The Only Times When Screaming is Acceptable

  • When you are being murdered
  • When you are witnessing a murder
  • When someone shows up with a surprise pizza
  • When your jam comes on
  • During a game of tennis*
  • Christmas morning when you see that new bike under the tree
  • When sporting events get really intense**
  • After you win anything on the radio***
  • If you’re being kidnapped
  • Over loud music at a club****
  • When you are real mad*****
  • Sex, duh, but that’s kind of embarrassing******

*This is really just more of an advanced grunt that borders on a scream.

**Like, actually really intense. Like, you probably can’t scream until the second half of anything.

***Or when they play the song you requested.

****You don’t always have to scream. Sometimes talking closer to someone’s ear in a normal voice is more effective than screaming from six inches away. That’s why some people think I’m a close talker, I think. I mean, I am, but I also don’t want to scream a bunch.


******But not if you’re somewhere that losers can hear you or you’re gross or I know you and it will ruin me.

the times in which screaming is unacceptable:

  • In a movie theater unless it’s the early to mid 1900s and movies are still new for you
  • All other times

[This piece was originally published on MollsSheWrote and was edited for language.]

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