The Real Disney Princesses Of Middle School

I’m in middle school. I bet some of you are shuddering. Well, don’t worry, not much has changed. Still, I bet the Disney Princesses probably could have dealt with it, no big deal.

First of all, if the Disney Princesses were in middle school, you know some of them would be the  rebel girls. You know who I’m talking about: Mulan, Pocahantas, Ariel and Jasmine. And some of them would be super neat-freaks, like Snow White, Cinderella and Tiana. And some of the princesses could get lonely, like Aurora, Belle and Rapunzel, so they would make questionable choices when it came to picking friends. Some of them have a serious dark side and all of them have pipes, so you know all of our princesses were in chorus together, one big happy singing Princess family. Oh, and they are all boy crazy. But they’re still too young yet to elope and stuff. So, for now, it’s really about who they hang out with. And so this is how it breaks down.

The Regina Georges: Disney Princesses don’t have a mean bone in their fluid bodies, silly. So there is not one Princesses in this posse.

The Princesses Most Likely To Join GreenPeace and Who Are All Into Recycling Right Now: Well, duh, this would be Snow White. She talks to woodland creatures, after all . And you know who her Bestie is? Pocahantas, the quintessential princess Tree-hugger. Nature is so important to Pocahantas, and like Snow White, she’s super into singing about it, too. And that’s a great thing, because we need our princesses to think about the environment, and thank goodness with have Snow and Pocahantas. I can see Snow and Pocahantas being all into evites instead of paper invitations to their birthday parties.

The Princesses Who Can Hang With (Boy) Friends: Mulan  and Jasmine are princesses who can throw down with the boys but also can be “just friends” with the fellas.  They have no problems wearing pants and they don’t see what the big deal is, anyway. They totally text each other on the way to school and they IM when they get home.  Both princesses are quick on their feet, and the boys may grumble when Mulan and Jasmine want to play basketball, but hey, they’re princesses, they can play if they so deign to! And the boys have to just suck it. And also, Mulan and Jasmine’s favorite boys to be friends with are the ones who are chill.

The You-Talkin’-To-Me Princesses: Most of the Disney princesses are emotional and romantic and, you know, sweet. But they also have a fierce backbone and these Princesses hate being told what to do:  Tiana, Ariel and Jasmine. (Yes, Jasmine is one of the rare types of Middle School Princesses that can hang with different groups – she’s that awesome. Mulan sometimes hangs out with them, but she’s more into one-on-one time with Jazzy. And when Jasmine is all like, ‘Hey, I am going to go hang out with Tiana and Ariel, you want to come?’ and Mulan’s like, ‘Nah,’ Mulan will often find herself with Rapunzel, who’s kind of a loner, but with a big personality, and Mulan really likes that in a BFF).  Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, Tiana, Ariel and Jasmine, the sassy princesses; they’re not mean, not by a long shot, they’re just not into being ordered around. They see what’s wrong with the big picture and do their darndest to work around it. And also? They are so not into the word NO. Think about how Ariel was all like, Hell No to her dad, King Triton. You hear me

The Princesses Who Can Make A Paper Bag Look High Fashion: Now, we all have friends who can turn a white t-shirt into a magnificent ball gown just by looking at it. And let’s face it, these girls are PRINCESSES. If they can’t make their outfits look like they came out of the pages of Elle, then seriously, they need to leave the castle. And you know who these girls are, right? Belle (well come on, she is the “Beauty.”) Aurora (another “beauty” who is really really shy) and Cinderella (she’s a little nervous). These three stick to each other like glue, walking down the corridors arm-in-arm, with a Black Keys song playing as they whisk by.

The Ready For Broadway Princesses: Tiana definitely knows she’s not going to grow up and get married, she’s going to do something big with her life. Rapunzel, too, knows she’s got to go for it or she’ll just get caught in a rut. And I can see Tiana and Rapunzel finding each other in like 7th grade, and going, oh yeah, we’re different than everyone else, we should stick together, and become BFFL’s.

I think for the most part, the Disney Princesses in middle school issues at home—moms that died or dads who are either too suffocating or just basically distant, super mean step-sisters and step-brothers and step-mothers— are so annoying that they need their girls to help them get through the day. Yes, they will all have boy drama. I mean, seriously, they’re Princesses, not Robots! I’m sure that by the time they get to 8th grade, some of them, like Mulan and Tiana, will have figured out their feminist legacy, and some of them like Snow White and Cinderella will still have a Bossypants breathing down their neck, but all of them will have found a way to express themselves that is super rad.

And really, that’s what a Princess in middle school needs: her voice.

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