Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me. My uncle tells me how busy you are these days. What with all the subpoenas and lawsuits, so I really appreciate you calling me in for a second interview. I haven’t seen one of those in a while, kind of like a Checker Cab or a video on MTV. Regarding your valid questions about my employment history, I will do my best to explain what you might consider some gaps in my resume.
After graduating from our mutual alma matter (Go Corgi’s!) and accepting a position at a dot com, I became one of the victims when the Internet bubble burst and my company was defined in the press as “stupid” and “a big waste of time and money.” Because so much of my pay came in falling stock and worthless options, I soon had to swallow my pride – along with a few too many pills – and moved back in with my parents.
I decided to use that time to help broaden my skills, taking advantage of some video opportunities to increase my ability to comprehend Spanish. When Comcast removed Univision from basic cable, I decided that mañana (tomorrow) had come and it was time to trabajar (work) by contacting some old colleagues. One of them had managed to secure several crates of the hot new toy for that year, Tickle Me Elmo, and we did very well. He took the money and ran. I took it and learned a valuable lesson, that not all plush creatures are created equal. I squandered my small Elmo fortune on an effort to create a series of dolls based on members of the Bush administration. In retrospect, I can see why no one would want to cuddle with a Ken Mehlman doll, no matter how soft.
I worked as a temp for awhile, then took that road trip that every young person dreams of. A month watching real wolves in Alaska turned out to be the perfect preparation for a job at Lehman Brothers, where I was promoted twice. The second one was classified as a clerical error, but as you know they were not very diligent about keeping records at Lehman and there’s nobody to ask now anyway.
Alas, as the financial crisis really started picking up steam my position was once again made redundant. I was one of those brave souls marching home with nothing but a cardboard box filled with gilded corporate mementos and stolen pens to remind them of the good times.
To be honest, I don’t really remember the next year. The kids these days all clamor for a Gap Year so let’s just say that mine came a bit later than most. But the year after that I decided to focus on opportunities in the growing health care industry. Those months as a medical transcriptionist back in my parents’ basement will some day prove invaluable.
Then came my 15 minutes of fame. Long before anybody thought about occupying Wall Street, I conducted an Orwellian experiment by inhabiting the many outdoor spaces in this urban jungle of ours. I lived off the land. And not in a fancy shed like during the Great Depression. No sir. I had to move from monument to monument. As it turns out, I quite enjoy sleeping next to monuments.
I became something of a local celebrity after the video of my arrest for snuggling with the Charging Bull sculpture went viral, and soon found myself called in to audition for a reality TV pilot – Extreme Makeover, the Homeless Edition.
Finally, I was sleeping in a real bed, with amazing views of the Hudson River. After a particularly rough day, I went out for drinks at the urging of producers. Next thing I know I’m being dragged to safety onto the Hoboken ferry. Of course the entire thing was captured on tape. The footage was not kind. Those commuters didn’t so much as budge when I flopped on board. I luckily found a bus driver who took me home. At least I think it was a bus, it might have been a skateboard tied to a van. Either way, the producers were there, waiting with my things. Once again, I needed a job.