Even if you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day can be kind of silly, so we here at Broke Girl’s Guide suggest you just embrace the stupidity of it all and have fun. Or let your guy or girl take you to a fancy French restaurant and then make sweet love to you on silk sheets covered in rose petal’s to George Michael’s “Careless Whisper”; we really don’t care.
Send your lover, or your enemy, a lovely bouquet of bacon-scented roses. You can purchase a single bacon-y rose, or a dozen. But is there really a limit one can put on synthetic roses that smell like bacon? And do we want to know what that limit is?
Maybe you’re looking to spend the evening watching a romantic comedy. The Room by Tommy Wiseau, is not that movie. It’s even better. If you’re still unfamiliar with this cult classic, we can’t think of a better time to watch it. If you like movies so bad that they’re good but so good that they’re bad but so bad that they’re brilliant, this is the film for you. Words cannot express how horrible and how horribly wonderful this movie is. Watch a group of men play football in tuxedos — for no reason. Watch a guy tell an anecdote about leaving his underwear in someone else’s apartment — for no reason. Watch a character show up out of nowhere near the end of the movie who suddenly plays a big role — for no reason. Nothing happens in this movie for any reason at all. And there’s also the most awkward cringe-worthy sex scene in the entire history of film. Why are you not watching this yet?
There are more fun things you can do at home on Valentine’s Day. Why not get into a bidding war on Ebay for the stupidest romantic gift? Get together with your friends or lover or housepet and see who can find the worst gift for the lowest amount of money. Pro tip: check out their “Everything Else” category and then within that category, “Weird.” Yes, there is a Weird section, THANK GOD. For example, you can bid on this potato shaped like a heart. And the opening bid is ONLY $5.00! AND you can expedite shipping! You lose money NOT buying this! (Note: this is false.)
And of course, you’re going to want to end the evening with a champagne toast out of crystal glasses. Just kidding, it’s Capri Sun out of red Solo cups for you, champ! But not just any Solo cups. These Red Wine Solo Cups.
Drink them in front of a roaring fire, one that you can have right on your computer screen, and listen to the smooth, mostly romantic mix our friend Apocalypstick made of the greatest and cheesiest love songs ever. And yes, “Careless Whisper” is on there. AN ORCHESTRAL VERSION!
By now the timing should be juuuuust right to treat your special someone to a massage. If your special someone is an opossum. This woman’s YouTube tutorial will show you how to give a “proper” opossum massage. Not like those tacky un-proper ones.
Hey, who wants a nice romantic bubble bath? Not you! What you want is bath slime. Simply “add the magical powders to the bath and watch it coagulate into something horrific, just like you like it.” It’s described as “creepy yet cleansing,” which will go nicely with your opossum massage. (Note: it’s currently sold out. Seriously.)
See? No matter who you’re with or not with, you can still have great stupid fun Valentine’s Day. Here’s to you, champ!
written for Broke Girl’s Guide by Almie Rose of Apocalypstick