The Dirty Thirty: I'm Freaking Out!

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This is my anxiety. Life. It’s intimidating. And I always found comfort thinking that I could put things off until they mattered. But they matter now. I have had a full time writing job for the last year, and it ends in two weeks. And the only person who can make sure the next thing I do is great, is me. So I woke up at three in the morning thinking I was dying, because I’m freaking out that I wont live up to my potential. I think that is really the key. What is YOUR potential? We are all capable of different things. We all have different degrees of ambition. I don’t dream about running the world. I don’t dream of being famous. I don’t dream of being a movie star. I dream about doing something, doing it well, and making a living at it while maintaining a reputation as someone people like. That’s it. That is my idea of success. And I spent a lot of time in my twenties looking for distractions to make sure I don’t get it. Staying in a job I didn’t care about, sleeping in, going out, boyfriends, giving up, boyfriends, taking the easy road, boyfriends…

Anxiety is a delayed affect. You do something that is easier in the immediate and you feel great. But then this little nagging feeling keeps creeping up on you. It’s like, “Hi, I know you don’t want to deal with me right now, but I just wanted you to know I’m here and I’m not going anywhere and whenever you’re ready we can do this. And if you take too long I will literally bring you to your knees.” And so that shit brought me to my damn knees.

Having the free pass early on is such a handicap. There is no real free pass. When you feel fine failing a test in school, it sets a pattern in your mind that it’s okay to fail. When you sleep the day away as a teenager it teaches you how to procrastinate. When you underperform at a job, it makes you think you don’t have to have respect for the opportunity you’ve been given. They aren’t free passes, they’re set backs. They are lessons you will have to UN-learn if you want to be a high functioning person some day. I know I want to be one. I mean, I already am one, and I want to continue being one.

But it’s all just a lot of pressure. I’m pretty sure it’s the good kind of pressure. The kind of pressure that makes you step it up. Nudges you in the right direction. And then sometimes it’s the kind that attacks you in the middle of the night and makes you want to die. I’m going to push through and not let it stop me.

Then again, I could also just marry rich. I haven’t decided yet.

Featured image via ClubPlanet

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