes. Although Teresa’s response of, “they’re small,” in reference to Chris Laurita’s “nuts” was pretty brillz. The sex-talk continued at the Catskills cabin. Proudly showing off the bed where he defiled deflowered Teresa for the first time “13 years ago,” Joe Giudice took us on a very sweet, but very perverted walk down memory lane. Things continued to be latently sexual throughout the Catskills pizza contest. As Jacqueline poured Nutella all over her pizza, I couldn’t help but laugh at the latent sexual symbolism, but who doesn’t love Nutella pizza, right? Teresa continued the latent sexual symbolism with her very detailed description of her pizza-making process: “My secret to making the best pizza is a little bit of love, a little bit of spreading, a little bit of pushing.” Listening to all of this sexy talk, I couldn’t help but think: Are you talking about pizza, Tre, or your private snuggle time with Joe?
Back in Jersey, another Joe couldn’t help but develop sexy feelings for his wife, since Melissa Gorga looked absolutely smoking in her tight red dress. Perhaps it was a little too sexy for her daughter’s ballroom dancing performance, but who am I to judge fashion? Please, I ain’t no Meryl Streep pretending to play an Anna Wintour-type, I’m just a Real Housewives Realogist. Perhaps the most offensive fashion statement in this episode of RHONJ were Teresa’s “boots with the fur.” The question of, “How many innocent Alfs had to die in the making of of Teresa’s boots with the fur?” was begging to be asked. It’s a good thing I’m writing this post and not “Cousin It” of Addams Family-fame, since he probably would have taken more umbrage at Teresa’s “boots with the fur” than I have. Even Kathy Wakile, once again dressed up in her finest homage to Dr. Indiana Jones-means-business-chic couldn’t offend my fashion sensibilities. By far, the worst look of the episode was Teresa’s brown, suede, Pocahontas get-up that she wore around the Catskills. As much as I love my “Tre,” she definitely won the “Most Tackiest New Jersey Housewife” award. Despite her insistence that “It was like 5th Ave ‘enraided’ the Catskills,” it was more like “The Ghost of Pocahontas ‘enraided’ your Imagination.”
On the subject of Disney stars, not to get all Charleston Hestonian on you guys, but I really did enjoy all the shooting of the guns. I did my best Dave Chapelle impressions at the television as I heard all of the “BANG! BANGS!” And the horsing-around on those quads looked really fun! I don’t know why Caroline Manzo was tripping out so much about Chris and Albie getting on the quads. Yes, her friend got “decapitated on a quad,” but she didn’t have to be such a Caroline Downzo about the whole thing. Chris Manzo brought out a big LOL when he said: “Al drives like a bitch, so she had nothing to worry about.” And he was right.
To quote Miss Whitney Houston, there were a lot of “It’s not right, but it’s okay” moments on this episode of the RHONJ, and it’s tough to capture all of them. To address a select few: it wasn’t right when Teresa showed off her husband’s electronic, vibrating c***-ring to all of America in her confessional, but I suppose it’s okay since they’re in love and it’s ultimately kind of sweet in an over-share sort of way. Moreover, it wasn’t right when all of the Giudice-Laurita crew wrapped up their perverted, gun-ridden Catskills weekend with a visit to Giudice Chapel, but it is church so I guess it’s okay. Lastly, it wasn’t right that I pretended to be disturbed by all of the Giudice-Laurita sexual innuendo, since I loved EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of all that perversion, but I’m admitting now so it’s definitely okay! Stay tuned for more recaps of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
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