Apocalypstick's ApocaLIST The Pros and Cons of TV’s Best Boyfriends Almie Rose

 

“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” — Homer Simpson. Your boyfriends are all in your television. Let’s review!

 

Aiden Shaw, Sex and the City
Pros: Forgiving, thoughtful, caring, can make you a bench or chair.
Cons: Will clutter your bathroom with various Speed Sticks (they have different smells).

 

Ted Mosby, How I Met Your Mother
Pros: Wants to get married. Is romantic, kind, and sweet. Kind of looks like a young John Cusack.
Cons: Takes a really, really long time to tell a story.

 

jim halpert the office

Jim Halpert, The Office
Pros: The perfect balance of geeky and cute, really good at pining for people, height.
Cons: Lets the smallest amount of power go to his head.

 

Bill Compton, True Blood
Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is.
Cons: Kind of possessive, is easily captured, will at some point be mistaken for your son as he never ages, can’t stay in sunlight without bursting into flames, is probably a drag at dinner parties, and he might eat you if he’s really hungry.

 

Dawson Leery, Dawson’s Creek
Pros: Will wait for you forever.
Cons: Cry

 

Pacey Witter, Dawson’s Creek
Pros: Scrappy and sarcastic with a sexy smirk.
Cons: Overuses SAT words and dresses like Kramer.

 

don draper, man men, 1960s, jon hamm

Don Draper, Mad Men

Pros: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Cons: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.

 

luke perry, dylan mckay, beverly hills 90210

Dylan McKay, Beverly Hills, 90210
Pros: Classic bad boy but without a crippling drug habit, rich, is sensitive deep down, and owns a lot of sharp looking dusters and overcoats.
Cons: Will disappear for weeks/seasons at a time, has a bad temper, will hit on your best friend while you’re in Paris, and hard to pin down; as one imdb user puts it on the Beverly Hills, 90210 message boards, “[His] house was located right on the border between Beverly Hills and Narnia.”

 

Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
Cons: Him?

 

jack, jack lost, lost, jack shephard, matthew fox

Jack Shephard, Lost
Pros: Takes a leadership role, is a doctor, handsome, and likes dogs.
Cons: Looks bad with a beard. Loves to crash planes into mysterious islands. Has daddy issues. Cries a lot. Is dead.

 

sawyer, james sawyer, lost, james sawyer ford

James “Sawyer” Ford, Lost
Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Also, this: Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”
Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates Asian people. Hates polar bear people. Is also dead.

 

eric northman, eric true blood, eric, sarsgard

Eric Northman, True Blood
Pros: Has abs you could tap dance on, looks good in anything, has power, runs his own successful business.
Cons: Will not be able to take lazy strolls on a summer afternoon, will fuck with you for three seasons unless your name is Godric or you are a viking descendant, may die in a freak gasoline fight.

 

zack morris, zack, saved by the bell

Zack Morris, Saved By The Bell
Pros: Is widely considered the class heartthrob, gets into lovably wacky shenanigans, will help you if you are, “so excited, so excited…so scared.”
Cons: Has a strange obsession with his high school principal. Will freeze-frame your ass. Is known for having a really big…cell phone.

 

uncle jesse, full house, jesse full house, john stamos

“Uncle Jesse” Katsoplis, Full House
Pros: In a band, great hair and smile, good with kids.
Cons: Has questionable taste in denim, talks like a 1950s greaser or a 1980s country music artist (depending on the year), stays home a lot.

 

robert stack, unsolved mysteries

Robert Stack, Unsolved Mysteries
Pros: Great deep voice, looks good in trench coats, likes to help others.
Cons: Everything he says will sound ominous; you will wonder if, “We’re having dinner at 7:30″ is the last thing you ever hear.

 

Originally posted at apocalypstick.com. All images from fanpop.

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  5. Best. Post. Ever.

  6. Pacey dresses like Kramer? I never thought of that!

  7. to post a comment

  8. Can we have Matt Smith’s incarnation of the Doctor or does that not really count given him being an alien and all?

    Then again Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood is cool. He’s not an alien although he can reincarnate himself so that could be weird.

  9. I seriously cracked up at Dawson. What a maroon!

  10. “Michael Bluth
    Cons: Him?”
    Hahaha.
    LOVE this. :)

  11. Ted but not Marshall?

  12. Very good list! But I have to say that Logan Echolls would be there for me too. He is super duper hot!

  13. Must concur with some other ladies.. where’s my Seth Cohen at?! I love everything else though and also the first lines of your bio… <3 Lost

  14. Jim Halpert: Will leave you CRYING AT A FOUNTAIN in New York City while he rushes back to Scranton to ask out his one true love, despite saying that he wasn’t even really that into her anymore.

    For the record, this is something I never got over and actually made me stop watching the show.

  15. Ryan Atwood
    Pros: Looks good in tank tops
    Caretaker
    May seem like a bad boy, but he actually has a lot of heart
    Cons: Prone to getting into fights
    There will always be someone to keep you apart from him
    Rather communicate with expressions instead of words

  16. hahahaha, “Him?”
    But seriously… Where’s Jess from Gilmore Girls?

  17. Thumbs up for the Arrested Development reference. Michael always asks George Michael her?

  18. Jordan Catalano!
    Pros: plays guitar, sings, has the most beautiful eyes in recorded history.
    Cons: Can’t read. Might be singing about his car, not about you.

  19. I’m sorry, where is my Chuck Bass?

    • chuck bass. pros: has his own empire, stylish (most of the time), hot friends (chase crawford), likes to travel to europe a lot. cons: daddy issues, mommy issues, may try to rape your little sister, may hand you over to his sleezy uncle to claim said empire

  20. logan huntzberger is my dream boyfriend. and ezra fitz….

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