The Diary of a Woman Watching Bridget Jones's Diary Meghan O'Keefe

Dear Diary,

Today is just another April day in my 27th year of being a woman except for one immense difference: today is the day I’ve chosen to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary on DVD.

Diary, I have some confessions about this movie, and since you’re a diary, I think you should hear them. I mean, that’s what diaries are for, right? Confessing your inner most thoughts and feelings and wasting time?

My first confession is about Colin Firth as Mark Darcy.

So, when we first see Colin Firth, we see only his back. Colin Firth’s back is lovely. Then, as the music swells, Colin Firth turns and we see his face. Colin Firth’s face is lovely. Then as the camera pans down, we see Colin Firth’s reindeer jumper. Now, Diary, I know we’re not supposed to think Colin Firth’s reindeer jumper is lovely, but I do! I think reindeer jumpers are lovely and endearing and I would marry any man with the courage to wear one in public.

There, I’ve said that. The reason that I like Mark Darcy isn’t because he’s ridiculously handsome, super posh and likes Bridget just as she is. Nor do I like Mark Darcy because I’m a Jane Austen fanatic and he’s literally the modern Mr. Darcy. The truth is I like Mark Darcy because he will actually wear a reindeer jumper in public.

My second confession is about Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones.

When I first saw this, I thought Renee Zellweger had gained enough weight to look chubby. I was a teenager who was obsessed with flat stomachs because I didn’t know anything about life yet. I thought that how happy, pretty and successful a woman could be was based around her weight, which is completely untrue. How happy, pretty and successful a woman can be is based purely on her confidence and initiative. I mean, Bridget pretty much discovers that for herself, but Diary, that is not the point I am trying to make.

The point I’m trying to make is that now I look at Renee Zelweger as Bridget Jones and she’s not fat at all. She’s not even chubby! She’s not even slightly overweight. She’s totally thin! She’s just not toned!

Diary, I am very upset to discover that Hollywood played a trick on teenaged me. They asked Renee Zellweger to eat a few candy bars and to stop going to pilates for a few weeks, and then they tried to pawn her off on us as some grotesque creature excavated from the bottom of the sea. Again, Diary, I realize that much of Bridget’s unhappiness comes from her inability to see herself for how awesome she is, but still… she doesn’t need to lose any weight! Can she stop acting like she does? Like, even if she did weigh more or less, her happiness, beauty and self-worth wouldn’t be affected, so can it stop even being a deal?

That said, Diary, I can see how Bridget’s lack of self-awareness is something that is common among women, so I shouldn’t complain about it because it exists in a movie. I just wish I hadn’t seen Bridget tape her head onto an anorexic model’s body. People in general should only tape their heads onto their own bodies. Otherwise, their spinal cord is in trouble. That’s all.

Moving on…

The third thing I want to talk about, Diary, is how Bridget changes jobs from editorial assistant to television news anchor.  How did she do that without any internships in television on her resume? Either this story was written before the recession or this story is a complete work of fiction. Oh, wait, it’s both.

The fourth thing I want to talk about is how Bridget should have used something to tie her head scarf down in the scene where her head scarf flies off.  She didn’t even tie it! You need to tie it! How does Bridget live in a world wear she can get a television job without experience, but somehow doesn’t know that head scarfs need to be tied onto your head? Life’s so unfair.

The fifth thing that I need to talk about is how I can’t take Bridget’s mother’s infidelity seriously because it’s obvious that the orange man she leaves the lovely Jim Broadbent for is not into women. He’s only into self-tanner.

The sixth thing I want to discuss I’m worried I’m turning into Bridget’s peripheral friend, Shazza. I use the f-word a lot. It’s slowly turning into my solution to every problem. If this continues into my thirties, I might devolve as a human being into a one-dimensional character without a storyline to her life who only exists to say the f-word to her friends.

Diary, there’s more…

Why is Hugh Grant’s hair greasy, yet alluring? I think Tarts and Vicar parties sound like fun. I want to ask Salman Rushdie where the toilets are at a party. I need to figure out if it’s possible for dogs to track the smell of dead spinsters, because the idea of being eaten by dogs in one’s apartment seems overly dramatic. However, if it’s a thing, I need to be prepared. I don’t think I would want to be friends with smug married couples. What is Natasha’s deal?!?!?

And finally, Diary, my darkest confession about Bridget Jones Diary on DVD is that when I was a teenager I used to watch all of the special features on a loop. Specifically, I watched Shelby Lynne’s music video for ‘The Killin’ Kind‘ on a loop. Okay, I would watch it like twelve times in a row. No one knows this about me, but you, Diary. Please don’t judge me. It’s an underrated song from an underrated artist.

 

Featured image via EW.com

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  1. Dear Diary, Meghan O’Keefe is making my cubicle life bearable again. Her writing is too cute and I think she is my bff in my mind where the stories are real. The creepy part is that she asks EXACTLY the same questions as me so she must be effing awesome. :-)

  2. Love your articles! Just FYI, the link to your tumblr doesn’t seem to be working…

  3. I recently watched this again (as in about two days ago) and I couldn’t believe how little plot there was…about ten minutes from the end I was all “Oh! It’s almost over? Nothing has happened yet (except the second most amazing fight scene in the history of film…the first being in Bridget Jones 2).”

    I also realized how much I dislike Bridget…she is an over the top fictional character and I just cant see anyone relating to her…I am a weirdo… definitely not normal by society’s current standards and I thought she was a depressing spaz who whines too much, and is her own worst enemy.

    Regarding the weight gain…I agree body wise that she really is not fat, she’s average…although I guess comparing the Bridget body to Renee’s “regular” body she actually is MUCH bigger. The most obvious weight gain though, is on her face…she looks bloated and UNHEALTHY…it was freaking me out…it almost looked like plastic surgery gone wrong, but I assume it was actually from trying to gain a bunch of weight in a relatively small frame of time.

    Also, and I know this is an old issue…but why did they insist on putting an American actress (from TEXAS) in a movie set in Britain and starring two of the world’s favourite BRITISH actors???

    I dont know…maybe I just dislike Renee…

  4. And I was also extremely disappointed when I realized Renee Zelweger as Bridget Jones wasn’t actually chubby!

  5. I want Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver to start fighting over me to the sound of “It’s raining men” and end up smashing a lovely Greek restaurant’s window.

  6. Bridget Jones Diary is my most favorite movie EVER. Thanks for covering it. After watching it on repeat all day long almost EVERY Sunday, I made a promise to myself that I would marry someone like Mark Darcy. Someone who will accept me, just as I am. Anywho, I’m 34 now, a spinster, if you will…but I know my Mark Darcy is out there somewhere. But sometimes I really do feel like “I’m gonna die fat and alone…and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs.”

  7. So funny, made my morning! Love it.

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