“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” — Homer Simpson. Your boyfriends are all in your television. Let’s review!
Aiden Shaw, Sex and the City
Pros: Forgiving, thoughtful, caring, can make you a bench or chair.
Cons: Will clutter your bathroom with various Speed Sticks (they have different smells).
Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother
Pros: Wants to get married. Is romantic, kind, and sweet. Kind of looks like a young John Cusack.
Cons: Takes a really, really long time to tell a story.
Jim Halpert, The Office
Pros: The perfect balance of geeky and cute, really good at pining for people, height.
Cons: Lets the smallest amount of power go to his head.
Bill Compton, True Blood
Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is.
Cons: Kind of possessive, is easily captured, will at some point be mistaken for your son as he never ages, can’t stay in sunlight without bursting into flames, is probably a drag at dinner parties, and he might eat you if he’s really hungry.
Pacey Witter, Dawson’s Creek
Pros: Scrappy and sarcastic with a sexy smirk.
Cons: Overuses SAT words and dresses like Kramer.
Don Draper, Mad Men
Pros: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Cons: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Dylan McKay, Beverly Hills, 90210
Pros: Classic bad boy but without a crippling drug habit, rich, is sensitive deep down, and owns a lot of sharp looking dusters and overcoats.
Cons: Will disappear for weeks/seasons at a time, has a bad temper, will hit on your best friend while you’re in Paris, and hard to pin down; as one imdb user puts it on the Beverly Hills, 90210 message boards, “[His] house was located right on the border between Beverly Hills and Narnia.”
Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
Jack Shephard, Lost
Pros: Takes a leadership role, is a doctor, handsome, and likes dogs.
Cons: Looks bad with a beard. Loves to crash planes into mysterious islands. Has daddy issues. Cries a lot. Is dead.
James “Sawyer” Ford, Lost
Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Also, this: Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”
Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates Asian people. Hates polar bear people. Is also dead.
Eric Northman, True Blood
Pros: Has abs you could tap dance on, looks good in anything, has power, runs his own successful business.
Cons: Will not be able to take lazy strolls on a summer afternoon, will fuck with you for three seasons unless your name is Godric or you are a viking descendant, may die in a freak gasoline fight.
Zack Morris, Saved By The Bell
Pros: Is widely considered the class heartthrob, gets into lovably wacky shenanigans, will help you if you are, “so excited, so excited…so scared.”
Cons: Has a strange obsession with his high school principal. Will freeze-frame your ass. Is known for having a really big…cell phone.
“Uncle Jesse” Katsoplis, Full House
Pros: In a band, great hair and smile, good with kids.
Cons: Has questionable taste in denim, talks like a 1950s greaser or a 1980s country music artist (depending on the year), stays home a lot.
Robert Stack, Unsolved Mysteries
Pros: Great deep voice, looks good in trench coats, likes to help others.
Cons: Everything he says will sound ominous; you will wonder if, “We’re having dinner at 7:30″ is the last thing you ever hear.