Why are people are rude, mean and just plain old evil? There are a variety of reasons and the truth is you will never know the right one. This post is dedicated to giving you a couple common ones so at least it will be a bit easier to not take to heart if someone is a major jerk to you. And no, I don’t think there’s any valid excuse, nor do I support the idea of letting jerks be rude to you and you do nothing about it. I think when you are upset or wronged; you have a right to your reaction no matter what that is (hurting another human aside). That said you can better shrug off the hurt when you know it has nothing to do with you. *Major disclaimer: this is not universal and only addresses the regular everyday brand jerkiness, not the true psychopaths that can injure you severely. So take it with a grain of salt.
Misery. Firstly, jerks are often deep down very unhappy people. Many times they have been put through some stuff that has made them care little about themselves; it’s like living in a survival mode of sorts. Look at it this way: when you feel like crap, you don’t care about how you look. The same goes for when your life and soul are suffering; you don’t care about hurting others when you’re already hurting so much. It’s just par for the course. I am sick with the flu so I act sick with the flu. This equation translates across all sorts of other problems that have affected your life path: I was taught that my body is the most interesting thing about me, so my body is the most interesting thing about me. Etc. When someone hurts, especially when they really hurt, you’re not going to change that for the moment that you are kind to them. You’re almost an invisible part of the terrible world around them. Know that there are a lot of people that hurt out there. You’re not a factor in their pain, just another pebble on the road. Don’t take it personally, and know that you can’t fix it. That kind of pain is deep and needs to be gutted from the core-out by that person alone. You can’t help someone want to do that either. They have to want it for themselves: to give themselves a happier life.
Sickness. Sickness is a biggie. When people are addicts, of many shapes and kinds, the basic situation is a substance or obsession has replaced the soul and purpose of life for a person. This can take the form of a body image problem related to self-esteem, or it can take the form of literal addiction to a drug. Regardless of the shiny object, what happens is a person loses complete awareness of anything other than this one thing that defines the very worth of their life. You might become a part of that. Addiction reduces people to hyenas. There is nothing more to live for than food. Or in this case, their drug of choice; their god. Hard to understand when it’s not you, but it redefines everything of importance in relationship to survival aka this one thing. Don’t lie in the path to be trampled further. Get out of the way and know that it has nothing to do with you.
Shaky foundations. This one’s a toughy because in a weird way we all have semi-out of wack foundations: no one is totally perfect, and if they are, well who wants to hang out with them? Boooring. JK. Not really. But seriously, we’ve all got some ish from childhood, ‘cause we’re raised by humans. It’s just certain times that ish is super unstable to build a normal world-view upon and when we do build up we end up a bit crooked, sideways or distorted as our adult self. The main thing to be aware of when it comes to people with old issues that cause them to act like jerks, is that their foundation has caused them to define certain things in certain ways that are different than ours. Meaning that when you think of something you define it as a specific thing in your mind because of what your childhood taught you that thing means. For example: if you were given less attention by your parent than your sibling, in your adult life this unfairness will be factored into how you view every situation. Because that is your truth: I’m not getting what I deserve, or I’m getting shorted. It’s a perspective that comes from a self-protective instinct, and you just happened to be in the line of fire. Don’t take it personally – you are not the cause, and it doesn’t say anything about you.
Culture. Sometimes people we think are jerks are simply culturally opposite us. They grew up in a family where everyone shares everything, including the food in the fridge. Or they’re used to speaking their mind, because that is much healthier to them and a true form of respect. Or they are used to being polite and not speaking their mind, and that is a form of respect. There can be an amazingly vast divide between what you consider normal vs. what another considers normal. Again, not related to you, related to speaking totally different languages.
In summary…In the face of jerks, the most important thing to remember is that people mean well. They are not jerks for the sake of being jerks. Who wants to feel crappy and mean and be pissed off? No one. Just like no one would want another person to feel that way if they’re in a sound state of mind. (*The exception to this is that some people lack the ability to feel empathy, and therefor they do not have a conscience. That is called a psychopath or a sociopath, and they’re the jerks to get the heck away from.) But other than that, people do not mean you harm, they are just flawed, and flawed in ways you cannot and will not know most of the time. The most important thing for you to have, is confidence in your soul. Trust in the knowledge of yourself, that you are good, that you are kind and mean well, and from there you will be able to regain the trust that others are good too. It can be tough to think that way after someone has done something super mean, but if you hold tight to the good core within yourself, you will see the truth in it. People are not evil. People are good. They try, they want to do well. They just sometimes get lost along the way, hurt, slowed down, clouded, their muscle grows over a scar that makes them hobble. They do not mean you harm, they are just deflected on their path.
Hope this helps you in some small way, the next time you encounter a person that’s not the nicest to you. xox Sarah
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I cannot relate to you enough in this article. I am currently writing my blog on a very similer subject matter. Thank you for being so honest and making me see things in a different perspective. It is simply knowing that I am not alone with my feelings, no matter how isolated I may feel at times, that is getting me through this. I too have met a jerk. Three and a half years thrown away by a simple text. Although I did get closure yesterday after a phone call he made. He only rang because he had been caught out on something. I think that was the hardest thing. I found out he had ‘cheated’ on me, and I thought that the last few weeks have been because of his guilt and perhaps we could work through this, however, he admitted everything and at the end told me he still didn’t want me, and that he’s happier without me. He even laughed a little when I cried, perhaps that was through fear but what a jerk, really, what a complete jerk. I realise now that nothing I could have done was going to save the relationship, because he’d already both tarnished it and made up his mind. I’m even more ashamed because I started a blog recently which was written with the hope of getting back together, and that all the changes I was making were ultimately for him and us. I wanted to delete the blog, because suddenly it didn’t feel the same anymore, but instead I embraced the situation and have used it as fuel to become a better person. I don’t think we’ll ever know why people can be so heartless, but it’s true, they can. I also feel now, more than ever before that you never really know someone, except yourself, and even sometimes you question that. However if we choose to let these things ruin us or knock as back we really do give the other person a power over us and I’m sorry but they simply do not deserve it. I’m so sorry to hear that many of you are feeling or have felt just as I do now, I would make the pain go away for each and every one of you if I could, but we all know that can’t happen, so instead what I will say is that life goes on, because it does. Happiness may be short lived, or come in the most smallest and insignificant forms, but it exist, for each and every one of us in some way or another. I think first and foremost most of this boils down to acceptance, acceptance of the situation, acceptance of never really knowing why people do what they do, and most importantly acceptance of yourself. Because once you have accepted each of these things, you can’t blame yourself or anyone anymore, you just have to soldier on and know that millions of other girls, boys, woman and men are soldiering on with you.
Thank you!
http://whatkatydidnexttt.blogspot.co.uk/
love!
This article reminded me that I need to take a step back from my everyday life, especially when things aren’t going so swell, and to light them with a new perspective. I too work in retail and it can be a beast, sometimes reducing one to tears of frustration. But then again, I meet some really wonderful people while working, as well, reminding me of why I love my job in the first place. I suppose it’s about the shade of glasses you view them through. Thanks for this!
Thank you for writing such an amazing article! I really loved it
Thanks Ivan!!!
Very glad
If you must focus on something outside try nature itself. Very peaceful.and the cost is free ?
If you watch TV you see ungodly amounts of violence . If you walk in a mall you see all the things you don’t have yet. If you go to school you are made to do what all the other kids are doing and looking like.
How many kids focus on inner piece ?
How many are focused on outer wants ? ( what everyone else has ? )
How many teachers even take a deep breath before we do this exercise ?
We all have gifts. They are not all the same. They aren’t outside either. They are inside.
Who teaches this ?
I couldn’t agree more! So important, maybe the most important thing to learn in life. It took me 30 years to arrive at that connection, I find it in yoga, and friends, but I agree it should be taught everywhere. So much is solved with a connection to self.
Yes, perspective is everything but it can be perverted by those with an agenda.(Fox News?) We are living in a time where it’s acceptable in certain circles to refer to our Potus as a “Kenyan” a “Muslim”. an “Alien” and even a “Chimp”. This kind of disrespect is unprecedented. People are angry and this anger manifests itself all throughout our great land from top to bottom. Civility has never meant so little. That’s what I see on my side of the tracks. What I don’t see is an effective remedy.
Hope and communication, and of course positivity.
I wish I could find it in me to be that sympathetic in real life situations. It’s a very good way to look at it. It goes to show you that you don’t know a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes and know what it’s like to be them. I especially enjoyed the paragraph on sickness as it is something I’ve found myself dealing with in others. All in all, this article is a great read.
True dat Christen , and thanks for saying that. Addiction is the roughest of all these topics. I wish you much luck and love – and thanks for your comment
xox
Working in retail I feel you made me look at difficult customers in a new light. Important not to let people who are mean get to you. I think you have a good perspective on the issue.
LOL that is a huge compliment. I can imagine – worked in retail quite a bit myself. Glad I could help in a small way
x
As the social climate in this country continues to deteriorate and people continue to get more and more withdrawn/selfish I would expect to see an additional growth of acute foolish behavior. A content society is a kind society. As the chasm between haves and have nots expands serenity will contract dragging civility right along with it.
Awe Robert you don’t believe that! I don’t believe you. You’re proof to the opposite – as is our knowing one another !! We will never deteriorate as a culture, if anything we’ll just lose our ability to understand “the kids these days” as we get old. And I know you know, perspective is everything
Great article!! Thanks for writing and sharing. And in the name of HelloGiggles friendship…don’t worry about the stupid typo…your beautiful writing shines right through it!!! (and don’t let anyone tell you anything different).
At the moment I am sure that my little brother is a pure jerk and I refuse to empathise with him- he just threw a pair of dirty underwear into my bedroom while I was studying, and then a pile of old shoes. Honestly- patience can only stretch so far!!!
Yuck!!!! OMG girl, you sound like you’re dealing with a little brother, am I right? Good luck with that.. x
I feel there’s been too much emphasis put on this already in the comments – but hey, I like to add my bit. Although you’ve responded so graciously, don’t be hard on yourself about the typo! It is literally imposible to see your mistakes sometimes – your brain automatically reads what you’ve assumed you’ve written (& that my friends is why lecturers/teachers, etc. insist you write assessment with plenty of time to spare so you can proofread it sometime after you’ve read it, thus effectively tricking your brain).
In regards to the actual content… It isn’t people being a jerk that really sucks, it’s when a friend slips into a moment of jerk-ness that truly cuts – but I guess, with a friend, you already know the background – the underlying reason why they’ve snapped – so it makes it easier to let go of. It can be frustrating when absolute strangers are rude for no reason. It helps to remember that we’re all flawed humans – nobody gets it right all the time. We can all be jerks. But the beauty is, we can all be the opposite as well & that’s what makes all the difference. (I’m not factoring the sociopaths into this equation – they’re in a league of their own).
Thanks Elle Made me happy to read that factoid about the typos !
So true – when your friends are jerky it feels like someone that loves you is intentionally trying to cause you harm. Very not fun. But yes, easier when we remember times we’ve done it ourselves. Thanks for writing – put a smile on my face ! xo
AH! Just what I needed to read today. Sending it to all my friends! Thanks for the read girlfriend! xoxo
Thank you Kaeli!!
x
Just wanted to sincerely thank you for writing this: Thank you.
I read this from beginning to end. I usually skip, ans skim. I was trying to see how this applies to me. Everyone has a jerk meter. Some ore more jerkier than others ha. I can be more than a jerk. Even my mom says i am a jerk, sometimes. Then again I like when whats her name calls me a “jerk”, its cute, and I know i made her laugh. My mom is extremely ill, I can see where my pain is passed onto others in the form or being a total Jerk
Well I am not exempt from being a jerk either – we all do it, we are humans! I strive to be as nice as I can, and see myself as objectively as possible. That’s still a work in process though. Thanks for reading, and for your comment
Dealing with addicts is rough. My brother is an addict and every time I let myself hope for him, he does something stupid. I know it’s the drugs talking and he is in long-term rehab now (after two jail stints), but I don’t know if that relationship has been hurt beyond repair.
So sorry to hear that – i feel you, it’s so terrible and so hard not to relate to everything as if you were somehow involved in it. Thankfully I think you have a pretty great awareness of yourself, you are good at taking care of you. xox
Sent “post” too quickly. Like you said – It’s hard to remember that when people are being jerks that it’s generally not your fault. So many of us over-analyze what happened and think that it’s our fault, but that’s a pretty narcissistic way of looking at things. Nine times out of ten, we’re not factoring into their mood.
Thank you! For the record, *your* ability to empathise is truly amazing, Sarah; it’s as though you’re living my life week by week. So thanks =) Jessi xx
LOL i guess that’s cause we’re similar people – thanks for your comment
xo
Spell check on that first sentence! :O
OMG I literally read it three times before I could see it! Of course that’s no excuse. I gotta stop trusting my word program to see stuff. thanks girl
For all those jerks we know. This is a well written
Article to help you feel better about jerks. We all
Have one or a few in our lives and this is just a
Nice one to read ….
Thanks Karly!