The Kardashians Want Their Vaginas to Smell Like WHAT?!

Hey, ladies! Do your nailbeds suck? Is your hairline so weird? Can you not wear halters because of your man-shoulders? The Kardashians have something else to add to your list of inadequate body things: your vagine doesn’t smell like a pineapple! How can it not smell like a pineapple? What are you, a farmer?

If you haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians (zing!), you missed out on their sacred quest for the holy grail of scenting their southern hemisphere: drinking pineapple juice until you burn an acid hole in your stomach and pee solid sugar cubes. But hey, apparently it made their juicebox smell scrumptious! The day is saved!

Kim and Kourtney went on a pineapple juice binge in an effort to internally perfume their Little Kardashians, after which Khloe had to decide whose lady pelt-infused towel smelled better (not sure if they peed on the towels or just rubbed their shetland ponies all over them – I’m sure they have some kind of high-tech system worked out). You know your sister loves you when she’s willing to smell your vagina towels just so you’ll shut up and leave her alone already.

So there you have it, ladies. Please add to your list of things you must fix about your disgusting selves that your vagina should not smell like an actual vagina, but a tropical orchard of peeing acidic fire. After all, your partner did not sign up to gnaw on some biologically sound piece of coochery that tastes like person! They deserve artificial flavors and coloring! If your el chilito doesn’t taste like Skittles, don’t even bother going home!

The big question on everyone’s mind (the U.N. Security Council needs answers!) is whether this goes both ways in Chez Kardashian. Is Kanye rocking ten gallons of strawberry smoothies a day? Does he wade through a pool of Old Spice on his way to the bedroom? Should he be drinking the Old Spice? Does Old Spice curdle in pineapple juice?

Ladies, let’s be honest. Our chicken coops don’t need to be as high maintenance as we’re made to believe. We don’t need to wax our playa bare. Our baby fro doesn’t need to be landscaped into a chia pet (though it’s fun, amirite?). And we certainly don’t need our Hufflepuff to smell like an edible arrangement. It’s nice to be considerate of your partner, but you can’t be expected to make fruit salad out of a deli platter. That’s not how biology works unless you live in Sweet Valley High: the Sci-Fi Years.

Listen, far be it from me to tell you what to do with your field of dreams, but do it for yourself, not because you think you have to. And if you do decide to remodel your root cellar, make it a group activity and get your partner involved to balance out the fun — after all, you’re a team!

Featured Image © E!

  • Kristine Rezija Sulzanoka

    Surely they are joking…. They MUST be.

  • Patricia Scott

    I seriously needed a laugh this morning, and you delivered it in spades. Thank you! As for the Ladies K, just…EEEEEEEW! It scares me to think of what they’re going to do when they get to be my age.

  • Alicia Gil Houselog

    “Julia Gazdag is a writer, photographer, and breakfast taco enthusiast.”

    I couldn’t help but laugh at this author bio after reading this particular piece. Perhaps my humor just mirrors a middle school boy’s.

  • Nicole Pillatsch

    This is fabulous! Thanks for the laughs!

  • Amie Stepp Wiley

    haha! Is there a book with all the vagina references? Because if there isn’t, you should write one! I thought they were all hilarious! Especially hufflepuff haha!

  • Suzette Higginbotham

    This is hilarious and a must share!! Please, please – more articles from Julia Gazdag. You just made me a follower.

  • Davey Pants

    aww, i was hoping to hear the term ‘pink canoe.’

  • Kirsty Lemare

    I love this article for two reasons. One its hysterical (really Kardashians – pineapple???) and two I now have at least ten new names for the old lady garden – informative AND amusing :)

  • Bea Panda Olivera

    fantastically written.

  • Roxanna Barrios

    I literally just laughed so hard I have to pee. Which is appropriate given the nature of this post.

  • Madeleine Rowe

    I heart you so hard right now.

  • Kristin Elizabeth Kellermeyer

    Great article! But It really does work… Ive been drinking pineapple juice for years for personal hygiene but there is no need to binge and be so dramatic about it! Those girls are strange ones…

  • Jessica Diano

    Hilarious!!! Thank you for this, made my day.

  • Katy Littlejohn

    How many ways can YOU say vagina? (loved this!)

  • Ana Lugo

    that’s an amazing number of euphemisms for the word vagina… I’m impressed. Laughed hysterically through the entire article!
    Sharing NOW.

  • Samantha Jayne Momber

    My nickname is Hufflepuff :(

    • Julia Gazdag

      My nickname is Vagina.

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