I recently watched a People.com interview with Rosie O’Donnell where she revealed that she’s a fan of the slice of life masterpiece Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Rosie was glowing as she exclaimed, “I love Mama June. I love Sugar Bear. I love Chubbs. I love ’em all.” So do I, Rosie! She even said that she’d love to buy them a house. It’s like she woke up from that heart attack with a heart of gold. What kind of angel just buys someone a house? I can’t stop thinking about her offer. Where will the house be? What if Rosie bought them a house close to where I live? What if Honey Boo Boo Child was my neighbor? Would that be awesome or horrible? Let’s see:
The Worst Parts
That little piglet makes so much noise. Yes we all love Glitzy because of the joy that he brings to Alana, but actually having to deal with him on a daily basis would be the absolute worst. Glitzy’s squealing never ends! There would be no escape. What if I had people over? They would ask, “Hey, what is that loud squealing noise?” and I’d have to say, “Oh sorry, the 7-year-old reality star that lives next to me owns a pig, and no one in her family knows how to hold it.” I hope Glitzy never reads this, but he would be the absolute worst neighbor.
Getting Basic Living Supplies Would Be Difficult
Have you seen Mama June’s supply shelves? If there are two things that she loves more than Sug, they’re extreme couponing and stockpiling. The way she hoards basic living supplies, you’d think that the super volcano under Yellowstone was about to blow (I think about that every day). How am I supposed to get shampoo or laundry detergent when Mama clears out all the stores around? Sure I read Lifehacker, but I’m not actually making that stuff. I’m not traveling two towns over to get soap, and I’m certainly not going to develop some sort of barter system where I trade guitar lessons for goods. No way.
Everything Will Inevitably Get Muddy
Precious little Alana loves mud. It’s her favorite thing besides Glitzy, The Shhh It’s a Wig store, go-go juice and baby Kaitlyn. There was an entire Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episode where Alana just jumped in the mud and rolled around. A full 22 minutes of that. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure Pumpkin was rolling around in the mud too. It’s not just Alana; the whole family loves it. If we were neighbors, there’s no doubt everything around my house would get muddy. There would be dirt, a water hose, maybe an above-ground pool spill and then eventually a ton of mud. It’s how the world works. To quote James Van Der Beek, “I don’t want. Your life.”
Do I like being in front of a camera? Sure. Do I want reality TV cameras on me ever? Hell no.
All The Pageant Prep Will Be Too Much
If I were Honey Boo Boo’s neighbor, I would have to endure pageant prep all the time. Even from the confines of my home, I’m sure I’d be able to hear the high pitched, poppy music and Mama yelling things like, “Work it, girl!” and “Smooches!” Plus, I’m sure they’d always ask me if I wanted to see Alana’s routine. I’d have to lug myself over to their house and watch it over and over again. Sure, I’d enjoy every second of it, but not if I had to see it every day. I can’t be thinking about dance routines at work.
The Best Parts
They Have An Above-Ground Pool
I love watching Honey Boo Boo’s family swim in their above-ground pool. One of my favorite moments from the show was when Alana was too hot from selling lemonade, so she jumped into the pool with all her clothes on. It was a classic TV moment that probably had more viewers than the M.A.S.H. finale. I can’t even imagine enjoying that pool with them! It would be so awesome to have neighbors with an above-ground pool. On a hot summer day or a cool summer night, I’d grab my bathing suit, a towel, possibly some sun screen, potentially some aloe vera and definitely some snacks, and trot on over. I’d say, “Pumpkin! Chubbs! Chickadee! Baby Kaityln! Get out of the pool! J-Bird (that’s the show nickname I just gave myself) wants to swim!” They would be nice, gracious neighbors, so they’d let me swim whenever I want. “Pool party at the Honey Boo Boo residence!” I can just hear Alana screaming that.
Their Lemonade Stand
Honey Boo Boo Child and her sisters make the absolute best lemonade in town. It tastes like you’re biting into a fresh lemon while someone is simultaneously pouring sugar down your throat. Delicious. Somehow they’ve managed to make it 99% sugar, 99% lemon juice and 1% water. That’s 199%! It tastes so good that you could have three glasses! But don’t do that because it can cause heart palpitations. I also assume that neighbors get a discount, so I’d have that going for me too. The jackpot would be actually getting ahold of Mama’s lemonade recipe. That would involve a heist that might take months of planning, but if I were their neighbor, I’d already be in the right place.
Sugar Bear Seems Like A Chill Guy
Right? He just seems like a mellow, down to earth guy who would be easy to kick it with.We could ride four wheelers, search for roadkill, build things, talk philosophy, shop for knick-knacks and so many other fun things. I usually don’t befriend my neighbors, but if I lived next to this guy, I’m sure that would change. Maybe I could even get him to stop using chewing tobacco. I’d say, “I don’t want to change you, but as your friend I’m worried.” To be honest, we’ve been friends in my head since episode one, so I’ve had a lot of time to play out these scenarios.
Plenty Of Babysitters If I Ever Needed
Between Chickadee, Pumpkin, Chubbs and Alana, there are so many responsible young ladies under one roof. If I ever had children, I’d feel safe leaving them in any of their care. I’m sure they’ve taken a couple babysitting certification courses. Even if they haven’t, I assume that the cameramen from the show are experts in child care at this point. They would be around for extra protection.
Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti…SKETTI! I can’t stop saying it. Being Honey Boo Boo’s neighbor would mean sketti whenever I want . Even if that wasn’t the case, I’d at least get sketti as a housewarming gift. I can just picture Mama June and the gang showing up at my door with a pot full of wonderful. I’d say, “What’s in sketti anyway?” just because I like to hear it out loud. Alana would answer, “Butter, sketti and ketchup,” and my heart would melt like the butter and ketchup in the microwave. I just want to keep saying it. Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti, Sketti…SKETTI!
There you have it: the best definitely outweighs the worst. Being Honey Boo Boo’s neighbor would be the greatest. She’s a little ball of entertainment that keeps on giving. So if you’re reading this, Rosie, which I’m sure you are, please buy Honey Boo Boo Child and her family a house near the Arby’s in Los Angeles. Thank you forever.
(Interview quotes via People.com. Images via WhoTalking, TVGasm, Sofritoforyoursoul, Atlantaboy,VisitKorea, Newsvine, Time, USMagazine, ParentsCorner, VandornPools and OlympusMicro.)