My Mom loves improv, stand-up and Parks & Rec, but she is not a comedian. Still, at home she says some pretty funny stuff, but no one ever hears except me and our dog. So I’m taking this post and telling you some of the funniest things I’ve heard her say.
Me: “Mom, did you act when you were my age?”
Mom: “Of course not! I had no life, I lived in Queens!”
After the HelloGiggles show (What? You didn’t see it? Then watch it here!) , I asked my mom this question out of curiosity and this is the answer she gave me. I can’t even imagine my Mom having a hum-drum life. EVER. Even in the olden days when she was a tween.
“What is this idiot doing?”
This is something my Mom tends to say a lot, and it applies to many situations: someone trying to parallel park but doing it badly, someone blocking the aisle at the supermarket, someone’s kid is running in circles around my Mom. It’s at the point where I know my Mom is observing an absurd situation and is thinking it, and I’ll say out loud, just to crack her up, “What is this idiot doing?” It kills me every time she says it.
“Ugh, why is this country music that is playing? It’s hurting my ears!”
My Mom said this on the other night. I was channel surfing, and then I got a text message so I stopped paying attention to the TV set. All of a sudden, we heard this sound. It was the country music channel and my Mom looked up from the book she was reading, The Family Fang, and that was her reaction. I immediately posted it on my blog.
“I hate kids. Except for you Ruby. And a few of your friends.”
Yep. I have the Mom that doesn’t like kids. Mostly, it’s kids that are loud; kids that don’t have manners; kids that are mean/rude to their parents/babysitters/people; kids that don’t put their plates in the kitchen after they finish eating at the dining room table; kids who don’t know what feminism is; kids who listen to music my Mom doesn’t like; kids who wake my Mom up. She’s a little picky like that.
“Why didn’t you punch her in the box?”
Every since kindergarten, when a girl is mean to me, my Mom always says this. Now to be clear, my Mom is totally non-violent. And so am I. Which is why whenever she says this, we both giggle non-stop.
“I’m gonna go to yoga today.”
Yeah, right Mom. Right after you run that marathon. JK! JK! JK!
“We have the best Christmas tree ever!”
Well, it depends on what your definition of “best” is. The Christmas tree we have is the one my babysitter Kathryn gave me when I was in second grade: a plastic, collapsible bright pink 2 foot tall tree. Still, it’s something I will always remember, because my Mom really likes it. I mean, she decorates it!
“Do you need help with your math homework tonight?”
My Mom is super-talented at a lot of things, but math is definitely not her thing. In fact, in elementary school, when we were learning how to multiply using the partial products method and the lattice method.
I had to call my friend’s Mom every night for help with the math homework because my own Mom kept giving me the wrong answers.
“You are my favorite child.”
That’s funny, Mom, because I am your ONLY child.
“Is that a shark?”
My Mom is obsessed with shark attacks. So if we’re by a pool or a pond or a lake and she sees something moving in the water, she’ll immediately say something about a shark. Usually, it’s a frog or a tadpole or a kid she sees moving in the water. Unless it’s the ocean. That’s a whole other hilarious drama.
“Did you brush your teeth?”
Okay, I guess that’s not a crazy-Mom thing. That’s a Mom who knows brushing my teeth is not my personal priority in the morning.
I have so much fun with my Mom. She’s just goofy and silly and some kind of wonderful. And she makes me laugh all the time. She doesn’t even realize it. Maybe now she will.
Does your Mom say crazyfunny things? Like what? I want to hear about them. LMK here, or holla at me on my twitter/rubykarp or my facebook page.
See you next week!