I am no expert on love; in fact, I’m probably as far away from being an expert as anyone can be. If love was like Olympic swimming, I’d be the girl chilling in the pool with her orange floaties on, wondering what the hell she’s doing in the big leagues/Instagramming pics of Ryan Lotche with my waterproof iPhone case, specifically bought should I ever get an opportunity to take pictures of Ryan Lotche underwater.
Love Yoda, I am not. But unrequited love Jedi? Well, let’s just say “the force” is strong when it comes to my ability to fall head over heels in love with guys who have done little more than smile at me.
And so, in honor of the ancient and timeless ritual of falling in crush with someone who is either:
a) WAYYYYY out of your league (aka Ryan Gosling)
b) a nice-guy tease luring you further and further into the friend-zone before he crushes your innocent unicorn heart
c) a normal guy who just doesn’t like you
d) a straight up jerk
I thought I, the unrequited love Jedi master, should highlight for all us single ladies the 3 underrated advantages of unrequited love.
1. You can be as creepy as you want to be: Because your love is a secret, no one knows about it (except of course all of your friends, anyone who has a brain and your actual crush). Anyway, by principle at least your unrequited love is supposedly a secret, meaning you are free to be a whack-a-doo in your spare time, doodling your first name and his last name in steam from the shower, spending
hours and hours “minutes” Facebook stalking him and finally, having conversations with cats, dogs and woodland creatures about what to name your future children.
Example: Helga Pataki and her insanely outrageous gum statue of her one true love, Football Head, aka Arnold.
2. You have something to do with your time: There’s nothing worse than sitting around your house wondering what the heck you should do to pass the time. Yes, you could rewatch your favorite Dawson’s Creek episode for the fifteenth time, but then again you did that last night, so maybe change would be good. But never fear, because when you’re blinded by love, you always have something to do, someone to daydream about and many productive hours to lose on gchat. I think Mr. Bennett of Pride & Prejudice sums it up the best when he says to Lizzie, “A girl likes to be crossed in love every now and then; it gives her something to think of, a sort of distinction amongst her companions”. #truth Papa B, #truth.
Example: Meg Ryan in pretty much every rom-com ever. Here she is daydreaming about Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle.
3. You have time to plot your “I’m a hottie now” makeover: Do you want sweet revenge on the boy who never realized you were “the one that got away”, but don’t have the time and patience to plot, scheme and look like Emily Vancamp on Revenge? Well, your prayers are answered, because I happen to know the secret to the best revenge of all time, and it’s simple. Stop thinking about the boys/girls who are silly enough to not recognize how great you are and start thinking about yourself. I know we’ve all been trained to believe that being hot (aka taking off your glasses and magically becoming beautiful) is the best revenge you can get on a crush/ex, but what they don’t tell you is the best revenge is loving yourself so much that you don’t care if that boy/girl likes you or not.
I apologize if this ish just got real and you now feel uncomfortably confident in yourself. I will go back to being hilariously sarcastic in 3….2….1. There, I’m back.
Example: Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. “She’s not Josie Grosie anymore!” Good for you, Drew.
Jokes and Jedis aside, I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is a silver lining to every cloud,even the dark ominous cloud of unrequited love. So keep on keeping on, you romantic die hards, because if you think unrequited love is hard, just wait until you have to be in an actual relationship (from what Gossip Girl has taught me, love isn’t always pancakes and puppies).