Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve desperately dreamed of going to the Academy Awards.
I want to be nominated for the Best Actress award, be on the arm of the hottest guy in Hollywood (Hi, Ryan Gosling…) and wear the most fabulous gown you’ve ever seen.
I spent most of my adolescence vision-boarding this event and writing my pitch-perfect acceptance speech (Note to all future nominees: you have to thank God, your parents, your agent and make some falsely modest statement about how you’re just honored to be in the same category with your professional nemeses. Oh, and thank your lawyer, but with a wink that says “This sounds so Hollywood and I’m embarrassed”, if you want to be sure to sound extremely Hollywood and not be embarrassed).
I’ve even rehearsed my witty red carpet banter:
Red Carpet Press Person: Meghan, you look so much better than everyone else here.
Me: (laughing softly and falsely) Oh, it’s just hair and make-up.
Red Carpet Press Person: Who did your hair?
Me: (laughing softly and falsely) SuperCuts.
Red Carpet Press Person: REALLY?
Me: (laughing softly and falsely) Good gracious, NO. My hair and make-up team is comprised of twelve people and a puppy that I hold to relieve stress lines.
See? I would have the Oscar Red Carpet nailed.
The thing is, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve also gotten wiser. I now understand that the Oscars aren’t as fun as they seem to be on television. In fact, when I consider what the reality of attending the Academy Awards would be, I immediately realize what a terrible idea going even is.
1) You can’t eat cheese for weeks beforehand.
Have you seen how thin most starlets look in their red carpet gowns? It’s because they have to get their gowns from famous fashion designers. The designers loan out sample sizes, which were built not for real people, nor for famous people, but for super models. In order to fit into those gowns, actresses have to be as thin as their photoshopped magazine covers make them look–but in real life. That means that over the winter they can’t eat cheese. I could probably give up most food for fashion, but never cheese. Never that sweet, aged dairy product of the gods. Cheese is the one thing in my life that is good to me and never lets me down. Sure, I have flabby arms because of it, but there’s also light in my life because of it.
2) You have to wear heels all night.
I just don’t do heels very well. Actually, I don’t do shoes well. My feet are oddly shaped and I walk a lot, so I usually just stick to comfortable walking boots or Toms. Shoes are very important at the Academy Awards. People have strong opinions on the color they are, the designer who made them, how high they are and if they are tacky or not. No one ever considers the comfort level, because podiatrists don’t care about the Academy Awards so they’re never in on the discussion. I completely applaud Shailene Woodley for rocking barefoot running shoes to a Golden Globes after party, but even she stuck with conventional heels for the actual show. If I ever went to the Oscars in heels, I guarantee that by the end of the night, I’d have five zillion blisters on my feet, a sprained ankle and I’ll have fallen down at least three times (probably once in front of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie). Clearly, the reason Cinderella ditched that slipper was because it was impossible to walk in heels after a night of impressing an entire royal court.
3) It’s work, not play.
Sure, the Oscars look like the fanciest party to ever take place since Cinderella smartly lost that glass slipper at that one crazy ball, but the event has nothing to do with fun and everything to do with the future of people’s careers. The whole night is interview after interview. Test after test. Audition after audition. Meeting after meeting. It’s all on display for the entire world to see. I get nervous if I know I have to speak to one of my bosses over email. I don’t think I could deal with the endless barrage of press, publicists, agents, writers, producers and directors I’d have to meet and impress. I think I would need to stress eat a lot of cheese.
So in conclusion, I could only go to the Academy Awards if I wasn’t there for work, if I could wear my beat-up Toms under my ball gown and if the entire Kodak Theater was made of cheese. Those things aren’t ever going to happen. I’m just going to have to accept my fate as someone who never attend the Academy Awards.
I think eating cheese will help me get over this disappointment.