From Our Readers

The Art of the Facebook Profile: A Guide for the Modern Woman

With more people on Facebook than there were on the planet two hundred years ago, it is imperative that one puts forth their best image in this new digital age. I mean, who knows who could be looking at your Facebook profile? What makes me qualified to offer guidance on this particular subject?  I Facebook creep like it’s my second job.  Most people wouldn’t admit that, but as many of my friends, family members, co-workers, acquaintances, classmates and pets will tell you, I am not like most people.  This stalker-ish hobby has provided me with a connoisseur-level knowledge of profile pictures and status updates which I benevolently detail in the sections that follow.  You’re welcome.

Section 1. The Status Update
Too often in my Facebook career have I seen people squander their valuable status updates on dumb things like spreading “social awareness” or wishing their mom a happy Mother’s Day.  C’mon people, status updates are your chance to have your self-worth validated in the form of a virtual thumbs up.  Don’t waste it.  If you struggle at coming up with snappy and impressive status updates that spark equal parts envy and admiration in your virtual friends then simply copy and paste any of the following pre-approved statuses (Below: List 1).  These beauties are guaranteed to garner at least 10 likes or your money back. (Disclaimer: Results will vary based on your geographic location, age, and the zeitgeisty-ness of your Facebook friends).

List 1

  • I want a love like Rose and Jack . (NOTE: For added irony, substitute Rose and Jack for Katie and Tom, Sid and Nancy or Norman Bates and his mom)
  • I hate the Yankee$ (NOTE: most effective for readers who live outside of New York City)
  • Could Jack White be any more bad ass?
  • The purity of Bryce Harper’s playing style gives me hope for the future of baseball. (NOTE: Bros will eat this s*** up)
  • I can’t wait for the Arrested Development movie #TheresAlwaysMoneyInTheBananaStand
  • You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one… (NOTE: John Lennon = automatic likes if you live above the Bible Belt)
  • Andrew Garfield. (NOTE: ‘nuff said)

**If all else fails just give people an hour-by-hour rundown of your schedule for the day or post one of those “Like in 5 seconds” photos.  People love that!!

Section 2. The Profile Picture
Picking a suitable profile picture is an art in an of itself.  It is not enough to simply select a photo of yourself taken with your Mac’s Photo Booth feature anymore.  You need to choose a picture that makes you stand out and doesn’t disgust the casual Facebook creeper.  This is the image that you are projecting to the entire virtual world.  DO NOT mess this up. The following are four photographic categories that will be of great help to you in your attempt to achieve profile picture nirvana.

Section 2.1. The Throwback
Nothing says “Everyone tell me how cute I am” like a baby picture. If you have a spare couple of hours head over to your parents house and gather up some of your most cheek pinch-worthy baby pictures. Then, scan them with a high-quality scanner and upload them for the world to see.  Captions such as “Back in the Day” or “#swag” can be the perfect compliment to a photo of you rocking a Barney onesie or a pair of baby Ray Bans.  Remember: Hash tag captions aren’t douchey if they are ironic.

Section 2.2. Comparatively Cute
By choosing a photo of yourself surrounded by less attractive people, you can magically make yourself appear prettier. You could even try to sneakily stage a Comparatively Cute photo by following these easy steps. First, find someone to take a picture of you and a couple of friends.  After a nice photo has been taken suggest doing the token “silly” photo. Then, just stand there and flash your prettiest smile while your friends make themselves look like bonafide fools.  Finally, upload the pic to Facebook before your friends have time to see it.

Section 2.3. Party Hardy
Everyone appreciates a girl who can let loose. Who cares if a your parents, impressionable young relatives, professors, employers, or future employers stumble upon photos of you having a little fun? Any employer worth working for is going to see that profile picture of you dancing on the bar while tossing back your fourth Bud Lite Lime-a-Rita and think, “I’d be so lucky to have a charismatic and outgoing female like that on my payroll.”  IMPORTANT: These photos should always be accompanied by a caption that reads “YOLO” in order to convey your appreciation for life and its fragility.

Section 2.4. Cool and Unusual
This category encompasses pictures of you doing notable and unique things such as: riding a camel or elephant in its natural habitat (NOT the circus or Renaissance Fair), participating in a TOMS Shoe Drop in Africa, skydiving, or “Eat, Pray, Love”ing it in Italy.  If you haven’t done anything particularly brag-worthy in your lifetime, don’t be afraid to play around with Photoshop and create your very own Cool and Unusual profile picture.

If you follow these simple guidelines, I am confident that you can craft and maintain your very best Facebook image. Good luck my dear readers. You got a lot riding on this, so don’t screw up.

Follow Kendra Hoban on Twitter.

Feature image via.

  • Serena Johnson

    This should be part of the terms and conditions.

  • Shelly Pierce

    UGH…So tired of the blogosphere griping about social media and giving people poop for doing certain things. “Don’t take pictures of your baby,” “Nobody cares about what you eat,” “Instagram pictures are aweful,” “Don’t post pictures of yourself,” and “Hashtag’s make you look like a douch bag” …… OK So lets get this straight, I cant take pictures of the people I love, but make sure you dont take pictures of yourself, your food, or anything you find important because someone else might think its annoying..? So my pictures can ONLY be of the abstract art variety? Im just tired of everyone and their mom, complaining about how people choose to use their social media. Look: if you DON’T like it… maybe you should NOT follow/be friends with/like those people who have ruined social media for you. This post really isn’t that bad and maybe I’m over reacting but this is like the 3rd blog Ive read on Hellogiggles in the last few months about someone being pissed off about this… Srsly, if we cant say anything nice… maybe we shouldn’t say anything at all.

    • Sara Coons

      I completely agree with you, Shelly. Everything I put on my social media sites are things that I like. Am I annoyed by some of the things I see on other people’s facebook pages? Of course! I’m not Mother Teresa! BUT, I understand that the things my facebook friends post and the way they post them are important to THEM. They don’t have to be important or interesting to me. I don’t have to read them, and I certainly don’t have a right to tell them how to manage their pages, just as no one has a right to tell me how to manage mine.

      • Kendra Boyle Hoban

        Hey guys!

        I am the author of this post :) This article is not meant to attack the way anyone chooses to represent themselves online. It is supposed to be a satirical, light-hearted, ironic look at some of the ways in which people portray themselves on Facebook. May of the things that I make fun of in my post are things that I do myself on Facebook (including posting my baby pictures, using hash tags, and posting about my food), so it would hypocritical for me to tell anyone to manage their profile in a certain way. Thanks for reading! :)

  • Lynnsey Marie Herndon

    Wait. Wait. Wait. This article is supposed to be a joke, right? Spoof? Everything that’s tacky in the world of FB?

  • Doruntina Berisha

    Connect with Facebook to post a comment

  • Doruntina Berisha

    This is just for fake people, it’s not about how many likes you get! It’s about doing something you feel like doing and sharing stuff you like with your friends. And the YOLO caption? that’s just dumb.

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