On the sixteenth episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Law & Order: S.W.V.U. (Special Wealthy Victims Unit), the legalities become realities. Remember when Camille delivered her “But now we said it, Taylor”- Oscar-worthy monologue about allegations of physical abuse in Taylor’s marriage?
And remember how Camille stormed out and was like, “Not cool, Taylor, not cool!”? Well, apparently it wasn’t cool, because Russell Armstrong sent Camille a threatening letter-admonishing her to shut her mouth his marriage, or else he’d sue the Louboutins off her!
Spreading faster than Miss Donatucci (before she became Camille Grammer) in her Playboy Lingerie Spread (have I mentioned that she spread in the spread sufficiently?), the news of the “S Word” then becomes the talk of the town. Disturbed by the news, Adrienne Maloof solicits advice from her husband Paul on how to handle the distressing situation and they both agree that Russell and Taylor are completely out of line.
With Kyle’s upcoming “White Party” (not to be confused with the big gay circuit party in Palm Springs [in case you were confused?]), the Maloof-Nassifs ponder if they’ll be next in line to get sued by the strong-arming Armstrongs? I must admit: it’s pretty nice to see Adrienne and Paul getting along. Usually they bicker on camera and things often feel very “Who’s Afraid of Adrienne Maloof?” However, on this episode, they stick together and present a united power couple front, with Adrienne taking the lead (obviously).
Calling up Kyle to discuss the situation, Adrienne lets her know that she and Paul are hesitant to come to her party (along with Camille) if Russell and Taylor are going to be there for fear of being sued. Faced with the dilemma of having to dis-invite her “friend” (quotation marks), Kyle feels tremendous guilt. However, she also wonders if she’ll be next in line to be sued for repeating gossip about Taylor’s marriage-gossip that Taylor herself spread (the new “s word”). Still, Kyle struggles with her guilt.
Another guilty party on this episode is Kim Richards, who feels guilty about her new relationship. Over lunch with her girls, they discuss her “relationship” (quotation marks) with her bulldog – I mean boyfriend, Ken. Seeing a diamond ring on Kim’s ring finger, they question Kim about a possible engagement and she tells them that it’s simply a “promise ring”. Ironically, Kim also requests that her girls act civil towards Ken at Kyle’s white party:
“Let’s be cordial. Let’s have a good time-no matter what. Remember, if you feel certain things for somebody, you don’t have to share it in front of everybody. You can keep it to yourself and give it to God and not share it.” Animal cruelty is not condonable in any way, shape, or form, so Kim’s requests for basic decency and civility towards Ken are understandable.
Disregarding her own advice, Kim definitely doesn’t “give it to God”; instead, Kim verbally attacks Brandi at the white party-in the form of multiple, aggressive, non-sequitur points reflecting her visceral ire for Brandi. The best part of the entire argument was when Kim – in verbatim – pitch perfect tone-mimicks Brandi’s high pitched rebuke: “Are you kidding me!?” Kim was a child actress, after all.
Not one to be flustered by conflict, Brandi doesn’t back down from Kim. Brandi rocks a (literally) “no bra, no panties” attitude a la Evan Rachel Wood in Thirteen, which means that she doesn’t mind being flagrant and saying what’s on her mind (and never wearing a bar [or panties?]). When reprimanded by Kim about her “truck driver mouth,” Brandi says that she knows who she is: “I know who I am, yes, I know I say the F-word all the time. F**k, F**k, F**k” (hands raised to the air). Brandi threw around multiple f**ks and it was perfection.
On the opposite spectrum of perfection, Dana Wilkey, AKA “Pam”, resumes her role as Beverly Hills’ resident brown noser. Complimenting Kim’s ample bust, “Pam” tells Kim that her boobs are huge. Doubting the authenticity of Kim’s boobs, Pam tells Kim that “those boobs can’t possibly be real”. Funny – I feel the exact same way about Pam’s personality!
The laughter stops once Lisa and Kyle convene with Adrienne and Paul (and Mauricio [hey, boo]) about how to graciously turn away Taylor and Russell once they arrive to the party. Apparently, Taylor isn’t responding to any text messages or phone calls from Lisa and Kyle (strangely), so they have no other option but to speak to her in person about the Russells’ legal threats.
Like a true H.B.I.C. (Head Bitch In Charge), Adrienne strategizes about how to effectively turn the Armstrongs away from the party. Throughout the entire debate, Adrienne makes extremely logical and sound points. She speculates that it’s virtually impossible for Taylor not to have known that Russell sent a legal threat to Camille and she feels that Taylor is culpable. Despite Taylor’s (fairly) obvious culpability, Kyle can’t help but feel guilty (and hold back her tears) about turning Taylor and Russell away from her party.
Explaining the situation to the Armstrongs, they leave in a huff. And Kyle (semi) hysterically runs after them to apologize and explain herself. She tells Russell that Taylor put all of the other housewives in an awkward position by telling them about their marital dysfunction. Fighting back her tears, she attempts to justify her decision, but Taylor tries to make it seem like it’s all on Camille, who really seemed like an innocent victim in this whole situation.
Luckily, Adrienne and Paul are calm and hold it down for Kyle, taking the logical lead on actively explaining to the Armstrongs why they are no longer welcome at the party. Even when Taylor attempts again to downplay her own culpability in the situation and blame it all on Camille, Adrienne steps forward and says that it wasn’t Camille’s fault directly to Russell’s face: “No, no, no, Camille did not get carried away… she was upset… all she was doing was repeating.”
When it came down to the art of being a formidable presence, Adrienne proved to be the M.V.H. (most valuable housewife) of the evening-stating the truth boldly and effectively in the face of botox and adversity (Taylor and Russell, respectively). Stay tuned for next week’s episode and (more importantly) recap of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
Photo courtesy of bravotv.com