Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST

The Pros and Cons of TV’s Best Boyfriends


“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” — Homer Simpson. Your boyfriends are all in your television. Let’s review!


Aiden Shaw, Sex and the City
Pros: Forgiving, thoughtful, caring, can make you a bench or chair.
Cons: Will clutter your bathroom with various Speed Sticks (they have different smells).


Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother
Pros: Wants to get married. Is romantic, kind, and sweet. Kind of looks like a young John Cusack.
Cons: Takes a really, really long time to tell a story.


jim halpert the office

Jim Halpert, The Office
Pros: The perfect balance of geeky and cute, really good at pining for people, height.
Cons: Lets the smallest amount of power go to his head.


Bill Compton, True Blood
Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is.
Cons: Kind of possessive, is easily captured, will at some point be mistaken for your son as he never ages, can’t stay in sunlight without bursting into flames, is probably a drag at dinner parties, and he might eat you if he’s really hungry.


Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Pros: Will wait for you forever.
Cons: Cry


Pacey Witter, Dawson’s Creek
Pros: Scrappy and sarcastic with a sexy smirk.
Cons: Overuses SAT words and dresses like Kramer.


don draper, man men, 1960s, jon hamm

Don Draper, Mad Men

Pros: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Cons: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.


luke perry, dylan mckay, beverly hills 90210

Dylan McKay, Beverly Hills, 90210
Pros: Classic bad boy but without a crippling drug habit, rich, is sensitive deep down, and owns a lot of sharp looking dusters and overcoats.
Cons: Will disappear for weeks/seasons at a time, has a bad temper, will hit on your best friend while you’re in Paris, and hard to pin down; as one imdb user puts it on the Beverly Hills, 90210 message boards, “[His] house was located right on the border between Beverly Hills and Narnia.”


Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
Cons: Him?


jack, jack lost, lost, jack shephard, matthew fox

Jack Shephard, Lost
Pros: Takes a leadership role, is a doctor, handsome, and likes dogs.
Cons: Looks bad with a beard. Loves to crash planes into mysterious islands. Has daddy issues. Cries a lot. Is dead.


sawyer, james sawyer, lost, james sawyer ford

James “Sawyer” Ford, Lost
Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Also, this: Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”
Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates Asian people. Hates polar bear people. Is also dead.


eric northman, eric true blood, eric, sarsgard

Eric Northman, True Blood
Pros: Has abs you could tap dance on, looks good in anything, has power, runs his own successful business.
Cons: Will not be able to take lazy strolls on a summer afternoon, will fuck with you for three seasons unless your name is Godric or you are a viking descendant, may die in a freak gasoline fight.


zack morris, zack, saved by the bell

Zack Morris, Saved By The Bell
Pros: Is widely considered the class heartthrob, gets into lovably wacky shenanigans, will help you if you are, “so excited, so excited…so scared.”
Cons: Has a strange obsession with his high school principal. Will freeze-frame your ass. Is known for having a really big…cell phone.


uncle jesse, full house, jesse full house, john stamos

“Uncle Jesse” Katsoplis, Full House
Pros: In a band, great hair and smile, good with kids.
Cons: Has questionable taste in denim, talks like a 1950s greaser or a 1980s country music artist (depending on the year), stays home a lot.


robert stack, unsolved mysteries

Robert Stack, Unsolved Mysteries
Pros: Great deep voice, looks good in trench coats, likes to help others.
Cons: Everything he says will sound ominous; you will wonder if, “We’re having dinner at 7:30″ is the last thing you ever hear.


Originally posted at apocalypstick.com. All images from fanpop.

  • http://www.facebook.com/clairewasacubscout Claire Hunt

    Agreed on most of these….but….
    Where’s Seth Cohen?!

    • http://www.facebook.com/ThePantedOne Hannah Johnson

      Yes where is Seth Cohen!

  • http://www.facebook.com/szarrinkelk Sepideh Zarrinkelk

    No boys from the “Gilmore Girls” ?

  • http://www.facebook.com/kaushiki.chowdhury Kaushiki Chowdhury

    Ron Swanson?!

  • http://www.facebook.com/sophiamarie Sophia Williams

    I second the Seth Cohen comment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sbabuka Sheryn Babuka

    This was GREAT! I think what these other commenters meant was “This was GREAT! You should make it a recurring article!”. Last one was hilarious. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=19604860 Amber Alvarado

    my husband is basically Ted Mosby, long stories and all. Score!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001507511645 Ashley Maffioli

    one of my favey fave posts ever! i love halpert with the shaggy hair, and pacey!, and even more so SAWYER.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jillemader Jill Mader

    Chuck Bartowski
    Pros: Perfect mix of geeky and handsome, can fix your computer, knows kung fu.
    Cons: Travels a lot, might get captured or killed.

    • http://www.facebook.com/KarenNemeth Karen Nemeth

      Cons: last girlfriend looked like a supermodel and can kill you 537 different ways wiyhout a weapon


  • http://www.facebook.com/jelenaardila Jelena Ardila Vetrovec

    LOOOL This was extremely Hillarious! such a good dose of laugh early in the morning :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=31711790 Danielle Kerr

    I swear, the line about Dylan McKay’s house being on the border of Beverly Hills and Narnia listerally made me snort from laughing so hard. brava!

  • http://www.facebook.com/georgia.kileylamont Georgia Kiley-Lamont

    Agree with Chuck Bartowski as a contender. Would also like to put forward Seeley Booth and Logan Echolls.

    • http://www.facebook.com/KarenNemeth Karen Nemeth

      And I’ll throw in Dean from Supernatural! (and Sammy for those that prefer the nice guy to the dark, damged one. Mmmmm, dark, damaged goodness….)

  • http://www.facebook.com/jillemader Jill Mader

    Ooh, totally agree on Logan Echolls!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1540326461 Holly McDonald

    Hahaha, Dawson Leery, that crybaby.

  • http://www.facebook.com/trishbenford Trish Benford

    I totally clicked on this expecting Seth Cohen and Ryan Atwood. sadface.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=782047834 Anthony Artur

    where’s Carmine “The Big Ragu” Ragusa?

  • http://www.facebook.com/brielle.arnold Brielle Arnold

    Hahaha, I loved the “may die in a freak gasoline fight.” Zoolander reference FTW!

    • http://www.facebook.com/almie.rose Almie Rose

      Thank you! Eugoogoly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kellymonkeefern Kelly Fernández

    Robert Stack! Fricking priceless.

  • http://www.facebook.com/h.mill1988 Helen Miller

    Love the con for Dawson Leery. That .gif never gets old

  • http://www.facebook.com/trovator Ruthie Trovato

    Yes! TV boyfriends! Glad I’m not alone with my weird Michael Bluth/Jason Bateman crush.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=506545878 Kristie Forzese Bringhurst

    Hahahahah. LOVE the last one.

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