On the fourteenth episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, things get reality-television-real, which normally entails: screaming, hysterics, mild forms of physical altercation, classic one-liners, and general hyped-up mayhem for no real reason other than the cameras are rolling! The Realest Real Housewives of Beverly Hills let it loose on this episode (sans the help of a little Grey Goose)!
Starting out with a visit from everyone’s favorite heavily-accented wedding planner, Kevin Lee, we get a look at some of the opulent table options for the wedding of Lisa Vanderpump’s lovely daughter, Pandora. Paying homage to Lisa’s proud British heritage, Kevin shows her the “King Arthur” table, a long, luxuriously adorned, gorgeous table-set under a floral canopy replete with garlands and “pewter” (see: “Indiana Jones’ holy grail”) cups.
Living in a land far, far away from England and far, far above Sunset Boulevard (the cha-ching(!) gated community of Beverly Park), Lisa informs Kevin that she moved away from England to get away from “that sort of thing.” Opting for a more Lisa-Pandoresque (appropriate), “Beverly Hills Shi Shi Shi” pink and white platter combo, Lisa feels confident that Kevin can help her deliver the wedding of Pandora’s dreams. And that commences lightest part of the fourteenth episode, as things go way downhill – and way below Sunset Boulevard standards – from there.
Accompanying her mother-in-law, Estella, to her final post face-lift visit to see Adrienne’s husband Dr. Paul Nassif, Kyle ponders the state of ubiquitous plastic surgery present in Beverly Hills: “Can’t we all just fight fair?” Remarkably, Estella’s face has healed from the grotesquely gory Face/off state we last saw her in. In fact, her new face is remarkably fresh and tight and wrinkle-less – kinda like one of those hairless cats (but wrinkleless). Let’s just say Dina Manzo’s cat, Grandma Wrinkles, would be jealous of Estella’s skin – it’s so smooth!
Actually, Estella went from Grandma Wrinkles to Grandma Wrinkle-less, which is a powerful testament to Paul Nassif’s skill as a plastic surgeon. If I ever get any work done, I will definitely holla at Paul Nassif, as he seems to keep his plastic surgery game on lock. Unfortunately, Kyle isn’t ready for any (more) plastic surgery as of yet. Kyle ominously admits that she won’t have any (more) work done on her face until it’s “hanging off the floor”, so hopefully that’ll give her at least a few more years by Beverly Hills standards (hopefully).
Another ominous situation to dread is the impending confrontation of Camille Grammer and Taylor Armstrong. Over lunch, Brandi Glanville tells Adrienne Maloof that she wants to “get all the girls together” for a night of fun! In the previous episode, she said that she thought about bringing in a porn star to give an informal “blow job” seminar, but she opted to have something a little more low-key (and classy) at her friend’s oceanfront property in Malibu. The Queen of P.C., Adrienne, predicts that bringing Camille and Taylor into the same room might not be the best idea.
For good reason, both Taylor and Camille are dreading the thought of having to see each other, but for different reasons. Taylor is upset because Camille “outed” her abuse claims at Lisa’s tea party, and Camille is upset because she has repeatedly reached out to Taylor for forgiveness, only to be rebuffed by Taylor’s decision not to move forward and forgive. Still, both of the ladies choose to attend Brandi’s ladies night.
The only way this ladies night could have been any more surreal-ly outrageous is if Lil’ Kim, Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez, Missy Elliot, DaBrat, and Aaliyah made surprise appearances and sang the hook to their iconic song, ‘Not Tonight’. Back in the old days, there was this crazy social custom where, if you didn’t want to run into someone at a small gathering or party, you simply DID NOT GO. Foregoing antiquated social customs, Taylor and Camille both decide to attend Brandi’s girl night with grave repercussions.
Everything starts out smoothly enough. Walking into the beachfront home, all of the ladies are greeted with a glass of Chardonnay by a Malibu-local, Zach Morris-haired sommelier, and he makes it rain all over the place with the white wine – so much so that most of the ladies get a little tipsy. After errrrrrrbody at the party gets a little more tipsy, the effects of the white wine become blatantly obvious in two individuals in particular: 1. Taylor 2. Dede (Camille’s BFF).
From the beginning of this season, Camille has been working diligently to fix her public image by being extremely polite, extremely kind, and extremely neutral. In other words, she’s taken a page out of the “How to be a Maloof” manual, and so far it’s worked. The first time Camille broke (character) type was when she honestly and abruptly confronted Taylor about her claims of abuse. Most of the ladies still concede that they have never witnessed signs of physical abuse in Taylor’s marriage, but they know that something is off based on Taylor’s emotionally erratic behavior.
Instead of taking the high road (or staying home), Taylor’s façade of civility begins to crack after (I’m guessing) several glasses of wine. Unable to contain her disdain, Taylor starts badmouthing Camille to Kyle, loudly enough for Dede to overhear the conversation. As a good friend does, Dede steps in and tries to reason with Taylor on Camille’s behalf (after several glasses of wine as well, I’m guessing), which causes Taylor to go off (like a grenade).
Screaming at the top of her lungs “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHE’S (Camille) DONE TO ME!!!”, Taylor loses her mind in front of everyone. The more Taylor screams, the more Dede tries to scream back at her and convince her that Camille isn’t wrong. Amidst the chaos, Camille stays out of the confrontation, letting Taylor have her Bensimonian breakdown with the patience and calmness of a beatified Saint. Sister Mary Camille Donatucci Grammer does her best to pull Dede away from the confrontation after seeing how distraught Taylor becomes.
All of the women huddle around Taylor trying to calm her down, but there are too many hands and voices, and Taylor becomes even more erratic, starring in her own updated version of Pedro Almodovar’s Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (I may have already written that for another episode but it totally applies here, so if I did, to quote myself, OH WELL!), but someone should tell Taylor that Pedro Almodovar already has a muse (Penelope Cruz) and that reality television performances don’t normally qualify for Best Dramatic Actress nominations at the Oscars.
Rationalizing that all of this “drama” was brought on solely by Taylor – and that with the absence of Taylor, the drama might subside – Brandi curtly asks Taylor to leave her party. Met with a cursory expletive, “F*** you, Brandi!”, Brandi actively puts her hand in Taylor’s face, which gets slapped away by Kyle’s hand with a relay threat: “Don’t you EVER put your hands on me again!” Fleeing the scene, Brandi and Kyle rush out of the house so that Taylor can finish the rest of her drunken meltdown in the limo.
Tearfully, Brandi admits that all she wanted was a drama-free night where the ladies could just have fun. Normally, to quote Miss Cyndi Lauper, “Girls [do] just want to have fun,” but it wasn’t going to happen with this group – certainly not with so many cameras and glasses of white wine around. If everyone were more like Kim Richards in this episode – staying home alone with a small, china plate of Cheetos and a glass of soda – perhaps they would have had more fun. Stay tuned for more figurative, literal and semantic breakdowns and recaps of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
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