The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Epi 17 Recap: 8 Inches of Freedom

Back at the White Party, all of the white ladies reconvene in Kyle’s parlor to discuss the booting of the Armstrongs.  Adrienne Maloof stands by her assertion that Taylor is just as at fault as Russell is, and that “friends don’t sue friends”.  But this is Beverly Hills, darling!  Don’t player hate, litigate!  Gag orders are placed all the time, so this really isn’t that uncommon.  While Adrienne has a valid argument in that friends don’t sue friends, that assertion is normally presupposed by the sincerity and authenticity of said “friends”, etc.

One person who definitely wasn’t sad or upset to see Taylor go was Camille Grammer.  Throughout the entire emotional ordeal, as Kyle was wiping her tears, Camille sat there-stone faced-trying to hold back her grin (I imagine).  Blame it on the A-a-a-a-a-a-ttorney, because Camille was very upfront that following her attorney’s recommendations, she simply was not allowed to be in the same room as the Armstrongs.  And all Camille really wanted to do at the white party was have fun and dance, so she could bust out some of her old Club MTV moves (I imagine).

Watching Camille dancing is like watching Naomi Campbell walk down a runway – flawless.  Even after Brandi started confusing The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for The Real L Word again (she basically grabbed Camille’s breasts the last time they were dancing and freaked her this time), Camille kept her rhythm (of the night).   Unfazed by Brandi’s advances, Camille continued to dance suggestively and provocatively.  Even Kim Richards got in on the action and started swinging her ponytail around, albeit not quite as graciously and powerfully as her sister Kyle.

Unfortunately, Kim took things just a little too far when she started getting all cuddly and romantic with her boyfriend Ken on the dancefloor.  As Ken and Kim danced the night away, people couldn’t help but scoff at their P.D.A.  Even Kim’s daughter did a double take and rolled her eyes, while Kyle had the most authentic reaction (which just so happened to be identical to my reaction as a spectator): Kyle simply mimicked a vomit noise, “WHUAH!”  It’s always so nice to see when the housewives and I are on the same page!

Changing pages, the ladies all congregate for a trip to Hawaii in celebration of Mauricio’s birthday.  Meeting up the airport, the women of Beverly show up in their various, interesting airport attire.  In her usual, “no bra, no panties” fashion, Brandi shows up in an off-white maxi dress-looking stunning, while Camille shows up looking  like Dora the Explorer in a safari-esque outfit.   Really-I wasn’t quite understanding the correlation between safari and Hawaii, but they both do end in “i”, so there is that connection.

Not surprisingly, Kim Richards shows up late, and by late I mean she completely misses her flight and doesn’t show up to Hawaii until the very next day!  Calling up her sister on the phone, Kyle tries to get to the bottom of the mystery and Kim slurs that her “license is expired”.  Again on the plane, Kyle calls Kim again to see if she made it to the airport, and then she finds out that Kim is still trying to book the ticket!  I’m sure that it was all just an innocent mistake, and I highly doubt Kim was getting wasted or something sinister like that.

All the while, Adrienne Maloof sits behind Kyle with a devilish grin-knowing very well that her husband Paul will end up on the same flight as Kim, which is kind of evil in a hilarious, “Ha ha, you gotta sit with Kim!” sort of way.  If the Hawaii plane ride is anything like the flight to Sacramento (featured earlier in the season), then Paul is in for a real treat.  Truthfully, I take just as much delight in Adrienne’s devilish grins as I do in watching Camille Grammer dance (like nobody is watching).

To quench her fear of flying (and thirst), Brandi decides to partially “roofy” herself with some Xanax and alcohol (remind me to try that sometime).  She also admits that she used to roofy herself on previous flights, but now it’s against the law.  I’ll admit that Brandi is quickly rising through the ranks as the most entertaining Beverly Hills housewife to watch!  Between the Xanax and the alcohol and her aversion to bras, Brandi brings the LOL-game strong.

Heightening my affection for Miss Glanville, she tells the group that Kim’s boyfriend Ken resembles a “gay bullmastiff” (like it is).  If you guys will kindly remember, I also said Ken looked like a dog, “an old English bulldog” (to be exact) in previous recaps, so it’s always nice to know that you’re on the same page with people.  What I really wonder is: did Ken have to be stored under the plane with all the other canines during flight, or was he was able to be in the passenger cabin with Kim?  I’m not sure what the aviation rules are pertaining to bull dog faces once altitude is set.

Another housewife gaining altitude (or in this case-inches) is Camille Grammer.  I don’t know if it was the altitude or the alcohol, but Camille didn’t hesitate to drop a little innuendo on the ladies.  As Camille asks for her favorite drink, “16 ounces freedom” she asserts that it’s more like “8 inches of freedom.”  That just goes to show you that freedom means many different things to many people.  And now we know that diamonds aren’t just a girl’s friend, 8 inches are.

Speaking of 8 inches, Mauricio orders a “private plane” for all the ladies, which turns out to be more of an “island craft” and a little below Beverly Hills standards if you ask me (and all the ladies).  After everyone arrives safely to their rooms, all of the ladies meet back up in Mauricio and Kyle’s room for fun and cocktails.  After some more cocktails, Brandi gets a little handsy with Lisa’s husband Ken, and Lisa playfully checks her: “get your hands off my husband!”  Luckily, Lisa knows it’s all in good fun, although she realizes that since Brandi has spent the afternoon fondling her husband-she’ll probably have to “put out.”

Leaving little to the imagination, Brandi and Camille don’t put out, but they put on their skimpiest bikinis to lay out by the pool.  Wishing that a “hot guy” would come by and rub sun block on their voluptuous, Harlequin romance-worthy bodies, suddenly-out of nowhere, a man appears with a water bottle-ready to spritz the ladies with hydration.  Soon after their hydration session-the ladies are joined by Lisa and Ken, and Lisa playfully accuses Ken of lusting after Brandi’s top model body (rightfully so). As  Brandi’s gluteals were on full display-you can’t really blame Ken for drooling.

For a change, it’s nice to see all the ladies giggling and laughing with no real drama in sight.  Conflictual story lines aren’t always better story lines (Bravo take note).  However, the peaceful sanctity of the beach is interrupted by Taylor, who calls the ladies to announce that she has finally (finally) left her husband Russell.  Although Kyle and Lisa are somewhat shocked by the news, Taylor assures them that it’s been a long time coming, and that she has to do what’s best for her and her daughter; so “it’s over.”  Now we wait in nervous anticipation of Kim and her bulldog.  Stay tuned for more recaps and canine comparisons.
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