Going to the movies is often a lame experience; chatterheads and loud laughers, bright-displayed texters and crying babies, seat-kickers and general hooligans infest.
But one thing rules about going to the movies: the snacks.
And no matter how hard you try to be nice, in the end, some things are objectively better than others. Here are the six best movie theater snacks, the only ones you should be eating, and the one worst movie theater snack, the consumption of which is unforgivable.
The candy that uses another candy as a topping! Called ‘nonpareils’ by people who buy generic and the French, the experience of eating Sno-Caps is worth getting those little colored balls stuck in your molars for hours after.
2. Big-Ass Soft Hot Pretzel
Salty, chewy, carby, warm, a hot pretzel is best eaten in A. a German bierhall or B. on a New York City street, but in a movie theater will totally do.
Not only are they delicious, but they’re also fun to hit your friends with. When Wonder Woman appears in the new Superman movie, you can play along with a candy whip! Also don’t call them Red Vines, please.
4. Junior Mints
These are great because that stuff in the center is basically toothpaste, so you can eat them instead of brushing your teeth!
So delicious that they only problem with using them as your movie snack is that they probably won’t even make it through the previews, leaving you snackless and alone.
Duh. Popcorn is to movie theater snacks what hydrogen is to elements. The definition of ‘human being’ should be “an animal with bipedal locomotion, a well-developed neocortex, that likes popcorn.”
And then the worst snack of all time:
I hate nothing more than I hate Dippin’ Dots. I think about it all the time; every once in a while I’ll be peacefully walking down the street and ‘Dippin’ Dots’ will pop into my head and I’ll just get super angry. As a lower-middle-class straight white man one of the biggest problems in my life is that there exists a dessert I do not like.
Dippin’ Dots, these little frozen balls of misery, bill themselves as ‘the ice cream of the future,’ but I would never want to live in the future that Dippin’ Dots are the ice cream of.
Screw The Hunger Games, forget Brave New World, the greatest dystopia ever written is that little piece of copy, calling the worst invention of all time “the ice cream of the future.”
They think they’re so cool coming out of their own vending machine, but they’re only put in there because Dippin’ Dots are so fickle they need to be kept in a special vending machine, so the creators of Dippin’ Dots are suggesting that the future is a terribly inconvenient place.
And Dippin’ Dots aren’t dead either, the company made like, $30 million in 2011, but since they are so damned expensive, that’s like four things of Dippin’ Dots.
I trust no one who likes Dippin’ Dots, and neither should you.
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