Have you ever found yourself wondering what the cast of Doug is up to now? Do questions like, “Is Doug still friends with Skeeter?” or “Does Doug still love Patti?” or “Has Doug finally stopped dressing up like Quailman?” haunt you on a daily basis? Well, lucky for you, I’ve caught up with some of your favorite members of Bluffington and I can finally put your mind at ease.
Doug Funnie and Patti Mayonnaise:
That’s right, they got married! It was a big wedding with all of Bluffington. Porkchop was the ring bearer. It was adorable. Soon after, Doug published his “Adventures of Quailman Comic” and Patti became a professional beetball player. After two years of playing professionally, however, she decided it was time to hang up her gloves and beetbball and become a mother. Patti and Doug had two children together, a boy named Smash, after Doug’s spy alter ego, Smash Adams, and a girl named Jane. Patti, being an independent woman refused to change her last name so unfortunately their children inherited the hyphenated last name of Funnie-Mayonnaise. Although they seem like the perfect couple, Doug and Patti do have their arguments, their most recurring one being Doug’s incessant journaling. It’s not so much the fact that he journals that bothers her, it’s more the way in which he does it, beginning every writing session with “Dear Journal. Hi it’s me, Doug.” and detailing every moment of his mundane existence. It’s exhausting. They are currently in couples’ therapy. But, you can rest assured everything will be okay. After all, Doug did write a pretty amazing song for her back in the day, so he clearly knows how to charm.
Porkchop was thrilled when he discovered the love of his life, a poodle named Delilah, who had just ran away from her owners who lived in the next town over. Not only was Porkchop in love, but he knew it was his chance to move away from Doug, who, Porkchop felt, had always been too dependent, needy and free with his imagination. Unfortunately, Doug insisted on building the happy couple an igloo right next to his and Patti’s house. Much to Porkchop’s chagrin, Doug goes there frequently to check on him, write in his journal and escape the obligations of adulthood by retreating into his imagination.
She ran away from the Funnie family as soon as she could. Everyone expected it, so I can’t say people were too upset. Plus, Judy kind of annoyed everyone with her constant quoting of Shakespeare, her love of drama and her general unpleasantness. She did surprise people, however, when she got the lead role in Les Miserables on Broadway. Unfortunately her bossiness/craziness didn’t mesh well with the director and she was fired soon after booking the role. With no job prospects, Judy hit up Occupy Wall Street, where she was arrested. She is currently in jail. But hey, she’s doing really well behind bars. She’s putting on a one-woman show in the jail’s theater and she also found love in the form of an inmate named Rocky Horror.
Mosquito “Skeeter” Valentine:
Unfortunately, things didn’t turn out too well for Skeeter. You know those annoying noises he was always making? Well, they really got in the way of him keeping a full time job. He studied economics at Bluffington University and showed a lot of promise, graduating first in his class. He got a job at Goldman Sachs but was quickly fired after his constant use of the phrase “Honk-Honk” whenever the DOW was down. He moved home and is currently living with his parents.
He went to Ohio State, played football and had the time of his life. He hoped to turn pro, like his brother Cliff, but unfortunately, this did not happen for Chalky. So he returned home and, like a lot of college graduates, was unsure of his future. With so many amazing qualities – his good looks, athleticism and genuine kindness – the world seemed open to Chalky and it was up to him what he wanted to do with it. At first he lost himself in the party scene of Bluffington. Frequenting the popular nightclub “Honky Burger After Dark”. After a year of constant partying, Chalky realized he had a drinking problem. He had hit rock bottom, but he was finally able to take a clear look at himself. He realized he drank to suppress any feelings of jealousy he had towards his brother, Cliff, as well as to ignore the disapproval and pressure put on him by his father. Chalky got clean, but he felt the only way to stay sober and truly find himself was to move away from his father. Chalky is currently on a spiritual retreat in New Mexico. He is still extremely attractive.
Believe it or not, Roger Klotz became a fashion designer. His too cool for school bully style sparked a lot of interest on a spur of the moment trip to New York City. It turns out, he had been making his leather jackets and leather vests for years. He created his own line of leather clothing that debuted at New York’s Fashion Week in Spring 2011. It caught the eye of Ed Hardy and the two are currently creating a line of hideously ornate leather jackets, vests, hats and pants. Roger still continues to bully – his target now is Ed Hardy. He sometimes emails Doug threatening letters. So they still keep in touch!
Beebe lost all of her money in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi Scheme in 2008, since her dad had invested most of his money with Bernie Madoff. At first she was devastated. She had to sell everything she owned – her clothing, home and even the town of Bluffington. Beebe literally had nothing, until she came upon an epiphany. Did she really need any of those expensive objects? What had those things ever gotten her? Beebe realized her greediness caused her to be alone. It was then that she decided to start the non-profit “Don’t Bluff Me”, a program geared to help battered women back on their feet after emotional and or physical abuse.
Mr. Bud Dink:
His constant buying of gadgets and his extremely annoying lisp took a toll on his wife, Tippy Dink, who had become the mayor of Bluffington. She grew tired of his antics and had to end the marriage. However, she did not do so quietly. Tippy complained about Bud to the whole town. Soon, no one would talk to him and he was essentially exiled from Bluffington. His banishment, however, was the best thing that could have happened to him. With very little money to his name, living in a small, dingy bachelor pad in Bloatsburg, Mr. Dink had hit rock bottom. In a moment of desperation and loneliness, Mr. Dink decided to invest all his money in a company called, “Silly Bandz.” He felt they were like him, silly and seemingly useless. He also figured he had nothing to lose. Needless to say, he’s made a fortune, and he couldn’t be happier.
I am proud to say that after 16 years apart The Beets are finally together for their long awaited, “We Need Mo’ Allowance” Reunion Tour.