The Broke Girl's Guide to Breaking Up

Perhaps you guys have heard that saying about breakups: “It will take half the time you were dating a guy to completely and totally get over him.” Ummmm…WHAT?! So basically, if we’re in a relationship for 2 years, it will take us an entire year to get over our guys and get on with our lives?? This seems excessive. We are smart, funny and capable ladies. We even understand how the stock market works and how to pull off bright red lipstick! C’mon now. We here at Broke Girl’s Guide can definitely come up with a more efficient breakup-recovery method than what’s currently on offer. What’s more, our easy 10-day rebound plan doesn’t even necessitate pricey spa treatments or exotic vacations, which means you don’t have to break your bank just because he broke your heart.

Day One: Wallow your freaking heart out.

So, this is the day after the breakup. Times are tough. Maybe you fell asleep weeping over old pictures of you and your ex on Facebook (or deleting your ill-conceived relationship page). Maybe you called him 25 times and hung up. Maybe you ate cookie dough in bed while watching The Notebook and listening to Damien Rice or Jeff Buckley or David Gray. No worries, today is your day to wallow/chill/be sad/be emotional/cry. Just get it all out of your system. Eat ice cream. Wear sweatpants. Watch rom-coms or horror movies or whatever floats your sad little boat. Print out a picture of your ex and throw darts at it. Go crazy. If you’re 21 or older, drink until you pass out.

Ice Cream: under $5; Netflix Streaming: $7.99; Fancy Dartboard (optional), $12.99

Day Two: Do damage control

Delete your texting history. There’s nothing worse than discovering an old missive like “I’d be lost without you, sugar plum.” (Side note: if your ex called you “sugar plum,” I’m glad you guys broke up.) Deleting your text history will prevent you from taking a rash trip down memory lane. You may even want to delete his phone number, if you haven’t yet managed to memorize it. The last thing you want is to be a sad-drunk-texter. Trust us.  No one wants to be her.

If you’re “in a relationship” on Facebook, change it, obviously (but don’t let the update post to your stream, as nothing’s worse than a million half-strangers commenting on your private misery). Spread the word about your breakup quietly to your BFFs so they won’t accidentally comment “awwwwww” on one of your recent pics with your ex or email you both inviting you to something fun you would die to do with him.

Then, buy a great concealer to cover up puffy eyes and/or breakup-induced stress acne.

History revision: $0; Puffy-eye revision: Erase Paste, $26, or e.l.f. Studio Concealer, $3

Day Three: Cleanse

Destroy and discard old photographs. Delete the playlist that he made you from your computer. Put his belongings in a box and donate them to charity or give them to your little bro (or set them on fire…we won’t judge).

Fire: free;  Charity donation: karma credit

Day Four: Hang out with your friends

Call up your gal pals for a good old-fashioned chill sesh. Drink virgin margaritas and sing along to The Lion King soundtrack. Play truth or dare (IT’S FUN, OKAY GUYS?!). Flip through magazines. Bake some sugary sh*t. Do all the girly stuff that you didn’t get to do when you were in a freaking relationship and couldn’t talk about Drew Barrymore’s wedding.

The Lion King soundtrack: $0.93; Cookie Dough: under $5; Us Weekly: $3.99

Day Five: Listen to “Ridin’ Solo” on repeat. Preferably in a convertible with the top down and all your BFFs in the back singing along.

Nothing more needs to be said about this. Just do it.

“Ridin’ Solo”: $1.29 on iTunes; Imaginary convertible: free

Day Six: Throw a kickass breakup celebration

This party can manifest itself in a number of ways. Laser tag is a great option, because who doesn’t love 30 minutes of aggression release? Have some people over to your house and dance to excessively loud music. Go to a faaancy restaurant (using Blackboard Eats or BloomSpot or another restaurant discount site found here) and order yummy things and make fake toasts. These are just some suggestions. Be creative, dudes. The world is your breakup oyster.

Laser tag: under $10/person; Fancy dinner: price varies; Dance party: free

Day Seven: Find a cool new obsession

Obviously, the options are endless: the Spice Girls movie, The Man Repeller’s blog, chocolate, coin collecting, hilarious YouTube clips, breakfast sandwiches, embellished sweatshirts, Pinterest, bubble wrap, politics, poetry, photography, iced coffee, cute babies.… It’s really up to you. Personally, we are into all of the above.

New obsession: price may vary

Day Seven: Flirt

Flirting is like Nyquil: a really effective, occasionally weird-tasting medicine that will quite rapidly cure you of your ills like nothing else truly can. You have the choice of engaging in subtle flirtation (witty banter, accidental touching, batting of eyelashes, etc.) or going full throttle and shaking what your mama gave you (cat-calling, gyrating dance moves, winking, low-cut shirts, etc.). We are big fans of flirting—it’s pretty much always a good tactic for taking your mind off of things and boosting yo’ self-esteem, ladiez!

Leading on guys you don’t actually like: price may vary

Day Eight: DFMO

If you are unfamiliar with this particular acronym, get familiar with it. DFMO: Dance Floor Make Out. It’s pronounced Diff-Mo, btw. All the cool kids are saying it and doing it. DFMOs are the best, and I will tell you why. First of all, making out is fun. Locking lips with another person does neat scientific stuff like lowering the stress hormone cortisol, so that’s a huge plus. Also, it’s completely non-committal. It is casual and short and exciting and mysterious because it’s probably with a STRANGER (oooooh), though you can also make it happen with someone you know like a crush-worthy male amigo or a long-lost lover from 5th grade. Whichever way you like it, just get out on the dance floor and make out on the dance floor. With Ke$ha blasting in your ears and a dude’s delicious slobber (ew, we just grossed ourselves out) all over your mouth, you’ll know that all is right in the world—at least for the moment.

Swapping spit with strangers: technically free, but beware of future health expenses

Day Nine: Attend an aggressive exercise class like kickboxing

It’s day nine, so no more of that pity nonsense. Get yourself to a kickass kickboxing class—or maybe a hardcore spinning class. Or, try online workouts through YouTube channels like StyleMeFit or YogaGlo. Sweat out all that negativity, kids! This is not about losing weight or being hotter (total side bonus though, as looking good is the best revenge…or was it being happy…whatever). This is about building muscle and beating up your ex. JK, this is REALLY about having a good time and getting your blood pumping and being healthy and buying a new workout top and all that jazz.

Hot bod: price may vary, but StyleMeFit workouts are free; Workout top: $13.48

Day ten: Do and eat all the stuff he HATED

Congrats, you’ve made it to day ten. As a reward, and as a starting point in your new lifestyle, go out and do/eat/say all the stuff your ex absolutely hated. A girl we know dated a guy who had a strong aversion to ketchup. He would make her brush her teeth after consuming ketchup in any amount. Freak. Anyway, when they broke up, girlfriend ate a lot of ketchup. Ketchup is pretty delicious, so this newfound ketchup-eating freedom was somewhat of a light at the end of the tunnel of breakup darkness for her—it’s the small things. Go forth and do the same.

And then post about it on FB. After all, you’re over it, but not so over it that you don’t care about whether or not he knows you’re over it.

Ketchup: under $5; Showing him just how over him you are: free; Actually being over him: priceless

written by Harling Ross

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