The 6 Types of People in Line at Urban Outfitters

According to their LinkedIn, Urban Outfitters is an “eclectic lifestyle retailer”.

I like to think that if you took a blender and threw in some velvet, a handful of broken zippers, a healthy does of irony and Will Smith’s closet from the late 1990s, the result would be Urban Outfitters. But this description may not be succinct enough for a LinkedIn bio.

So, here are a few concise profiles of several of store’s “eclectic” patrons:

Note: All clothing references are actual items sold at the Outfitters. I couldn’t make this stuff up. I’m not that clever.

1. The Couple That Looks Like They Just Stepped Out of a Wes Anderson Film

They don’t talk very much, but they communicate through sideways glances and elongated sighs. Everything they walk by appears sepia toned. She is wearing oxfords with knee socks and he is in a tweed blazer, possibly a shipman’s cap. It’s everything you want in a relationship: a communal kick-ass fashion sense and a shared apathy towards the world and all who inhabit it.

2. The Guy with the Ironic Facial Hair

These kitschy 20-something males hit puberty… hard. From muttonchops to Van Dykes, they look like they should be discussing Descartes in a late 19th century literary salon as opposed to shopping for a kitten collage tank top. Though they are a generally jovial bunch, be particularly wary of the guy with the handlebar mustache. He is easy to identify since he looks like the villain from an old-timey 1930s silent film. When in the presences of this tongue-in-cheek troublemaker, know your surroundings and locate the nearest exists, because the instant you let your guard down is the moment that he and his mustache will tie you to a set of train tracks only to be saved by Douglas Fairbanks, who has equally ridiculous facial hair.

3. The Second Guesser

“Will I ever wear this acid wash croptop/ rainbow suspenders/ Dole Pineapple t-shirt dress/ brown velvet overalls?” The answer is always going to be “no,” but you sure as hell can still try.

4. The Girl Who is OVER IT

This girl is easily the scariest person in the store (possibly in the entire world). She can pull off EVERYTHING. Unicorn emblazoned denim vest? Done. Polka dot clogs? Not even a question. She impatiently stands in line wearing intentionally ripped tights underneath her Levi cutoffs, tapping the tow of her platform patent leather sneakers and groaning in her Spiderman print button up as the rest of us philistines attempt to rise to her unattainable standard of campy style.

5. The Nervous Mother

In ascending order of adolescent outerwear maturity, you start your consumerist climb at Abercrombie (maybe making a minor detour at Hollister for the summer months) then your pubescent punk attitude directs you towards the skater-boy loving world of Tilly’s. Once you realize that neon stripes and angst do not compliment your skin tone, you move onto the fiscally alluring Forever 21, because you are an economically conscious fourteen year old. Then you start developing what you consider to be a particularly exemplary sense of humor and your journey comes to an end in the unnecessary hats section of Urban Outfitters. Mothers know how to shop for their kids right up to those Forever 21 days, but the overtly sardonic world of Urban is too much to handle for any sensible parent. They stand in line as they try to decide which Lisa Frank muscle tee their child wants for his/her seventeenth birthday, questioning their parenting decisions and hating that it has come to this.

6. The Person Who Spends All of their Time Reading Books and Never Buys Anything

This individual never actually enters the checkout line, but they are nonetheless an integral fixture in the Urban Outfitters ecosystem. As soon they enter, this shopper immediately makes a beeline for the sarcastic books, and an hour and a half later they leave the store with a rejuvenated sense of cynicism. These literary treasures, which include “Feminist Ryan Gosling” and “A Pug’s Etiquette,” would make even Ernest Hemmingway giggle like a battle-hardened schoolgirl. Wilde and Austen are happy to know that these illustrious works are the 21st Century successors to their satirical prose.

Featured image via space15twenty.

  • Tali Stein

    I’m that last one, although I buy stuff. Half my gifts to friends are sarcastic books. UO and Kitson – places I regularly walk into to ignore the clothes and spend time flipping through books that I would never buy for myself but regularly buy for other people.

  • Malia McGoldrick

    The girl from Hawaii. There is no Urban Outfitters here.

  • Agnese Russo

    May I add one type? I am “The person who met her rock star idol the first time she stepped into an Urban Outfitters and now wanders through the shops in search of another chance to say something really stupid to him”.
    I know this is completely personal, but to me Urban Outfitters will always mean my first day in the US and the first (it may not be the last, I still haven’t given up my wandering days) time I talked to Billie Joe Armstrong.

  • Olga Patricia Granados

    You missed the girl who only shops the sale section and comes out with useless trinkets for the home and knit hats in the middle of summer after having eye-shopped the rest of the store from top to bottom. completely unrelated to actual events…

  • Kristen Lena Pate

    I want to be part of the Wes Anderson Couple….

  • Bekah Freeman

    The business girl/art school graduate who still works in the awesome ripped tanks and leggings and such with her pencil skirt? Every time I go, Im still in my work clothes.

  • Michela Carlson

    This is also includes most Boston Vintage clothing stores and (everybody from 1.-4.) at a thrift shop. 😛

  • Stefan Lee

    the girl who can’t spell spider-man

    • Mia Galuppo

      I have actually not been this embarrassed in a long while. I apologize to Peter Parker, Miles Morales, Stan Lee, Steve Ditko and to all who have read the amazing/ultimate series, including you Stefan. I have failed you all.

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