Okay, people. In March, we found ourselves deep in the throngs of some sort of basketball tournament that I should probably know more about but don’t, so I thought what better way to show my support for gorgeous, tall and athletic boyfriend-material than to do my own bracket of something I know more about: Disney.
And thus, I bring to you:
The Disney Prince Playoff Bracket
First, the rules:
1) This completely subjective and judgmental tournament is based purely on my many years watching Disney movies and thus, me basically considering myself an expert on the topic. Yes, some people are experts on Politics. Others, on Financial Systems. Me, on Disney animated cartoons.
2) What makes a Prince? Well, to abide by the Disney “standards”, a Prince is considered a Prince if he is matched with one of their ten Princesses. For real, those are the rules. But I don’t like those rules, so I’m making my own. A prince is a prince if I say so.
3) Maybe you don’t agree. You don’t have to agree. I’m not asking you to agree. Agreement with me isn’t mandatory, it just makes me want to invite you to my karaoke birthday party in April in NYC-details-to-follow-if-you-agree-with-me-just-kidding. Sort of. No, for real, only kind of.
Prince Philip vs. The Beast
It’s not even really a fair battle. Let’s be honest, sure Prince Philip is a wishy-washy, manipulative boyfriend, and sure he’d never have been able to rescue Princess Aurora without the
Winged Golden Girls Fairies helping him out, but at least he doesn’t keep his girlfriend locked up in a dungeon. Beast, dude, you’re totally cute and I get that you’re misunderstood but you seriously have to work on that anger problem.
Aladdin vs. Hercules
Okay, granted Aladdin stole to survive due to an imbalanced class system but regardless, it’s going to be super-hard to convince your parents that a wanted fugitive is good boyfriend material. Believe me, they won’t care about his magic carpet. Hercules for the win. That contest was over before it started.
Captain John Smith vs. Prince Eric
Now, as you all know, I love me some Ariel, but let’s get real. That girl’s choice in men is a bit “meh”. Granted, he was concussed, but Prince Eric is, by a landslide, the most superficial prince in the pack. Sure, Captain John Smith initially may have been a bit of a jerk – but at least he respected his girlfriend for who she was, not what he wanted her to be. Ahem, Prince Eric. Ahem.
Captain Li Shang vs. Simba The Lion
My friend Julia convinced me that Simba should be considered in the Prince-off. It took a lot of convincing and at least one glass of pinot grigio, but Simba, be happy Julia had your back because boy, you won this round. Though Li Shang eventually admitted Mulan was da bomb, his whole macho attitude early on basically set up his potential boyfriend test failure. …Plus, Simba married his friend-zoned girl. *bonus points to Simba*
Hercules vs. Prince Philip
On one hand, we’ve got a Greek God who goes the distance and travels to the depths of the earth to fight for justice, equality and his true love. On the other hand we’ve got a prince who only made it through to this round because his competition manifested his anger in the form of shouting and oppressive, abusive behavior. Just like in basketball, sometimes you find yourself out of your league. Sorry, Prince Philip. This round’s going to Herc.
Captain John Smith vs. Simba The Lion
This was a tough one. In the Disney version, John Smith forsakes just about everything to be with Pocahontas. He basically quits his job and relocates across the world just so they can be together. That’s pretty awesome potential boyfriend material. No LDRs for this couple. And then there’s Simba. An outcast who struggled to find himself and his place in society. A Prince who stepped up to the plate when it was time to defend the pride he loved against his really bitter uncle. A devoted lion who married his childhood sweetheart. Beyond him risking life and limb (and tail) for his girlfriend, he fought for what he believed in. Plus, you know he loved to cuddle.
After much deliberation, I’ve decided to crown Simba aka The Lion King aka Once-A-Prince Simba the winner of The Disney Prince-Off.
Okay, so he’s a lion. But he’s got great hair, he’s smart, devoted, he’s absolutely adorable, makes Nala laugh, is great dad-material, has awesome friends and he’s a rockstar singer who can serenade his girlfriend with Can You Feel The Love Tonight?
Sure, sure, he’s technically a Lion King, but like I said…
A prince is a prince if I say so.