The Boyfriend Card

Last night, I did something I thought I’d never do. I’ve always heard stories about girls who did this and about guys who had it done to them, and I never saw myself as the type of person who could pull off such a stunt, or the type who would stoop this low. However, I was backed into a corner and this was my only way out. Please don’t judge me. I had no choice.

Last night, I pulled the boyfriend card. And let me tell you, it was great. I plan to use it again.

What is the boyfriend card? I’m glad you asked. The boyfriend card is when a guy will not leave you alone so you are forced to pretend you have a boyfriend to get out of said situation. The boyfriend card usually refers to people who are not really in a relationship but are forced to fabricate one.

Now, here are the reasons why I am against using the boyfriend card:

1. The feminist in me wants to scream. Why do I need a man to save me from this situation? I should be strong and confident enough to tell this boy to leave me alone. It’s not like he was going to physically hurt me. I mean… we were texting.

2. I could have easily said that I just found him incredibly annoying and to be honest, a little weird. But I did not want to hurt his feelings. Why am I so nice?

3. He was texting me for over three hours asking me to hang out. “Just come over! I wanna see you!” at midnight. Let me clarify, this is not a person who I have ever dated, thought about dating or even rejected. I haven’t seen this person in years and he barely qualifies as a friend. So why does he think that I am this pathetic and easy? When did I become his booty call? I should probably be insulted and therefore, should not try to spare his feelings.

But, here is why I changed my mind:

1. The second I used the word “boyfriend”, my phone went from vibrating off of my nightstand to silent. It shut him up. There is nothing else that I could have said that would’ve worked as well as this did. And trust me, I tried them all. The boyfriend card was my last resort.

2. It just worked so well. I don’t think I need any more reasons.

But now the feminist in me is angry. She suggests trying other methods such as, “I’m gay”. Why do I need a man to save me? This is how I see that scene playing out:

Boy: Come over.

Me: I can’t, sorry.

Boy: Why not?

Me: I’m busy.

Boy: But I haven’t seen you in so long! Just come hang out.

Me: Sorry, I’m gay.

Boy: That’s okay. Bring your girlfriend. We’ll all hang out.

Me: If by “hang out” you mean a threesome, you must have not heard me. I’m gay.

Boy: I heard you. But I’m totally cool with it. We’ll have fun.

Me: Why do all boys think they can turn lesbians straight?

Boy: Okay, I can’t turn you straight. You’re not into guys. I get it. It’s cool. I’ll just watch.

Me: I lied. I have a boyfriend.

Boy: Oh. Bye.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Sorry, feminist me. The boyfriend card wins.

PS. If you are the boy who I was texting last night, I’m sorry. But I mean, let’s be honest here.

Featured image via ShutterStock

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