In the tenth episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Joe and Melissa Gorga’s big “baby Jesus birthday-holiday party” erupted into an all out war, formally known as the War of Truth. Within the first fifteen minutes of the episode, there were several Manzo-truth bombs dropped on the singular enemy force, “Kim Grannytelle.” Launching the first verbal attack, brave soldier Lauren Manzo, dropped the first truth bomb when she looked at Kim G. directly in the eye and said: “Everybody needs to stop stirring the pot because it’s getting pathetic.” Like the sprightly old thing that she is, Kim G. was able to avoid the bomb, and strike back right away by raising her voice at Lauren.
Rallying around her troops, veteran truth-bomb dropper Caroline Manzo, swooped in to protect her daughter by dropping the second truth bomb of the evening. Just as Kim G. started to load up her verbal ammunition, she was verbally struck right in the chest by Mama Caroline’s truth: “You came with the intent to hurt and cause an issue.” The too-truthful truth bomb was enough to successfully wound the enemy force, bringing Kim G. back down to earth, realizing that she was outnumbered by the Manzo Brigade. Sensing the impending danger of Kim G.’s life, Christopher Manzo rushed in to save the “old lady”, since he’s best friends with Kim G’s son, John, and didn’t want to watch his BFF’s mom perish in the War of Truth, despite the fact that she was the enemy.
Not wanting to negotiate with enemy forces, Albie Manzo quickly rushed over to bounce Kim G. out of the party since he didn’t appreciate how she spoke to his Mama Caroline, while Christopher tried to peacefully escort the P.O.W. out of the party without further injury via truth. Bravely making his way through the crowd, Christopher’s only obstacle was fighting off Kim G.’s “goon,” AKA the bouncer-chauffer that she inexplicably hired to protect her that evening. Without a doubt, Kim G. knew that she would incite a war by bringing Monica Chacon– the lawyer fighting Teresa and Joe in their bankruptcy war– but that didn’t stop her! Kim G. is the Queen of Controversy, and she definitely wanted to cause a ruckus; however, Kim G.’s war was quickly ended the moment the Manzo forces united to have her successfully bounced out of the party for good.
Once Kim G. made it safely across enemy lines, Christopher tried to explain his allegiance to her son, John, only to be interrupted by his brother, Albie, who told him to “get back inside!” As soon as Albie crossed the Gorga’s marble foyer back over to safety, Albert Manzo swooped in to drop another truth bomb on Kim G. by proclaiming: “She’s a clown!” Supplementing Albert’s clown attack, Ashley fired a random verbal shot in the air with, “Just like Danielle [Staub]!” Finally, Caroline ended the War of Truth by dropping the most poignant truth bomb of the evening, commenting directly on Kim’s laughably transparent vendetta against the Giudices: “Your problem is you come to hurt. And you come to hurt people, and you came with the [singular] intent to hurt tonight.”
Unloading a final, less poignant round of truth bullets into the already wounded Kim G., Teresa and Joe (from the sidelines) un-profoundly commented on Kim G.’s physical appearance by very maturely calling her “ugly face Kim G.” Perhaps “ugly face” is a new synonym for freshly botoxed, because the old gal’s skin looked tighter than Melissa’s white, Svaroski-crystal party dress. Adding further insult to injury, Joe and Teresa continue by saying that Kim G. “wishes” she could go home and “make love all night” like them, as opposed to going home to “play with her toys.” Regardless of my loyalties (Team Giudice 4 Life), I have to call a spade a spade. Just two episodes back, it was Teresa showing off her husband’s “toys,” or just one of his toys, a vibrating c*** ring. Let’s not throw the sex-toy stone around so capriciously, Tre, okay? After a very valiant effort to cause trouble, Kim G. fell to the United Manzo Front in the War of Truth, and Teresa summed it best by saying, “Ding! Dong! The witch is dead. Bye Bye Kim G.!”
Continuing the trend of family feuds, Kathy Wakile and her family discuss their family’s historical penchant for sibling fall-outs over some (delicious) mushroom-stuffing. Genetically-speaking, Kathy’s mother, Maria, is the sister of Giacinto, Teresa’s father. Maria retells the story of the fallout between her and her brother, Giacinto, over a matter of $200. Commenting on how “history repeats itself,” Kathy gets emotional talking about her ongoing feud with Teresa, who still won’t let Kathy back into her circle of trust. I actually felt really bad for Kathy, but Kathy already has a pretty solid support system (and I do mean solid) in her sister, Rosie, AKA my new favorite Jersey girl. Aside from bearing an uncanny resemblance to Rosie O’Donnell, Rosie seems to be the (very husky, deep) voice of reason. I wonder if Rosie might be the emotional impetus necessary to bring Kathy and Teresa back together, since Rosie does not look like the type of person you want on your bad side. Girl looks tough, okay?
Bringing her own tough-love to the air waves, Caroline hosts another episode of her new radio talk show, Caroline Rules, on New Jersey’s 101.5FM. On this episode of Caroline Rules, Caroline gives advice on the topic of divorce. Taking Caroline by surprise, her brother Christopher calls in to get advice about his “situation” with his horrendous brat of a step-daughter, Ashley, who he has loved as “his own” since she was 5 years old. Recognizing her brother’s voice over the radio, Caroline tells Christopher that she knows he’s done everything he already can, and that she has faith that Ashley will “eventually come around.” Here’s hoping Caroline Rules is actually right on that point. The whole thing almost brought a tear to my eye, until I remembered that they were talking about Ashley and sentimental empathy transitioned to nausea.
The only scene more nauseating was Ashley’s highly manipulative plea for Christopher to “like” her at Caroline’s Christmas dinner. While Caroline is slaving away in the kitchen preparing her highly secretive “olive sauce”, Ashley uses the opportunity to ask her step-father what she needs to do to make him like her. I can answer that with one simple, declarative sentence: “GET A CLUE, ASHLEY!” Since Chris Laurita is the quintessential voice of reason, he tells Ashley that she needs to be more “respectful” and “responsible” and that while he loves her, he genuinely wants to “like” her as well. Furthermore, Christopher goes on to say that if Ashley shows an actual, tangible change for the better, he can transition into actually “liking” her. Clearly, Chris Laurita is some kind of saint, because I don’t know if that’s a promise I could keep. Hopefully, everything will work out. Christmas is about hope after all, so hopefully Ashley can change into less of an entitled, spoiled, clueless, parasitic teenager (we were all Ashley at one point, I’m sure). Crossing my fingers!
In the spirit of Christmas, Joe Gorga puts his anger aside to join his parents, Teresa, and all the Giudices for Christmas dinner at Giudice Manor. One would think that Joe Giudice would have been more in the Christmas spirit, but he sat back like a Grinch and made highly disparaging comments about Melissa. Calling your brother-in-law’s wife “raccoon face” isn’t exactly the sweetest holiday compliment, considering many people refer to Joe Giudice as “pug face” (many people being at least two of my college friends). It felt like a definitive case of the “pug face calling the raccoon face black.” Genuinely, I felt bad for Melissa since she was the force trying to bring everyone together. At the end of the day, pugs and raccoons aren’t very far apart in the animal kingdom, so all the animal-faces should learn to get along, especially during Christmas time!
The best parts of the Giudice Family Christmas were all of the adorable Giudice-Gorga children, as well as Antonia Gorga’s (Teresa and Joe’s mother) drag-king show when she dressed up like Santa Claus. Even though Milania Giudice didn’t really buy into her “Nona” as Santa Claus, she quickly changed her mind after Teresa convinced her that “Nona” went to the store. Part of me thinks that Milania remained skeptical, but at least she learned three important lessons during this Christmas: 1. Family is everything, especially during Christmas time 2. Santa Claus is fake and 3. Gender is a social construct and illusion, e.g. even Santa Claus isn’t a man!
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