The Boyfriend Card

Last night, I did something I thought I’d never do. I’ve always heard stories about girls who did this and about guys who had it done to them, and I never saw myself as the type of person who could pull off such a stunt, or the type who would stoop this low. However, I was backed into a corner and this was my only way out. Please don’t judge me. I had no choice.

Last night, I pulled the boyfriend card. And let me tell you, it was great. I plan to use it again.

What is the boyfriend card? I’m glad you asked. The boyfriend card is when a guy will not leave you alone so you are forced to pretend you have a boyfriend to get out of said situation. The boyfriend card usually refers to people who are not really in a relationship but are forced to fabricate one.

Now, here are the reasons why I am against using the boyfriend card:

1. The feminist in me wants to scream. Why do I need a man to save me from this situation? I should be strong and confident enough to tell this boy to leave me alone. It’s not like he was going to physically hurt me. I mean… we were texting.

2. I could have easily said that I just found him incredibly annoying and to be honest, a little weird. But I did not want to hurt his feelings. Why am I so nice?

3. He was texting me for over three hours asking me to hang out. “Just come over! I wanna see you!” at midnight. Let me clarify, this is not a person who I have ever dated, thought about dating or even rejected. I haven’t seen this person in years and he barely qualifies as a friend. So why does he think that I am this pathetic and easy? When did I become his booty call? I should probably be insulted and therefore, should not try to spare his feelings.

But, here is why I changed my mind:

1. The second I used the word “boyfriend”, my phone went from vibrating off of my nightstand to silent. It shut him up. There is nothing else that I could have said that would’ve worked as well as this did. And trust me, I tried them all. The boyfriend card was my last resort.

2. It just worked so well. I don’t think I need any more reasons.

But now the feminist in me is angry. She suggests trying other methods such as, “I’m gay”. Why do I need a man to save me? This is how I see that scene playing out:

Boy: Come over.

Me: I can’t, sorry.

Boy: Why not?

Me: I’m busy.

Boy: But I haven’t seen you in so long! Just come hang out.

Me: Sorry, I’m gay.

Boy: That’s okay. Bring your girlfriend. We’ll all hang out.

Me: If by “hang out” you mean a threesome, you must have not heard me. I’m gay.

Boy: I heard you. But I’m totally cool with it. We’ll have fun.

Me: Why do all boys think they can turn lesbians straight?

Boy: Okay, I can’t turn you straight. You’re not into guys. I get it. It’s cool. I’ll just watch.

Me: I lied. I have a boyfriend.

Boy: Oh. Bye.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Sorry, feminist me. The boyfriend card wins.

PS. If you are the boy who I was texting last night, I’m sorry. But I mean, let’s be honest here.

Featured image via ShutterStock

  • Alle Connell

    I get why you did this. I’ve done it too. I also get why you don’t want to just say “Leave me alone, weirdo.” Women are taught to be “nice” all the time, especially to men, which is a trap we all fall into sometimes. You’ve accurately figured out that this SUCKS. Being assertive and sticking up for yourself (rather than having to lie) is a skill, not something inherent that some people have and others don’t. For other girls who are in this situation–and that’s going to be basically everyone at some point–here’s A Nice Girl’s Guide To Saying “Get Bent”:

    – Call attention to weird behaviour. Sometimes people don’t realise that what they’re doing is bizarre. I don’t know how, but it happens. Instead of staying awake until all hours trapped in a “Come over”/”I caaaan’t!” texting loop, say “Dude, it’s midnight on a Wednesday. Why would I leave my house and go to yours? I haven’t seen you in years!” Sometimes that’s enough.
    – If it isn’t, be more direct. Turn it into a joke if you want, but be firm. “It’s midnight, yo. I’m not your booty call.”
    – IGNORE. I seriously doubt this dude was texting you and getting no response for three hours. Not even the drunkest of drunk idiots would do that. If the other person doesn’t take “no” for an answer, ignore them. Don’t answer their texts. Don’t answer their calls. Easy.
    – Remember that you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t owe them sex, you don’t owe them long explanations. If this dude isn’t listening to you say “I’m not going out with you at 2am,” then he’s a jerk. Don’t worry about his special feelings. Turn off your phone and go to sleep.

    After all, you need sleep. You’re a busy lady! You have stuff to do! Stuff that doesn’t involve protecting the emotional wellbeing of an almost complete stranger who won’t take “no” for an answer!

    • Stephanie Titus

      This. This was perfect.

    • Maria Lopez

      This should have been the article instead of what I just read up there. You win at the internet.

  • Lauren Nicole

    The boyfriend card is great! And it’s not going against your feminist side. I’ve actually been straight forward with guys before saying I’m not interested, they’re not my type, we’re better off as friends and this did nothing to dissuade them. Say you’re taken and they back off. Not a reflection on you “needing” a guy to save you, it’s a reflection on the jerks that can’t take a hint.
    Play the card often, my friend! Sometimes it’s the only way out.

  • Celesta Török

    You know, I went on a couple of non-dates with a guy once, who was very into me, but he also made it VERY clear that all he wanted was to have sex, which I didn’t want, especially not with him because I didn’t know him at all. So, I did tell him I wasn’t into him and to back off and he did. For about two days. And then he started texting me again like a creep. In the interim of all of this I actually did meet someone, which I told him when he started texting me again. He got pretty upset and left me alone. For about two weeks. Then he started texting me AGAIN and calling me asking if we could be friends. I knew better. I finally had to block his number and changed my number for good measure to get the guy to leave me alone. Talk about harassment!

  • Bob Murglay

    for a feminist you don’t have a problem with calling other girls “easy” ? Stop being a hypocrite.

    • Tabatha Alcina

      Where’d you see that?

    • Chelsy Waugh

      I might just be skipping over the part, but where does she call other girls easy? I see where she says ” So why does he think that I am this pathetic and easy?” but she is referring to herself from that guy’s perspective, not other girls.

  • Joaquin Gaitán

    So… now that I know you’re single… you wanna go out? 😛

  • Amelia Shister

    What do I do about the guy who hears “boyfriend” and still doesn’t back off (happens to my roommate all the time, but then again, she’s WAY too nice) or the guy who says he’ll “wait for you” (happens to me… this guy has been single for like 8 years because he’s waiting for me – no joke)?

  • Tara Lee Roiger

    This tends to work, except when it comes to those guys who chase after gals whether said gal is taken or not. In these cases, you have to tell them that they are being a complete idiot and stop talking to them….forever.

  • Jackie Portillo-Hyten

    I once told a guy (very jokingly) that I needed him to stop harassing me. And I said it to his face…at work…not via text. Either way, he took me very literally and stopped talking to me. Unfortunately, I felt bad about it because I was, in fact, joking but somehow that got lost in translation. Rather than appearing to be a huge bitch I apologized….in hindsight, I wish I hadn’t because that opened up a whole other can of worms. Moral of the story–if the feminist in you doesn’t want to play the boyfriend card you can try my approach. It seems to work just as well.

  • Andrea Ragone

    Personally, I don’t have a problem with using the “boyfriend card.” I don’t feel like I NEED a man for anything. But in such cases, one becomes fictitiously useful. LOL
    However, if you are so against using “the boyfriend card,” try using the “baby card.”
    About 5 minutes before reading this I did. It worked. Not instantly ( like the boyfriend one would probably have) but it did.
    I would have used the “boyfriend card,” but I messed it up before I realized the guy’s intentions.

  • Dorkus Americanus

    I once had a guy who telephone stalked me for about 6 months, calling and hanging up, until I finally I had a male friend pick up my phone and he never called again. Is that considered playing “The Boyfriend Card”?

  • Divya Kanteti

    Honestly … I don’t think the feminist in you should feel bad at all. You just let the guy think that you ditched him for your ” current boyfriend” rather than you ditched him in general. Its his false sense of pride which keeps him happy that he couldn’t get you to spend time with him ONLY because you had a boyfriend. He’s happy you are happy…. No regrets

  • Audrey Roy

    Ahahah! Amazing! I’ve pulled the ”I’m seeing someone” card, but it didn’t worked. I’m gonna go with the boyfriend card next time and maybe, just maybe, he’ll stop just as fast :)

  • Cassi Baker

    I have only ever pulled this card once, and I felt semi-hormible about it after. But I was so tired of this guy not getting the hint that, no I did not want to come over at eleven at night. Now he leaves me alone, and it is awesome!

  • Katy Littlejohn

    I’ve used the fiancé card before, but only at a sketchy club. I even put my birthstone ring on my ring finger to support my backstory. If a guy won’t stop texting, I don’t text them back. My phone gets set to silent and I slumber in peace. Let him figure it out. No means no, and no, I won’t say it again. Good night!

  • M Jackson Von Doobz

    Just another example of the complete emptiness of this society. It’s now virtually impossible for a guy to even talk to a girl, let alone compliment her or ask her to hang out. Things like TV and the Internet have actually driven us away from each other; we set up archetypes of people who are “qualified” to be in our lives and filter out any others (the majority) who don’t fit the mold.

    Thanks for reinforcing my sense of hopelessness with this article, it makes me want to renounce humanity, cut my dick off, and throw myself out of a skyscraper.

  • Grace Rulloda

    I’ve been toying with the idea of the boyfriend/lesbian card on *really* annoying people before, but then I figured I could just block them in Facebook and they don’t know my number and address anyway. 😉

  • Carrie Levine

    this is genius. desribes a situation i just had and resorted in playing the boyfriend card.

    3. He was texting me for over three hours asking me to hang out. “Just come over! I wanna see you!” at midnight. Let me clarify, this is not a person who I have ever dated, thought about dating or even rejected. I haven’t seen this person in years and he barely qualifies as a friend. So why does he think that I am this pathetic and easy? When did I become his booty call? I should probably be insulted and therefore, should not try to spare his feelings.

    This was my exact situation.

    Nice to know there are others out there who experience the same thing.

  • Dani Christopher

    since we’re talking feminists here, the feminist in me (aka me) thinks the best thing to say is that we’re not interested. it’s a horrible construct of our society that men think they can harass us into doing what they want. i think we’re only doing ourselves a disservice if we pull out the boyfriend or gay cards. however, i have been in a situation where a guy wouldn’t leave me alone & i couldn’t find my friends to help me, so i pulled the boyfriend card. he still wouldn’t go away until i repeated it several times. i do, unfortunately, think that when it’s a situation where you’re feeling threatened, it’s ok to say whatever you have to to make the guy go away. with texts though, i say i’m not interested and if he won’t back off i do as others here have said, i stop answering & turn my phone on silent. especially because half the times the guys texting me that crap have girlfriends, so saying you have a boyfriend is like a yellow light to them, not a red one.

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