SOCIAL STUDIES The Last American Diet Sloane Crosley

Sorry we lost you! You are receiving this automated message because you recently made the smart choice by visiting the Blanc Square Diet™ website. Your health is practically as important to us as it is to you.

Having come so close to embarking on a brand new you, we thought we’d make sure you had all the facts before we part ways. Many of our current loyal customers also pulled the plug at checkout during their first foray into the Blanc Square Universe. But when it comes to entering your credit card information, one of our many mottos is: why blanch at the price when you can blanch at your intestines?

Each shipment of all-natural blanc squares consists of a single biodegradable tray of 18 transparent units meant to last two weeks. That’s four extra units to help you ease into the program. Go ahead and cheat! We won’t look! The blanc squares are meant to be consumed in one sitting and come in the shape of approximately ten bouillon cubes. Blanc Squares can be consumed any time of day. There are no restrictions. Just twist the space-saving tray to release one of the clear units and store the rest in the freezer until you’re ready to use them.

Because they are free of any artificial or natural coloring, they won’t stain. Minimal cleanup, maximum ease. That’s another one of our mottos. Will you loose weight from Blanc Squares? Does a bear crap in the woods? Not if he’s on our program, he doesn’t. But that’s not the point. The point is to freeze those bad eating habits once and for all. By foregoing solids or calorically contaminated liquids and consuming just one Blanc Square per day, you can stop those nasty food cravings in their tracks. Melt them away as if they never existed.

Now, we’re realists. We know it will be challenging at first. Nothing worth doing is ever easy. That’s not one of our mottos, that’s just something people say. But welcome to Blanc Square Nation! Take your daily dose in either solid or liquid form – the choice is yours. Plus you are free to supplement your new diet with as much water as you like. You will be so hydrated, it’s insane. 100% vegan and lactose-free Blanc Squares are
suitable for a raw food diet, as none of our ingredients are cooked over a temperate that isn’t preceded by a minus sign.

On the other hand, if you have concerns about e.coli and other bacteria and are already adhering to a strict diet of boiled vegetables, you will find that not one of our squares contain a single thing that ever lived. A carbon dater’s nightmare is your dream! For the macrobiotic lockjaw in your household, a two-week long regiment of Blanc Squares involves minimal chewing. Using foolproof scientific techniques, we can guarantee that absolutely no nutrients are lost between production and consumption.

As Blanc Squares contain zero protein or carbohydrates, they are naturally wheat and gluten-free. They are also free of soy, casein and shellfish which makes them kosher by default. However, just in case, we have an Orthodox Rabbi on staff 24-hours day. Frankly it’s only necessary to have him there between 8AM and 5PM, but there are very few Jews in the austere little town where Blanc Squares are distributed. Thus he doubles
as a security guard to pick up some extra cash. When there appears to be no imminent danger to the factory, we have asked him to turn around and face the door. Just to keep an eye on the place.

If you currently have or are prone to ulcers, Blanc Squares can provide a respite for your stomach from tomato and citrus products. If you currently are or are thinking of becoming an alcoholic, Blanc Squares are a fantastic placebo for frozen vodka or gin or a mixture of both depending on how far gone you are. If you’ve recently had your teeth whitened and are restricted to pale foods such as yogurt, polenta and the top halves
of other peoples key lime pie, our latest motto is: you can get no paler than clear.

Due to our company’s efforts to keep things small, efficient and organic, Blanc Squares profit streams have been unselfishly modest. As a valued member of the community, we have quite voluntarily begun to share production space. We’re happy to announce that Blanc Squares are now being manufactured in a factory that produces Fred’s Fried Fatty Cakes™. The conveyer belts are literally parallel to each other. We share a locker-room. We are proud to be partnered with an American vending machine classic like Fred’s, even if we have been told on numerous occasions that it’s less of a partnership and more of an equipment rental. Sometimes, when Rabbi Canterberg is facing the traditional direction, we can sneak past him before the factory officially opens, uncover the Fred’s Fried Fatty Cakes laundry bin, and indulge in a languorous inhale. Therefore, your order of Blanc Squares may contain trace amounts of wheat, nuts, nut oil, coco, gelatin, molasses, high fructose corn syrup and human tears.

Thank you in advance for logging back in and choosing the Blanc Square Product line. A new you is just a click away! Please note: FDA approval pending. Cold headaches have occurred in some instances but are rare. If, during your regimen, you experience dizziness, nausea, shortness of breath, heart palpitations or see a llama charging at you for no reason as you fall asleep, please wake up and consult a physician.

The Blanc Square Diet is a subsidiary of B.S., Inc. We ship anywhere within the United States and Canada, excluding Alaska. All orders are delivered via priority overnight and packed in ice.

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  1. Believe it or not, haha!, I would try this!

  2. Blanc Square?
    Sounds French. This was really clever and actually funny!