The Broke Girl's Guide to Befriending Mindy Kaling

You know the feeling…every time a certain somebody enters your radar, your heart starts to pound a mile a minute, your feet feel the itch to dance to old Destiny’s Child songs and your face involuntarily emits one of those embarrassing snort-giggles.

Yep. You’ve got a crush.

We here at Broke Girl’s Guide are currently suffering from this affliction, and the object of our (probably unwanted) affection is someone you may have heard of: Mindy Kaling. We’ve had a little thing for her for some years now, but ever since The Mindy Project took to the airwaves (TV waves?), our harmless crush has evolved into a slightly scary infatuation. The truth is, we want to be her best friend. Like, bad. So, we’ve devised a little 5-step plan for making this happen, and we’re going to share it with you only because we think the attention might help make it happen. So… comment, like, share, heart, tweet, squeak, peep, burp…whatever it is you can do to help the cause and get Mindy to befriend us. After all, there’s nothing more sad than *unrequited (platonic) love.

1. Read her book (again, and again, and again) — Sure, we’ve already read it somewhere around 100 times (hey boss, bet you thought we were actually working — hah!), but it’s a simple fact that a good girlfriend knows all of her bestie’s best-kept (or publicly-published) secrets.

2. Knit her a Christmas stocking — We don’t know how to knit, but we’re sure we can learn. Mindy reportedly loves Christmas so much that The Mindy Project is doing TWO Christmas episodes this season, so we figure an early Christmas gift can’t hurt our efforts. We are even willing to hand-deliver it while wearing the bunny suit from A Christmas Story and singing “Silent Night.” She would love that, right…?

3. Help her steal stuff: Mindy’s house in West Hollywood (hey Mindy! we live in WeHo, too!) is allegedly chock-full of stolen props from The Office. We used to work in the movie business and could probably get all kinds of crazy access to stuff she wants stolen on her behalf.  Plus, since we’re not famous, it should be easy for us to slip behind the scenes unnoticed and make all her klepto dreams come true.

4. Build her a signature smoothie: Mindy has confessed that, like so many comedians before her, the key to maintaining energy throughout her incredibly grueling workweek is…her breakfast smoothie (not what you thought we were going to say, right?). So, while a smoothie addiction might not get her front page tabloid placement, it will give us a serious in on becoming her favorite person in the world. We make a mean smoothie, and since she doesn’t seem to like hers, we’ve taken the liberty of creating one she’ll love (as much as she’ll one day love us, obviously).

Mindy’s Writer’s Room Smoothie
(Note: we stole this from Jamba Juice and then gave it a few actual health benefits)

  • 12 oz. lemonade
  • 1 scoop each raspberry, orange, lime and pineapple sherbert
  • 2 scoops of frozen blueberries
  • 2 scoops of crushed ice
  • 1 tbsp chia seed
  • 2 cups baby spinach
  • 1 scoop protein powder

Blend until desired consistency.

5. Hone our acting skills: So, we don’t actually have any acting skills, per se, and in truth would rather die a slow painful death than ever appear on camera (stage fright!). However, we would make an exception for our nearest and dearest friend Mindy, who seems to love inviting her hilarious BFFs (that’ll be us!) to guest-star on her show.

And there you have it — the Broke Girl’s Guide to getting Mindy Kaling to listen to our sad dating stories, assure us we haven’t gained any weight, and (ideally) introduce us to other celebs like Ryan Gosling and… Ryan Gosling. Help us earn her love and we’ll repay you with incessant humblebrag tweeting like “Yet another Met Gala with bestie @MindyKaling — yawn!” Can’t wait!

*Except, unrequited non-platonic love. And drowned kittens.

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