Between the years of 1986 and 2000, if you were a pre-teen girl with the ability to read, you knew everything – everything – about The Babysitters Club. But in case you need a refresher: Kristy has A Great Idea and now moms all over Stoneybrook can reach a bunch of experienced 13 year old babysitters at once, but only if they call between 5:30 and 6 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Occasionally, Kristy’s millionaire stepfather would take all of them on vacations together in a Super Special, spending roughly the equivalent of Canada’s gross national product so they never had to travel in a group of less than ten. You always skipped the second chapter, because you didn’t need to read for the zillionth time about Dawn’s obsession with tahini, Mary-Anne’s crippling anxiety and how Claudia has just stapled three live canaries to her beret.
And you know that you still secretly judge your friends by their favorite sitter. For the record, I am the only person in the entire world (seriously, they did a comprehensive study) who over-identified with Mallory. Which I will never understand, because Mallory was awesome. She had red hair and glasses! She liked horseback riding! She wanted to be a writer! She named her hamster Frodo! All you Stacey fans out there obviously had perfect lives, fluffy blonde hair, clear skin, straight As in math, and your own Bloomingdale’s charge card. Every last one of you.
Scholastic has been issuing reprints of the first couple books – I guess there’s texting now? And maybe ol’ Claudia doesn’t wear so many leg warmers? – but it seems patently unfair to me that they’re still aimed at kids. I grew up with the BSC, damnit. I learned valuable life lessons from those ghostwriters, and I am still in need of instruction! The Wakefield twins just got bumped up to adulthood and into 2012. Why can’t the BSC?
And because Sweet Valley Confidential ruined my entire childhood (Jessica Wakefield, you are a sociopath, and I hope that when Diablo Cody’s movie comes out, Elizabeth feasts on your soul), I will volunteer to write the first eighteen books of the new series myself. My proposed titles:
Kristy’s First Girlfriend
Claudia’s Useless Visual Arts Degree
Stacey Quits Law School
Mary Anne’s Unplanned Pregnancy
Dawn Goes Hipster
Mallory and Too Many Student Loans
Jessi’s Terrible Roommate
BONUS EDITION: Shannon’s Hasty Marriage
BONUS EDITION: Logan Bruno: Stay At Home Dad
Kristy Hates Temping
Claudia Occupies Wall Street
Stacey and the Trouble With STDs
Mary Anne’s Awkward Bachelorette Party
Dawn Loves an Unemployed Drummer
Mallory and the Cubicle Blues
Jessi and the Race to Un-tag Facebook Photos Before an Important Interview
Abby Is Still Alive, I Guess, So Good Job With That
SUPER SPECIAL #1: Staycation! It’s Less Expensive Than Any Of Those Trips We Took In 8th Grade!
By Molly Shalgos
Feature image via.