That's Ba-Nanas

‘The Rachel Zoe Project' Episode 3: Rodger's Temper and Kim Kardashian Are Hot

In the last episode, Rachel made a wish and… surprise! Joey’s here! Rach is happy that she finally has someone to talk with about her boob size and someone who will lie around with her and feel the baby kick. Someone who will be her other half. You know, her partner. Her emotional support. Her… wait, where’s Rodge?

In any case, Joey immediately gets down to the important questions.

“Are you actually gonna let it come out of your vag?”

“I mean… that’s the plan.”

Rodge is off with Jeremiah, the new hire/free interior designer doing walk-through of the new house. He’s got two weeks to make it perf—go! Rodge doesn’t  care if they live on crates, but points out that Rach will flip out if the house isn’t furnished impeccably. No presh, Jer.

Wait. There’s something going on with Jeremiah’s lower extremities. He appears to be wearing ta-hight white jeans. Rewind. Yep, tight and white. But what’s even more amusing than Jer’s outfit is how blatant Rodge is being about not giving a s**t about Jeremiah’s ideas for the house. As long as he knows that Rach will fire him on the spot if it’s not done right.

Then Jeremiah scouts out Rach and Rodge’s current apartment to get a feel for Rachel’s style. In a word: white. Literally, everything is white.

Joey, who’s also at the pad, is kind of being a bi-otch. I’m sensing some jealousy around Mama Zoe. Rach and Jer agree on designing a Parisian parlor in her new house. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds trés chic.

Next, Rach is discovering that she has a day off coming up, so naturally the phone rings and she books a last-minute shoot with Kim Kardashian. Who can say no to Kim?

Rach tells Joey to grab Jeremiah and come over pronto to figure out this Kim K business. He hops in Rodge’s Mercedes and calls Jer from the road to say he’ll be there in five. Jer  thinks he’s kidding, natch, so when Joey arrives five minutes later, he’s in a tank, sipping coffee.

Rach sends the boys off to pull some accessories and shares the heartbreaking news that since the shoot is at a private house, only a few peeps can be there, so only one of them will get to partake.

Jordan heads up the clothing pull and does it effortlessly and with a smile. This is cause Jordan rocks and is the only sane person on this show.

Joey and Jeremiah’s shoe-pulling is basically one pull of everything there is to pull. It’s unclear if they’re doing a good job, but the tension in the room is higher than the tranny heels Joey is obsessing about. Jeremiah is so over Joey. I’m sort of getting over him too. Why isn’t there room for both of them in Rachel’s life? Poor Jer is just tryin’ to get a job.

I’m also just tryin’ to get a job, so I feel ya, Jer.

Say what??

Back at Rach and Rodge’s, Rodge sneakily suggests that Rachel arrange a shoot for that weekend. Eight months pregnant Rach is thanking the lord that she has a weekend off, so why are you trying to make her, Rodge? She immediately channels her inner preggo psychic and knows that he wants to go to Vegas for the Superbowl. Rodge thinks they’re “in agreeance”.

What’s actually happening is that Rach is shooting him down, but after telling him it’s a horrible idea, she says he can go for 24 hours. Rodge looks like a kid who was just told there’s a Jewish Santa, too.

Big surprise, Rach takes Joey to the shoot. It has to be done in four hours. I’m getting legit stressed out by this season. Everything used to be fun-crazy, and now things are just getting too real. I thought reality television meant sort-of-like-reality-but-fun.

Joey helps arrange Kim and her underwear and gets a high five.

Meanwhile, Jeremiah is in full-on work mode and enters the coolest store ever. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to afford a pillow, let alone furnish my whole house there, but Jer finds a couch with nail heads that he wants customized differently and made in three days. An extra $350? Fine. This makes me wonder – did Rachel give him a budget or did she just say, “If it’s major, buy it”?

If I took anything as seriously as Jer takes picking out couch fabric, I might be the first female president. Or at least have some sort of employment.

The next scene is either post-Vegas and we don’t see the state Rodge comes home in or else it’s pre-Vegas, which seems more likely. Rachel comes out in a Harry and the Hendersons vest and enormous glasses and announces that she can’t handle dressing herself anymore, so deal.

Rach’s sister arrives and announces that they’re all going to go see a doula. When asked what her birthing plan is, Rachel makes it pretty clear that she neither has nor wants one. She’d rather wing it the way she wings everything else.

This doesn’t sound like one of Rach’s worst ideas cause I’m pretty sure running a marathon is way easier than having a baby.

The minute they meet with the very sweet doula, Rodge becomes abrasive and says that he doesn’t want a doula.

The doula asks Rachel, “Would you like to have a vaginal birth?”

“No, I’d like him to just appear.”

And suddenly this turns into a therapy session when the doula asks Rach what she’d like Rodge to do differently. Rodge figures he could have “phoned this one in” since no one’s letting him talk. I am so stressed out.

Things don’t get any better on the car ride home.

Rachel: “If I start watching videos, I will literally not give birth.”

Sis is stuck in the back seat and is visibly stressed out, too. Rodge is trying to tell Rach to stop micromanaging the company. This is like telling God to stop micromanaging the world.

Next week, Rodge gets a lap dance and Rachel moves into the new house. I plan to bring a martini to the couch and I suggest you do the same.

Top image from Amazon. All other images via BravoTV.

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