The Diary of a Woman Watching Bridget Jones's Diary

Dear Diary,

Today is just another April day in my 27th year of being a woman except for one immense difference: today is the day I’ve chosen to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary on DVD.

Diary, I have some confessions about this movie, and since you’re a diary, I think you should hear them. I mean, that’s what diaries are for, right? Confessing your inner most thoughts and feelings and wasting time?

My first confession is about Colin Firth as Mark Darcy.

So, when we first see Colin Firth, we see only his back. Colin Firth’s back is lovely. Then, as the music swells, Colin Firth turns and we see his face. Colin Firth’s face is lovely. Then as the camera pans down, we see Colin Firth’s reindeer jumper. Now, Diary, I know we’re not supposed to think Colin Firth’s reindeer jumper is lovely, but I do! I think reindeer jumpers are lovely and endearing and I would marry any man with the courage to wear one in public.

There, I’ve said that. The reason that I like Mark Darcy isn’t because he’s ridiculously handsome, super posh and likes Bridget just as she is. Nor do I like Mark Darcy because I’m a Jane Austen fanatic and he’s literally the modern Mr. Darcy. The truth is I like Mark Darcy because he will actually wear a reindeer jumper in public.

My second confession is about Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones.

When I first saw this, I thought Renee Zellweger had gained enough weight to look chubby. I was a teenager who was obsessed with flat stomachs because I didn’t know anything about life yet. I thought that how happy, pretty and successful a woman could be was based around her weight, which is completely untrue. How happy, pretty and successful a woman can be is based purely on her confidence and initiative. I mean, Bridget pretty much discovers that for herself, but Diary, that is not the point I am trying to make.

The point I’m trying to make is that now I look at Renee Zelweger as Bridget Jones and she’s not fat at all. She’s not even chubby! She’s not even slightly overweight. She’s totally thin! She’s just not toned!

Diary, I am very upset to discover that Hollywood played a trick on teenaged me. They asked Renee Zellweger to eat a few candy bars and to stop going to pilates for a few weeks, and then they tried to pawn her off on us as some grotesque creature excavated from the bottom of the sea. Again, Diary, I realize that much of Bridget’s unhappiness comes from her inability to see herself for how awesome she is, but still… she doesn’t need to lose any weight! Can she stop acting like she does? Like, even if she did weigh more or less, her happiness, beauty and self-worth wouldn’t be affected, so can it stop even being a deal?

That said, Diary, I can see how Bridget’s lack of self-awareness is something that is common among women, so I shouldn’t complain about it because it exists in a movie. I just wish I hadn’t seen Bridget tape her head onto an anorexic model’s body. People in general should only tape their heads onto their own bodies. Otherwise, their spinal cord is in trouble. That’s all.

Moving on…

The third thing I want to talk about, Diary, is how Bridget changes jobs from editorial assistant to television news anchor.  How did she do that without any internships in television on her resume? Either this story was written before the recession or this story is a complete work of fiction. Oh, wait, it’s both.

The fourth thing I want to talk about is how Bridget should have used something to tie her head scarf down in the scene where her head scarf flies off.  She didn’t even tie it! You need to tie it! How does Bridget live in a world wear she can get a television job without experience, but somehow doesn’t know that head scarfs need to be tied onto your head? Life’s so unfair.

The fifth thing that I need to talk about is how I can’t take Bridget’s mother’s infidelity seriously because it’s obvious that the orange man she leaves the lovely Jim Broadbent for is not into women. He’s only into self-tanner.

The sixth thing I want to discuss I’m worried I’m turning into Bridget’s peripheral friend, Shazza. I use the f-word a lot. It’s slowly turning into my solution to every problem. If this continues into my thirties, I might devolve as a human being into a one-dimensional character without a storyline to her life who only exists to say the f-word to her friends.

Diary, there’s more…

Why is Hugh Grant’s hair greasy, yet alluring? I think Tarts and Vicar parties sound like fun. I want to ask Salman Rushdie where the toilets are at a party. I need to figure out if it’s possible for dogs to track the smell of dead spinsters, because the idea of being eaten by dogs in one’s apartment seems overly dramatic. However, if it’s a thing, I need to be prepared. I don’t think I would want to be friends with smug married couples. What is Natasha’s deal?!?!?

And finally, Diary, my darkest confession about Bridget Jones Diary on DVD is that when I was a teenager I used to watch all of the special features on a loop. Specifically, I watched Shelby Lynne’s music video for ‘The Killin’ Kind‘ on a loop. Okay, I would watch it like twelve times in a row. No one knows this about me, but you, Diary. Please don’t judge me. It’s an underrated song from an underrated artist.


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