The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills epi 7 Recap: "Beverly Hills-Chi, Chi, Chi, Chi, Chiiiiii"

Continuing the game night conflict from last week’s episode, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (High School) carry on the “systematic bullying” (to quote “satchels-of-gold”-bearing, former RHONY star Kelly Bensimon) of Miss Brandi “I WILL F***ING KILL YOU” Glanville in the seventh episode of RHOBH.  Both Richards Sisters sink to new high-school lows (as opposed to “high school high[s]”, or actually…), throwing basic, classist insults at Brandi about her upbringing and her “class”: “You have no class. You are trashy and you are classless!”

Pushed to the brink of existence, Brandi snaps at Kyle Richards when her children are mentioned and decides to verbally gut-punch Kim Richards by accusing her of doing crystal meth all night long.  Some people say that the truth hurts but others say, “You’re a slut pig!”  Standing up for her sister, Kyle gets in Brandi’s face (super Jerry Springer-status) like, “What did you say about my sister?” until Taylor steps in and tries to prevent a physical altercation.

Attempting to mediate, Taylor did not want any housewife taking any other housewife out back and pulling “some Oklahoma on [their] ass,” so she steps in between Kim and Brandi, but not before Brandi slaps Kim’s accusatory French-tip finger out of her face.  Sadly, Kim’s only recourse was a scrappy air swing, which struck the side of Taylor’s weave, but didn’t have any actual impact on the towering, giraffian Brandi.  Screaming, “Enough, enough, enough!” Taylor ends the physical part of the fight while Dana insincerely (sincerely) tries to add some perspective.

The authentically-challenged Dana (“Pam”) Wilkey tries her best to be the voice of materialistic reason when she interjects with, “You guys, listen – we’re from Beverly Hills, we live our life, we do our thing (phonetically pronounced, “u guyyz, werrrr from Beverleee Hillllllllllz, we liive our liyfe, we doo our theeing.”)  Someone should tell “Pam” that watching TBS re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210 and name/price-dropping her “could-have-gotten-it-at-Loehmann’s-for-cheaper” couture isn’t cute, nor does it make her any more “Kelly Taylor” or “Beverly Hills” than the cliché, try-hard poser that she is.

Trying harder than her own girdle, Dana Wilkey continues her covert, stealth operation, Mission Ingratiation-Infiltration with Kyle: “Just so you know, I love Kim just the way she is.  Let’s do it. Let’s go on her (Kim’s) journey.  Let’s just go.  We’re together forever; that’s what we’re about -always have been. Everybody!  You and your sister-forever.  That’s what we do.”  I laughed when Kyle bluntly asked, “Who?” in response to Dana’s “we’re”.  Even though Kyle suffered from a case of “keeping it too real” with Brandi, it was nice to see her keep some perspective on a prospective phony.

Maybe Dana is a psychic, because the Richards Sisters did take a “journey” to Palm Desert (except they didn’t invite Dana).  Journeying to their mother’s old home, Kim and Kyle attempted to spend some quality time with their children and rekindle their connection, away from the complications and hostility of life in Beverly.  En route to Palm Desert, Kim Richards dropped a bombshell revelation about her breath spray.  The bombshell isn’t that post 1993, people still use breath spray; it’s that Kim’s breath spray was not in fact, breath spray but it was in fact air freshener.

Yes, ladies and gentleman, I welcome all of you to freely giggle (hello giggles), because Kim Richards has been walking around, squirting her mouth with air freshener and it took her over a week to discover that it wasn’t breath spray.  On a less comedic note, we finally discover the source of Kim’s “you stole my g*ddamn house!” accusation from last season’s epically tragic limo ride, which rocked the foundation of the Richards Sisters relationship permanently.

It seems that the Palm Desert house was left to Kim and Kyle by their mother.  At one point, Kim asked Kyle if she could take $20,000 out of the home equity as a loan to herself, and when she tried to repay the $20,000, Kyle wouldn’t allow her to buy back into the house and informed her that she didn’t need “a partner”.  Shocked, Kim took great offense to this: “You don’t want a partner? I lived in that house. I took care of my mother in that house.  If they think I sold it for $20,000, are they okay? Hello?”  Maybe things are less complicated in Beverly Hills?

Nothing in this episode was more entertaining or joyously “Beverly Hills” than Lisa Vanderpump’s gay, “I-can’t-believe-his-face-is-actually-real,” immensely entertaining wedding planner, Kevin Lee.  Lisa said that Kevin Lee was “the Asian version of Father of the Bride,” which is totally spot on.  If Martin Short’s character from Father of the Bride, Frahnk, actress/jumpoff Bai Ling and Hollywood icon/billboard “model” Angelyne fused together to become one hybrid, fantastical gay creature, it would be Miss Kevin Lee.  Homeboy is that over the top – in the best way possible of course.

Informing Lisa that a “typical Beverly Hills wedding” runs about a milli and change, Lisa firmly sets Pandora’s wedding budget at $150,000 max.   Much to Kevin’s chagrin, he won’t be able to make Pandora’s wedding as “Beverly Hills-chi chi chi chi chiiiii” (wave the hands, sway the hips) as he would have liked, although Kevin Lee is the best, so Lisa decides to let Kevin (and Jesus) take the wheel.

One housewife taking the wheel (for herself) is Miss Camille Grammer, who agrees to be a keynote speaker at a lavish charity function supporting Breast Cancer Awareness at the very “Beverly Hills chi chi chi chi chiiiiiii” Four Seasons Hotel.  Looking flawless in fuschia, Camille shut it down in the looks department, but she left a little bit to be desired in the speech department.  To speak in front of a large audience requires poise, eloquence, confidence and a solid, acoustically-strong voice (ask me about it).  Unfortunately, Camille exhibited none of those qualities during her speech; nonetheless, Camille was quite sincere and for that, I must take my fur hat off and applaud her!

Cancer, unfortunately, was not the only focus at the charity luncheon.  Ignoring Brandi Glanville became another intense area of focus.  Kyle and Lisa chatted away about the awkwardness of sitting in front of Brandi, not saying so much as a “Hello, how are you, slut pig?”  Breaking the ice (sculpture), Lisa asked Brandi about where she resides in Los Angeles, to which Brandi quickly (curtly) replied, “Mulholland.”  Although a David Lynch analogy would have been perfect right about now (I already used one… inappropriately, it now seems), the surreal rudeness of everyone (but Adrienne and Lisa) fractured the illusion of civility in Beverly Hills.

For more illusion shattering and the opposite of civility, stay tuned for more episodes and more (importantly) recaps of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

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