Three chickens. Twelve goats. Six house cats. Twenty-two roly poly bugs. That’s what love and wedded bliss costs when you’re broker than a trombone filled with pennies, and there’s a dowry on the table. I’ve long since considered myself to be a hopeless romantic. As it turns out, I’m actually a helpless romantic. In the last three months or so, I’ve been offered not only one, but TWO, prearranged marriages to consider. I’m certainly broke. I’m certainly single. I figured, why not? Let’s hear what these ladies are like, and just exactly what I’d have to do to shove off into matrimony on a love boat crafted out of old-world customs.
First, there’s the Brazilian, a rather athletic and cute girl, who as I understand it is the sister of my brother’s brother in law’s new wife (the aristocrats). She’s smart. A teacher. And why I’d be qualified to be her husband is beyond me. Perhaps Brazilian currency is based around obscure Seinfeld references (big salad), in which case, I’m a very wealthy man, and Alec likes spicy chicken. Could I really go through with it?
Secondly, there’s the Costa Rican, who is the sister of a friend’s wife. She’s pretty. Successful, and again, way out of my league. But to further fan the flames of desire, the mother of this girl was in town visiting and literally showed me a picture and told me she was available to be married. While we all approached this as a joke, and all of these things are quite factious in nature, the fact remains that prearranged marriages happen all of the time.
So I continued with the delusion like I continue to believe that one day I’ll live in Paris and drive a motorcycle with a sidecar (sans helmet, avec mustache). If I were really to give my heart to a complete stranger, I’d insist on some kind of prearranged question and answer session between us. I’d feel better about going into something with a cold feet temperature that wouldn’t lead to hypothermia and amputation. If given the opportunity to ask my potential wife/mother of child/pillow fort builder/tandem bike rider 10 questions, *this is what I’d want to know.*
(Score 10 out of 10 Gigglers and I’ll marry you. But for you gals, that’d be like going to a carnival and wanting the big Pink Panther stuffed animal and ending up with only the raffle tickets that you forgot to cash in. To the questions!)
1. Please explain to me why the tracking shot through the kitchen in Goodfellas is the greatest thing ever seen on screen?
2.Which musician/band do you prefer the most: Otis Redding, Sam Cooke or The Rolling Stones?
3. The New York Giants are playing a Chicago Bears team completely made up by mini-Mike Ditka’s. What’s the final score?
4. You’re only able to use one adjective to describe yourself. What is it? Is the antonym worse than the synonym’s redeeming qualities?
5. I cried at the end of Terminator 2 when I was a kid. Does that make me a pussy and or a robot whisperer?
6. Can our wedding be exactly like the wedding at the start of Coming to America?
7. How many cracks do I get at making a boy before your trouser vindaloo is closed for business?
8. If we have all girls, can I show all of their boyfriends a gun on the their first dates?
9. Ranch dressing will never be used on pizza nor will ketchup ever be used on a hot dog. Are you okay with this?
10. I’m broke. Real broke. Can your dowry consist of me singing either No Scrubs by TLC or I Saw the Sign by Ace of Base?
These are the only questions I would need to know in order to go through with a prearranged marriage. Oh, I forgot one. Can I borrow a dollar?
image via: almightydad
Oh Alec, you had me until #9.
Answers to the following questions
1. That scene is the best thing ever… could it be the smugness and coolness factor of Ray Liotta walking in like he owns the place, Lorraine Bronco’s uber cute outfit and beehive hairdo? Or when they walk through the kitchen and he knows everybody and she picks up a piece of food and plops it in her mouth? Or is it the fact that the ever classy Ronnettes are playing in the background… There are too many awesome reasons to narrow down one reason alone… It just works
2. Otis for everything and everything… Sam Cooke when I wanna twist the night away or learn about what a wonderful world this could be which is 99% of my time… The Stones for the reasoning as to why I have Mick Jagger/Keith Richards movements
3. Said in the ever brilliant Chris Farley accent: “Da Bears would win every time especially if they had an entire team made up of da coach… the final score would be a bakers dozen to zero”
4. Is nerd an adjective? Probably not… Passionate best describes me… which would suggest that my evil twin if I had one has the quality of being cold or indifferent if we are basing me off of being the synonym and my evil twin being an antonym… Hmmm
5. Nope… You’ve got two eyes and a heart right? He had to sacrifice himself for the greater good… classic tale… if that tale involved robots
6. I would expect nothing less… can we also throw in the musical number from History of the World, “It’s the Spanish Inquisition?”
7.Hmmm Girls are out of the question… have you seen how Connie is treated in the Godfather….
8. While yes I am a south side Chicago girl I have a weird interest in country music… please look up the lyrics to Rodney Atkins “Cleaning This Gun” enough said… However the gun must be something that looks like it was used in Lonesome Dove or in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
9. Again… I am from Chicago… why in heaven’s name is ranch going on a pizza and ketchup on a hot dog.. That is sac religious
10. Of course… but there must also be dance moves and a wardrobe to go along with the singing. Bonus points if you can belt Say My Name by Destiny’s Child.
So romantic. I like such men
http://www.cigs4girls.com/
my number one criteria in a man is that he loves Goodfellas! also the stones, da bears, i don’t like adjectives, i prefer verbs, robot whisperer, as long as Eddie Murphy can attend the wedding, i want a boy more than a girl so at least up to 5, if you don’t have the shotgun i will, i’m picky so i hate condiments, and i want a mashup of both songs
How is it that I enjoy your articles so much, yet according to your quizzes we are the least compatible people in the world? On the plus side, realizing how incompatible I am with others makes me pretty grateful for my boyfriend. He puts up with a lot of eccentricities.
The tracking shot is amazing because of the fluidity. When there is that much going on in a scene and the actor, actress, and cameramen are able to slide their way through small spaces in one single shot without any tripping or bumping or halting, it creates a particular talent. Not to mention the table set up. It is like something from a cartoon. Especially with the lamp.
Otis Redding all the way. I love waking up in the morning and going running and putting on some “(Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay” or “I’ve got Dreams to Remember”. Something about the dew mixed with morning and the freshness of the sky. Of course those are the slowest I can run to, I would suggest adding Van Morrison to the list, specifically “Madame George” (The fast version).
41-3 with Bears leading. Being a ‘Louisianian,’ Mike Ditka who has a history with the Saints would kill the Giants. Plain and simple.
Before I would have said incompetent (antonym: able). Today, I would say impertinent (antonym: polite). I think that the antonym is better than impertinent in a few ways, but in order to be myself, I must be impertinent in my beliefs, in my candor, and in my integrity, and so it sort of rounds itself out, right?
Robot whisperer, who secretly wished you were a terminator because you identified with them, and that is why you cried.
If you mean traveling far away from home, then yes. I prefer privacy to extravagance.
Four- five. Children are my heroes and I expect them to be around.
Considering I grew up with four older sisters and a younger brother, of course. I think most of my boyfriends were too scared to get out of the car without encouragement in high school, which is probably why I did not wind up dropping out, married, with children. Thank you Daddy for your intimidating marks on men.
You do what you do. You eat what you eat, I eat what I eat. I just started eating meat again and hot dogs are no longer on my list of appropriate. If I decide to eat my favorite peanut butter and mustard sandwich together, you okay with it?
Excuse my language: FUCK YES. I used to rock out to both on the way to high school and my carpool was quite ‘enthused’ at my lovely singing efforts. And perhaps my attempts to impersonate Left Eye.
$1. YOM
(Thank you for this enjoyable post).
Katie
but ranch and pizza are like Forrest and Jenny, not supposed to go together, and even though Pizza deserves better than Ranch, Ranch deserves love and Pizza Jr. is the cutest little boy and so smart. What was I talking about?
Also hard to choose between Otis, Sam Cooke and the Stones. Sophie’s choice!
HAHA YES!
giants vs mini ditkas? there wasn’t a score. the giant’s knew it was best to just stay at home. now it’s time i go write myself one of these fancy schmancy questionnaires to weed out the men from the boys!
to answer number 3: I don’t know, but if your team won/lost I’ll cheer/cry with you.
“Trouser vindaloo” may be the funniest phrase I’ve read in quite some time.
A writer who refers to himself as a (possible) robot whisperer, calls ladybits “trouser vindaloo,” and has a very real concern about the relationships between ranch dressing and pizza and ketchup and hot dogs? I say yes, sir.
I didn’t know how hard a heart could flutter: Coming to America, Sam Cooke, and that.scene.in.Goodfellas.