It’s a good thing no one had a “Little Miss SOBER-LUCID-COHERENT-STABLE Contest” on the fourth episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, because I’m not quite sure how well Miss Kim Richards (child thespian) would have fared. As Adrienne and Paul wait for tardy-for-the-Maloof-party Kim aboard their chartered private jet (bound for the final season game of Adrienne’s team, The Sacramento Kings), they sit on precious Fabergé egg shells, nervous about the “state” of Kim’s arrival.
The last time they spoke to the United States of Kim, she made about as much sense as an endangered sea horse, dwelling inside your indoor water koi pond treatment (in your living room)! As the architect of her own psyche, Kim’s foundation seems a little shaky (in an incoherent, drunk, slurry sort of way). Much to Adrienne’s 24/7 politically correct chagrin, Kim mumbles on about various trite, nonsensical topics like Taylor and cigars and how she hates trying new restaurants-for the entire plane ride over to Sacramento.
Speaking of new restaurants, staunch character Lisa Vanderpump is going forward with her plans to expand her West Hollywood restaurant, Sur. Informing her business partners about their new grueling work schedule, Lisa warns them that it’s going to be a lot of work (for them). Lisa also wants to ensure that there will be no “resentments” if she checks in for dinner and checks out early for what I presume is quality giggy time with her husband (and her puppy Giggy).
When it comes to the secrets about her highly dysfunctional marriage (and life) for Taylor, the gig is up. Confronting Kyle about a recently published, scurrilous article about her in the press (re: her marriage and weight), Taylor wants to deflect any attention away from the real issues she’s facing.
Instead, Taylor wants to focus on the source of the leaked information: “Adrienne would never do that to me and I don’t really think Kim talks to a lot of people [besides herself]. Obviously I don’t think Kyle would do that to me and it’s not Camille’s nature… I would say the person that has the most interaction with the media is Lisa.”
According to Kyle, “what happens in Beverly Hills-stays in Beverly Hills”. However, Adrienne Maloof doesn’t intend on staying in the Beverly Hills-worthy Maloof box perched at the top of the highest peak in the Sacramento Kings stadium. Wanting to face the angry Sacramento tribunal (like a soldier), Adrienne insists on leaving the protective confines of her executive Maloof fortress to join the common folk down in the trenches of the Kings stadium so she can “support the fans.”
Surprisingly, perpetually stoic Adrienne sheds a few tears listening to all of the emotional, irate Sacramento fans screaming and pleading for her to keep their beloved Kings in their home stadium of Sacramento. Like Adrienne Antoinette, Adrienne remains graceful under pressure and smiles for the fans. With all the commotion going on, Kim Richards smiles blankly and escapes to witch mountain-entering a blissful psychosis-a magical, bewitching state colloquially known as “a good one”.
Another housewife commencing a good trip is Camille Grammer! For the very first time, Camille will vacation in Hawaii without the company of her ex-husband, Kelsey “Big Hands, Big Feet, Big Disappointment” Grammer. Armed with best-girlfrond/BFF DD (Dedra), Camille visits a local Malibu surf shop so she can pick up some surfboards for her and her children for their Hawaii spring break trip “’cuz she’s a cool Mom!” (Amy Poehler intonation).
Reflecting on her last Hawaii trip, Camille discloses that her friend Carl, who had previously accompanied her to Hawaii in Kelsey’s absence and showered her with superficial compliments (“You’re so beautiful, Camille’ [staring at her chest]), knew all about Kelsey’s affair. Unlike the rapper Ol’ Dirty Bastard (formerly “Big Baby Jesus” and then back to “ODB”), “old dirty dog” Carl was indeed a liar.
Over at thriving Villa Blanca, Lisa works hard at scheduling lunch reservations and grooming her new tassle-haired host, Steven, who replaced the villain of Villa Blanca-tassle-haired Cedric. Speaking honestly and candidly about Cedric, Lisa says that “since we parted ways, I haven’t seen Cedric, but he’ll go a long way to find another idiot like me.” Unfortunately, I had the distinct displeasure of seeing Cedric less than two months ago; however, this idiot knew to steer clear!
One housewife who didn’t know to steer clear of Cedric is the newest addition to the Beverly Hills cast, Miss Brandi Glanville of “Eddie Cibrian left her for LeAnn Rimes” fame (as Kyle so graciously, maturely pointed out to the “morally corrupt Faye Resnick”). The ladies first get a look at tall Brandi at Kyle’s charity event in Hollywood, benefiting the “Lollipop Theater Network” for children suffering from terminal illness. As soon as Brandi enters the room, all the ladies fixate their gazes on the giraffe-ian beauty, who hobbles into the party on crutches (and sky-high wedges).
Like a determined lioness surveying her prey (in this instance-a clueless giraffe), Lisa interrogates Brandi with the intensity of a S.I.S. operative about her relationship with Cedric: “Am I mistaken or are you friendly with Cedric?” Brandi insists that she and Cedric are “friendly” since they modeled together over “15 years ago” and that their relationship “doesn’t define” her; however, Brandi seems to skirt around the recent photo of her and Cedric having lunch together just weeks earlier.
Not one to get her facts crossed, Lisa is aware of Brandi’s connection to Cedric: “Brandi… I’ve seen pictures of her hanging out with Cedric, so my feathers are a little ruffled before I even start.” Later, Lisa plainly states that she will have nothing to do with anyone who is involved with Cedric, after “what he did” to her and her family. While I’m no biologist, something tells me a giraffe shouldn’t try to step to a lioness. That would be a Darwinian failure!
Nonetheless, new giraffe Brandi tries to assert her power by declaring Lisa to be immature: “She just needs to let it go. I mean-seriously. Get over it. Move on. How old is she, 60? She shouldn’t be acting that way.” What’s most amusing about Brandi is that this statement is uttered right after Brandi defames her ex-husband: “I was married to the number one douchebagger of all time. I’m kidding! Not really! His name… Eddie Cibrian – he’s an actor. Actor… he’s really good looking, that’s what he does.” Isn’t Brandi so above it, guys?
In the game of telling it like it is, Lisa scored extremely high on this episode. Expressing her concerns about Taylor’s constant crying and visible (dramatic) weight loss, Lisa extends a generous offering to Taylor even though they haven’t always been super close: “You know we haven’t always been best friends, but I am seriously concerned about you. If you need to get the f*** out of there, then you do it now. And you regroup. I’m not saying I’m masquerading as your best friend, but I’m just saying, right now if you need something sorted out, I’ll help you. Taylor, get your skinny ass over to my house and let’s sort yourself out. End of story.” End of story.
Stay tuned for more housewife brawling, lioness howling, and shot calling next week!
Photo courtesy of bravotv.com