Like it or not, the Coachella lineup is splattered everywhere on the internet. We have been saving our tips, tax returns and birthday checks for these blessed days of music since our bodies recovered from last Coachella. We are scurrying for cheap hotels, sales at REI for tents and those water bottle bags that look like IVs and hitting up the mall for desert-friendly fashion. Regardless, Coachella is almost here. And whether or not it’s your first time, it’s a good idea to brace yourself for the Coachella crowd and familiarize yourself with them, because it’s going to be a long weekend.
1. The Cool Dads That Are There To See RHCP, The Stone Roses and Blur
These are the guys in their thirties and forties who put “I Am The Resurrection” on mixtapes for their first real girlfriends and secretly want to have sex with Anthony Kiedis (because come on, who doesn’t?). These men will be wearing their new Joy Division shirts their wives bought them from Urban Outfitters, and their favorite pairs of Chucks that they never get to wear because their jobs don’t let them. The Coachella dads are usually pretty harmless, unless they are psychotic enough to bring their kids along. Watch out for phone calls from their wives in the middle of a song. You’ll see them trying to block sound from one ear with their index finger while trying to understand what’s going on at home and yelling, “WHAT? WHAT? HUN, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THEY’RE PLAYING ‘UNDER THE BRIDGE’.”
2. Ravers Who Don’t Really Care Who Else Is Playing Besides Diplo
Unfortunately, Diplo isn’t playing at Coachella this year. But who cares? Ravers will find a way to paaaarrtaaayyy! Ravers will be wearing their usual neon uniforms, accompanied with those furry boots (how do you guys do that in 100 degree weather?!) hand-made candy bracelets and rainbow wigs. Ravers congregate at the Sahara Tent, a sweaty venue that harnesses all ye Dubstep gods. Most likely, this is where Bassnectar, Benny Benassi, Infected Mushroom and Moby will play. These electro-lovers are really fun, except when they really get into the zone and start doing that raver dance which looks like cross between an Irish gig and epileptic spasms. Besides their violent and unique forms of dancing, Ravers are totally harmless. If you run into one, they will most likely want you to feel the PLUR and hope you will accept their token of friendship, a candy bracelet. And maybe a shoulder massage.
3. Old People Who Only Exist For Lou Reed
These are usually folks in their 40s to 50s who haven’t realized that the true Lou Reed died a decade ago, along with his looks and vocal chords. These are the fans who also buy $400 tickets to go see the wizened Bob Dylan in concert. These men and women don’t give a f*ck what anyone else thinks; they will be wearing their Velvet Underground concert tee from the 70s; holes, pit stains and all. This time, it will probably be you that’s bothering THEM as they are transported back to simpler times via music.
4. Bros Who Are Only There For Budweiser And Phoenix
I went to Coachella in 2010 and on my second day, I was punched in the ear by…you guessed it. A Bro. He was shirtless, sweaty and wearing those Kanye sunglasses that were super popular in 2008. Bros might know a handful of bands that play at Coachella; they’re usually electronica pop-rock bands that play on the local Top 40 station like Passion Pit, Phoenix and Major Lazer. Bros also sometimes enjoy mashup DJs they’ve recently discovered, like Super Mash Bros and Girl Talk. They either jam shirtless or wear bright purple tees that say ironic phrases like “RUN DMC”. They usually come in Bropacks of five or six and howl and yell, “WHERE THE PARTY AT?” and “ENCORE!” when the band is taking more than two minutes to prepare for their encore. If they’re not recording “Lisztomania” on their phones, they’re taking up permanent residence at the beer garden, double fisting Bud and an energy drink.
5. Goths Who Sold Their Soul To See The xx
Goths have re-vamped (no pun intended) their overall ominous sense of style since I’ve been in high-school, but to my knowledge, they pretty much have the same philosophy of life as they did in 2004. Girl and guy Goths that will be attending Coachella 2013 will most likely wear ripped black tights with a pair of classic leopard print Creepers. Sometimes they will have white blonde hair that’s buzzed on the side, which is always simultaneously awesome and intimidating. Goths generally keep to themselves, doing the occasional head nod when The xx opens with “Crystalised” while absorbing harsh Indio sun with their blackened souls and trench coats.
6. Hipsters Who Are Only There For The Music
They spent all year busting ass at Starbucks to attend Coachella, and now is the time to get down to business. Prepping days, weeks beforehand, these determined dudes and dudettes already have their venues mapped and scheduled from the minute the grounds open to the moment the headliners play their final song. Realizing they must be selfish in order to hit up every single band on their list, they will abandon you, their significant other, or their best friend in order to claim a good spot. Bands that are highlighted on their list include Modest Mouse, Local Natives, Beach House, Alt-J, and Kurt Vile. Hipsters will scoff at acquaintances who admit they’re excited to see mainstream bands like RHCP and La Roux and will cast you out of their Northface tent for sheer lack of good music taste.
7. Girls Who Used To Have Fashion Mullets Who Love Metric
These are the girls that used to dye their hair jet black and wear shades of lime green MAC eyeshadow in high-school. Along with Metric, they are, or were, usually diehard Pretty Girls Make Graves and Atreyu fans. They have graduated to bigger and better things, like Kelly Osbourne lavender locks, skull patterned leggings, and ironic hair bows. Once stereotyped as “Scene,” these girls are the quiet ones in the back who soak in Emily Haines and maybe Tegan and Sara from a far while they check on their makeup.
So, good luck, stay cool, and if a bro elbows you in the eye because Kanye West has made a surprise guest appearance on set, tell him I say hey.
Featured image via Spin