The Perks of Surviving an Apocalypse

I recently posted I Have No Survival Skills and I Am Going To Die (which is still true) but it got me thinking… in the event of an apocalypse maybe it’s not all bad. If I do somehow survive , it could be fun…

Well, first you should know that I made the mistake of reading a series of apocalypse themed novels as an impressionable child. This, plus naturally being afraid of everything, has conditioned me into believing that at some point in my lifetime, a killer virus will absolutely positively spread and kill every one. But me.

I will be forced to take in any orphaned children and we will live in an abandoned home where I will cook for them and teach them skills like gardening and tell them stories of magic things called “showers” which existed in the world before the killer virus which we shall refer to as “before time.” We will throw our piling trash out in swimming pools and learn how to collect rain water and after years and years of this we will all grow up and forget our birth names and call each other things based on our jobs like Hunter or Cook.

This will all happen while we eat the last remaining cans of SPAM that we took from the abandoned Costco (which is now a home for the local wild dogs).

Some nights I’d lay awake in my bed, face up, paralyzed, looking up at the ceiling and I would brace myself because I was so sure that tonight was the night. Tonight is the night the world explodes. I would sit in my bed and just stare straight ahead just waiting to be rocketed off into the distance and the ground below me would just explode

Somehow I thought by being mentally prepared for a virus the disaster wouldn’t happen. Being able to hyper-visualize the end of the world isn’t pleasant, but it’s my cross to bear.

If you are anything like me, you are a paranoid mess too. Anyway, here is this list of the perks of surviving an apocalypse.

  1. You’ll have to teach yourself how to fight off the wild dogs that live behind CVS now, but at least you’ll have a cool skill!
  2. You can finally start taking multi-vitamins because you having nothing else to do!
  3. You’ll have to figure out a place to put your trash because there is no longer a sanitation department but finding new places to frequent is fun!
  4. You will be rich!! You can accumulate a bunch of paper money because even though it is now worthless, it’s fun to have a fat wallet.
  5. You can re-read Hatchet by Gary Paulsen
  6. You’ll finally have time to keep a journal.
  7. Cry until you heart is content!
  8. You can go to Costco because now you’re able to get in without a membership!
  9. You can read 50 Shades of Grey since there is no one left to judge you!
  10. Eat a ton of ice cream (before it all melts of course)
  11. You’ll get super fit because of the traveling and the self sufficiency stuff.
  12. You can pretend you’re Amelia Earhart.
  13. Finally be able to understand what life was like before TV and cell phones.
  14. Use the men’s bathroom! Who’s going to stop you?
  15. Stop feeling weird that you listen to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack when you’re alone.
  16. Never shave again.
  17. Wear a top hat, a rain poncho, and socks with sandals all at the same time! Fashion no longer exists!
  18. Sing REM ‘S It’s The End Of The World As We Know It as loud as you want, walk around naked, talk to yourself in a Russian accent.
  19. Eat peanut butter out of the jar with your fingers. Do whatever you want. who cares? You’re the only person left.
  20. You can do what you love and never worry about what people think about you… (but you should do this anyway… with or without an apocalypse)

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