The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

The Real Housewives of New Jersey epi 13 Recap: All About My Daughter

All about my Mother is an incredible movie by famed Spanish director (genius), Pedro Almodovar which focuses on the powerful, symbolic role of motherhood in Spanish culture.  The thirteenth episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey should have been titled “All about my Daughter” since this episode deals with the powerful highs and lows of the first daughters of Jersey.

Even though Teresa is already a wife/mother/author, I see a rap career in her future.  As Teresa is shooting the cover of her new cookbook Fabulicious (which she hopes will be bigger than Skinny Italian), Teresa insists that life is all about “good food, good sex and good friends and family”.  Had I shut my eyes, I swear I could have been listening to a Drake song (“good weed, white wine, I come alive at the night time”) but strangely, it wasn’t Drake – it was Teresa Giudice.

Channeling another iconic person, Gia Giudice channels angsty supermodel of yore Gia Carangi, since Gia isn’t happy about modeling in the photo shoot for Fabulicious, which should have been titled Toddlers in Tiara-Headbands Being Forced to Cook and Look Happy.  Even Milania won’t shut up (as Joe Giudice screams for her to do) about her disdain for being forced to strike a pose for her mother’s cookbook, so they only end up shooting Teresa, her mother, Antonia and Gia.

More daughter-drama ensues when Kathy and Rich Wakile discuss how to handle the birds and the bees with their budding teenage rose, Victoria.  Kathy insists that Victoria got the “Gorga gene”, which means that she’ll either by very feisty or very sexual, or both.  Since “denial ain’t just a river in Egypt” (to quote my friend Alison), Rich won’t have any discussions about “S-E-X” in relation to Victoria.  Rich wishes that Kathy would get those “crazy [sex] ideas” out of her pretty little head.

Sex isn’t something they’ll have to worry about with their teenager, since teenagers definitely don’t have sex or babies!  Our culture doesn’t glorify that type of behavior with shows like Teen Mom or anything.  When Kathy takes Victoria prom-dress shopping, she quickly discourages Victoria from opting for the very Introducing Dorothy Dandridge royal blue sequined mermaid number because she’s nervous people will think Victoria is trying to look sexy.  I was more concerned people would think Victoria would look tacky but that’s just my opinion.  I don’t have my teenage daughter’s virginity on my mind.

One daughter that everyone is rightfully worried about is Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley Holmes, who is out partying till all hours, much to the concern and chagrin of Jacqueline and her husband Chris.  Realizing that Ashley may be suffering from a complete lack of ambition, masqueraded in unforgivably haughty, bratty behavior, Jacqueline calls up Ashley’s biological father, who flies in from Texas to participate in the “Ashley stop being such a heinous brat and get some direction in your life”-intervention.

There is another special father-daughter moment when Melissa has a daddy-daughter reunion, posthumously.  According to Melissa’s sisters, Kim G. (that’s short for “Kim Green Eye Shadow”) and Lysa, a medium spoke to their late father, sent the message along that Melissa will have huge success in what she’s “currently doing”.  I certainly hope he means singing as opposed to other things (re: Joe).  It’s pretty cool if you think about it: how many people can say that they knew they’d be a success because their late father sent them a message via a medium by way of their heavily eye shadowed sister?

Channeling Nicki Minaj, Melissa embraces her “moment for life” by putting in some vocal work in her home recording studio: “Not for nothing, but I’m having a moment right now.”  Under the “protective” domineering-daddy eye of her husband Joe, Melissa sings her heart out, albeit slightly off key.  A debate between Melissa’s record producers and Joe Gorga ensues about whether you really do go back “once you go…you know,” but Joe squashes that real quick saying that’s a myth.  After he tells Melissa to grab the giant microphone like “it’s me”, I don’t think Joe is exaggerating.  True to form, Melissa ends her recording session by thanking her Lord and Savior, “Jeeesus”.

Like Jesus, Caroline gives of herself selflessly to support Lauren’s weight loss goal by attending a kickboxing lesson with kickboxing guru  Sal, “the Salution” . Earlier in the episode, Lauren tells Caroline that she’s not sure if she’ll ever feel good about herself, even if she does lose weight and she not only broke Caroline’s heart, she broke mine as well.  If Lauren is reading this, I just want her to know she’s totally cute and a total dime piece and Vito ain’t with her for nothin’. (That’s me typing in a Jersey accent in case you didn’t catch that!)

At kickboxing, Jacqueline, the Manzo boys and gay roommate du jour Greg  join Caroline and Lauren for some strenuous kickboxing training.  Caroline isn’t really that into it but Lauren stays on task, telling everyone that she doesn’t want to “talk bulls**t”, she just wants to do the damn thing!  The only time Lauren loses her focus is when she claims to see Greg’s “pale” balls hanging out of his red basketball shorts.  Now, I wasn’t there, so I can’t verify this information.  One would only hope that Lauren snapped a cell phone photo or something.

Making memories of a different kind, Jacqueline and Chris organize a divorced-family breakfast with Jacqueline’s ex-husband and his wife to informally stage Ashley’s lazy-vention.  Since Ashley is incapable of finishing anything once it “gets tough”, her family wants to see if they can assess her goals and guide her in the right direction.  Chris had the best suggestion of the day when he suggested that they all “go in a room with Ashley…toss her around, smash her, give her a real good beating for one day.”  I couldn’t agree more.  They should just pretend they’re initiating Ashley into a gang or something and slap the sense back into her, or slap the sense into her for the first time.

As opposed to Ashley receiving the (well-deserved) blow, poor Jacqueline receives the biggest blow of the day, when Ashley throws Jacqueline’s decision to have Ashley at an early age in her face: “I’m 20…and I don’t have a kid.”  I’m surprised everyone at the table didn’t give Ashley a round of applause like, “Congratulations Ashley! You’re 20 and you’re not pregnant! You’re such an accomplished young lady! Yeah, you almost went to jail last year, but at least you’re not pregnant!”

I still think they should stick with Chris’ “Ashley-Initiation” idea: just beat the respect back into her. Sorry, I did it again – I meant to say beat the respect into her for the very first time.  Genuinely, I feel really bad for Jacqueline.  Dealing with Ashley must be quite the challenge, so I’ve decided to put Jacqueline’s hair toss as the main picture in this post.  Jacqueline needs to toss all that Ashley-negativity (and her long, luxurious hair) aside!  I hear they might even be doing a remake of Roman Polanski’s iconic Rosemary’s Baby modeled after what happens when the demon-spawn grows up called Jacqueline’s Baby.  Stay tuned for more Jersey Daughter Drama next week!

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