The 23 Year Old Virgin
by Heather Taylor
I was really nervous to write this article because by writing it, I’m revealing one of the biggest secrets I have about myself to an audience of x amount of people. A secret that society has taught me is not okay for a girl my age to have. But I am me and I like that girl. She’s ambitious and hard-working and has her eyes on the prize. She likes to be honest and open when she writes and tries her very best to be a strong role model to her siblings, friends and even just people she’s only known in passing. She loves and hurts and bruises and giggles just as much as anyone else, despite her sometimes unapproachable veneer.
She’s me and I am a virgin. As in, never had sex virgin.
Up until this moment, only my very best friends were aware of this fact. And whether I was in high school or college, they were always flabbergasted. Whaaaaaat? You are?! How?? Yep! That’s me. The surprise was always because they knew I had done stuff with guys – gotten pretty far, but just not to that point. It’s one of those I’ve done everything but scenarios. Out here, especially for La La Land, it was almost unheard of. I’m an endangered species or mythical, like a unicorn.
Sex was never something I saw myself waiting until marriage for or just not doing because of religious reasons. I wanted to wait until I had this little thing called love on my side. I wanted to be in love with the guy first. I wanted him to love me back, for all of my flaws and issues and silliness and I wouldn’t settle for anything else. The older I got and keep getting, it feels almost like it’s a joke to keep with such a heart-driven vow. But for every night where I’ve been intoxicated and almost let myself slip, my heart always rescued me in the nick of time. No! Don’t do it – he won’t call you and won’t remember. Your memories will be blurry if even at that. Keep waiting.
Somehow, no matter how close to gone I’ve been, my heart has always been the loudest voice I heard – and listened to.
I thought I had love in college once. That one was the one who broke my heart the hardest. The break was divided neatly into two parts: the first real sting of a really real relationship ending and the other part was that I could not have done anything to stop it. I could have comprised my beliefs for him. He wanted to have sex without a condom. His excuse was that he didn’t like wearing them. At the time, I wasn’t on birth control and terrified at what the consequences for me could have been. I could have gotten pregnant. Or worse, contracted a venereal disease (I didn’t know anything about his past partners except that he told me he had over 10 girlfriends in the past). I told him I wanted to wait but that wasn’t what he wanted to hear and the relationship ended before it had a chance to grow into something more. He broke up with me before we even had a chance to have sex. I’ll never know what might have happened between us if I had agreed to what he wanted, but I know deep down I would never have. My heart was too loud and this time, my mind was fighting furiously alongside it. I got out of that relationship with a big hurt weighing on me for the rest of my senior year but the overall trade-off of getting to keep my v-card made me victorious in the long run and beyond proud that I stuck to my convictions, despite their unpopularity with him. It would have hurt me more to know that my first time would have been with someone who actually told me that I better not fall in love with him.
For anyone reading this, I don’t want you to be fooled by what society or your best friend or classmates tell you. This is not The 40 Year Old Virgin. If you wait, you shouldn’t feel ashamed or left out or like you have a problem or that something is wrong with you. You are you and you should only decide to have sex when you know you are absolutely ready and even better, when you’re with the person you truly love and who loves you back just as much. If people make fun of you or pressure you into thinking otherwise or if you wind up lying about it just to fit in or to get everyone off your back, just don’t. And screw all of those people. They don’t know what’s really going on and don’t need to. Your truest friends will not do that to you. They won’t force you to tell them your personal business if you don’t want to. My best friends are incredibly understanding and even shared their own stories of how they lost their virginity. I know none of them would ever judge me or look down on me for waiting, no matter what, just as I will never judge them for anything in their romantic past. And while I’m at it telling you to wait for love, I get not wanting to wait too. It’s hard to wait. Hormones make it near to impossible sometimes. Just make sure that you stay safe and use a condom and take birth control. Being a Teen Mom when you are 16 is not cool, despite what MTV says.
I’m not so nervous now after writing this out. Feels good to get it all off of my chest. It is so different from what I usually write about because I’m really famous for keeping my personal life under wraps and not making it something that everybody within earshot knows (or cares to know) about. I wanted to write about sex and being a virgin for a long time. Never in a way that would be preachy or anti-sex either. Just a true life story from a very real girl who has been there and will continue to be there for awhile. I know I’ll have sex one day in the future and love will sweep me off of my feet, but in the meantime I’ll focus on what I want to get out of life for myself and keep working hard because those are currently my biggest priorities. I hope my next relationship takes me by complete surprise too- spontaneous love! But from here on out I’m not going to be worried about capping it off at a certain age when I should have lost my virginity. It’s different for everybody. Gisele Bundchen didn’t lose hers until she was 22 and Tina Fey lost hers at 24 and look at them now! Fabulous, fierce women, both of ‘em.
And then there are Emma Stone’s words of advice from the film Easy A. If you don’t feel like taking my advice, she’s got some words of wisdom when it comes to sex too. “I really like this guy. I might even lose my virginity to him. I don’t know. When it will happen you know maybe 5 minutes from now, tonight or six months from now or maybe on our wedding night, the really amazing thing is, it is nobody’s goddamn business.”
Preach it sister, preach.
See more posts from Heather
08.30.2011 |
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I think that society shouldn’t judge you on whether or not you still hold the V card. And good for you for being courageous enough to write this article! You should lose it whenever you’re ready, not because some sweaty, badly-shaven youth pressured you into it
I just want to say first off, I think it’s so awesome that you had the courage to put this out. I am 21 and still a virgin too. I always felt like I was the only one with this problem! Even though obviously I am not, there are a lot of people in their 20′s still virgins. However, reading this it gave me reassurance I’m not alone. I feel like now I shouldn’t be embarrassed about it anymore. Thank you so much. This really made me feel better about it.
I think its great for you to put yourself out there and say it, but I think society sucks because you had ever felt ashamed or like you had to keep your virginity a secret. I have always been very open about the fact that I am a virgin and maybe its because the majority of my friends are from church environments after sophomore year of high school I never had anyone tease me or anything, but I know its now always like that
I am a 31-year-old virgin, and proud of it! My reasoning is a religious one, but even it wasn’t, I would definitely wait for love. Good on you for holding fast to your conviction and not allowing societal pressure cheat you of a very special moment in your life.
As a guy in the same boat (well, I’ll be 26 in a few weeks, not 23, but ANYWHO…), and in the military, I get (from a testosterone-laden perspective) where you’re coming from. I’m pretty sure you nailed it on the head with, “I’m an endangered species, or mythical, like a unicorn.” More the endangered species bit than the unicorn bit, well, more like 51%-49%. Especially in the military, our “society” is so transient, so on the move, so “I don’t know what tomorrow’s gonna bring” that sex is severely devalued and underappreciated. Then again, that’s 21st-Century society in general, I don’t have a corner market on that. For us it’s like, “Well damn, I’m going to (insert country full of people who want to blow you up for various reasons here), so I should go get drunk, run around, and have sex!
For me, it’s a religious thing, but it’s also a life-experience thing too. There are so few things in life that have a true, perspective altering, life enhancing (or destructing, depending on your experience) “First Time”. And that’s why I’m waiting. Sex is something I can only do for the first time, one time, and then I’m not a virgin anymore. So I’m holding on to that. In an esoteric sense it’s like a gift, and I’m keeping it under wraps.
Whelp, I hear stuff going boom, and that’s my siren song. Later all!
For lack of a better phrase, you’re “preaching to the choir” haha. I’m about to turn 23 and I’m still a virgin as well, and it may sound weird but I had a similar experience with a guy in college. I’m so thankful that you decided to write this article because it’s been hard for me to talk about this around friends who aren’t my nearest and dearest. Some of them think that virginity is something you should “get over” so that you can move freely onto having more casual relations and honestly, that makes me sad. It’s a personal choice, and whatever the reason may be, people who love you should ultimately stand by and respect that. In my mind, it’s something that you will remember, just like a first date or a first kiss, so why not do it with someone who truly loves you? Plus, it’s better to be a unicorn. Thank you so much!
I’m also 23 and also a virgin. It started as purely a religious thing from when I was younger and attending a Christian school, but it means a lot more to me now. I actually knew a guy who saved his first kiss for his wedding day and hearing him talk about it was very inspirational.
I, for the exact same reasons as you, was a virgin until I was 22. I gave that gift to the guy I had been dating off &on since I was 19. I was head over heels for him &he loved me back. I am now 26 and will be marrying him this saturday!!!
I’m not saying everyone should marry the person they lose it with, I’m just saying I’m incredibly happy and proud to say that the only man I have and will ever have sex with is going to be my husband:)
*not saying everyone should (0r will) marry*
You go girl! 27 year old virgin, I watch the Focus Features Pride and Prejudice where Charlotte Lucas and Lizzie get into a fight “I’m 27 Lizzie! Don’t judge me!” And for women here and now, we don’t have those pressures forcing us into decisions. I, like you, have this little voice in my head/heart saying “Not yet, you want it to be for true love.” None of my boyfriends have dumped me for not doing it, so there are good guys out there who won’t force the issue. Thanks for this post!
Love this! Thank you for sharing!
Twenty-one year old virgin who hasn’t even kissed a boy. Not for any reason in particular, just slight shyness and the simple fact of not having met anyone worth kissing yet! I am not a party girl and I strongly dislike clubbing, so there’ve been no drunken kisses.
I am in Australia and while I think being a virgin in your twenties is possibly a smidge more common than in the USA, many of my friends are not virgins. One of my closest friends even sat me down last year, at the age of 21, and told me she was engaged and pregnant. The pregnancy was planned. While I respect that it is her life to live, I did suddenly feel very young. Even though mentally, I am just as mature. Objectively, many would probably say I am more responsible. Also, this engagement and pregnancy was not with the first boy she had slept with, and I felt a little like she had already lived a whole life, while mine had not even begun yet.
Another friend sometimes censors what she says, thinking I will be offended due to being a virgin. I am talking about things not even sex related, things like swearing etc. I don’t get that at all. Another friend once said ‘you wouldn’t understand, you’ve never been in love’ when I asked her something about her relationship. That is not totally sex related, but somehow I doubt she would have said that if I were not a virgin. Whether or not that hypothetical sex had been with someone I was in love with.
Thank you for writing this article and sharing your story and your thoughts. You rock.
I LOVE YOU. You just said it all! I’m 24 and I pretty much want to be in love with the guy for my first time too. I don’t think it’s strange. And I don’t think sex is some kind of weird sacred thing. It’s just something that I really wanted, you know? To do it with someone I loved and trusted. I don’t need that love to last forever, I just want it to be there for that moment in time. Honestly. I love you for writing this.
I really love this post because like you, I was in my twenties and a virgin. This has changed within the last year because I felt comfortable, happy, and safe. I always needed to know that should something happen, the guy would not walk away from me. Even more than that, I always thought to myself that there are thousands of girls out there who DON’T get to decide when they lose their virginity–it’s stolen from them, so who am I to just give mine away so quickly? I personally felt it was disrespectful to those who lost the opportunity to choose that perfect time with the perfect guy for me to settle for anything less than perfection. And if you couldn’t tell from the comments, there are so many more of us out there than the media will EVER admit to us. When I first got to college I was judged, but I didn’t let that change anything, and I am so happy I waited. <3 I really respect you for your choices and for this article.
You go girl! 24 and still with the V Card
You are not alone!
“I’m a unicorn…” Community much?
We can be unicorns together!
You are amazing
Losing your virginity to someone you love is the most amazing thing, but also, sex in general is really only good when it is with someone you love (or so I believe). So waiting is WAY worth it, and I am glad you already seem to know that 
Great article! I think that you are extremely brave to post this, I remember when I was in college I was still a virgin and went through the same snide comments on to why I was still a virgin … I like you felt uncomfortable, sometimes these comments made me wonder why ;and at times would begin to think that something was wrong with me. But lucky me I didn’t get to lose my v-card in college to a pot smoking loser. LOL Well not all of them were the same… But I lost my virginity at 24 going on 25. And I did it because I wanted to, not because anybody was pressuring me to do it, and I’m glad that I waited .. So you just wait your time will come. It’s like I tell one of my bff’s who is also a virgin : ” Someday you’ll meet somebody who may not be the love of your life but will be somebody special enough to deserve your virginity.”
Thanks for this! I’m 23 and still a virgin too. It truly is nobody’s business when we decide to lose our virginity but our own
.
I was 26, and the only thing I regret was not waiting a little longer! Good for you for staying true to yourself
I gave my virginity to someone I loved when I was 23. We’re not together now (I’m 25) but I don’t regret it. It comes down to making the right choice for yourself and for me, it was a beautiful experience.
YOU GO, GIRL.
Same boat. 23!
Not a virgin, but practically should be reconsidered for holy status. I am a single mom, and my friends say I need to go out and just get laid, but I cannot bring myself to have meaningless sex. I will continue to wait until I find someone who I think is worthy.
Thank you for writing this. It’s hard not to feel like a complete freak at times. But obviously you aren’t alone given the many, many fellow virgins who have posted. I’m sure there are many others who haven’t posted, but are thanking you for your honesty. Signed a 26-year-old unicorn
Thank you so much for posting this. I’m a very mature and strong woman, but sometimes I stop and wonder if there really is something wrong with me for being a virgin at 22. I feel like there’s hardly anyone I can comfortably talk about it with, because the majority of my friends are sexually active and don’t understand my point of view on the topic. Why, I was even reading a New York Times book review the other day and one grating sentence really upset me – that the main protagonist was “19 years old and *still* a virgin.” As if that’s something to be ashamed about. Sometimes things like that make me doubt myself.
I really needed this to make me confident in my personal life choice. Young girls need to read and hear things like this more often. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!
Heather! This was so wonderful!
First off, you are a talented writer with such an amazing voice. I could hear and feel your words as if you were saying them to me over coffee.
You are so brave for putting yourself out there and I am proud to know you.
Thank you for this article! (I cried a bit)
-Samantha
P.S. Thanks for “liking” my tumblr posts, you and Jasmine seem to be the only ones reading them hehe.
You’re my hero…. that is all =]
I lost my virginity when I was 18, just before my 19th birthday, which was my deadline. When I was in high school, none of my friends were virgins, so I lied and said I wasn’t either, and then proceeded to date two closeted gay guys. But it started to seem pathetic, even if no one knew, to be a 19-year-old virgin, so I slept with my boyfriend. We’d been dating for five months and I really, really liked him and he was so sweet. But shortly after we slept together, he broke up with me (the night we were out celebrating my birthday). Nice. I told him it seemed like everything changed when we slept together and he said, “yeah, I guess I liked the chase.” I never really regretted sleeping with him. In a way I was glad it was over with, but I applaud you for your convictions and I’m glad you wrote this so other young women don’t feel like a bunch of weirdos.
Thank you for writing this! You really touched my heart and reminded me that the only person’s opinion on this subject that matters is your own.
Okay, so I never really figured virginity to be too big of a deal. I wasn’t raised religiously and I always assumed I’d have sex with someone one day, no bigs. A lot of people I know swore they’d wait until marriage but they all “lost it” before me and were unmarried to boot. I waited until after high school, at least. Sex is a big deal, don’t get me wrong but I never wanted to put too much pressure on it, either way. I wanted it to happen when it happened. I guess I didn’t love the person I did end up sleeping with. I liked him, sure, but it was kind of a summer romance and summer was over. I haven’t seen him since- but I think about him a lot (well, maybe a couple times a week, maybe.) Sometimes I wish I had waited until I was in love but I also think it was a wildly-romantic-summery-love-decision and I don’t regret it at all. I didn’t do it to “keep” him like some of my high school friends, I did it because that’s what I felt like doing. How I felt was the most important part of my decision. I am very proud to hear your story. I think it’s amazing. Good for you. Sex, while a big deal, does not a relationship make. I love my boyfriend now but do I wish I was a virgin? Not really. I feel so weird sharing this…we’re all BFFs right, no judgement?
Heather, love what you wrote. Last year I lost my viginty when I was 23, last year. I married the love of my life, and lost the v-card.
I am so happy to know that he got to have that part of me, and I got to truely express my love for him by waiting. Thanks for sharing. It encourgaed me, and I know it will encourage others. 
Hi, I just wanted to say that you’re doing it well: if you’re not sure, if you don’t love the person or you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it. Well, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell this to you, but I just felt like doing it.
I lost my virginity when I was 15 (3 years ago) with my boyfriend of 6 months in that moment. Actually we broke up this April after 3 years and 6 months of relationship, but we still friends and don’t regret anything. I have friends of my age that lost their virginities with their boyfriends and then broke up a few months after, they all said that they regret doing it with them… Because it wasn’t with love. I’m not saying that if you have love you’ll last all your life with him, but when there’s love, things are easier. I’m talking of my own experience, so I know it’s true.
I’m kind of beating about the bush, so thanks to share your life with us and take care~
Don’t forget to be happy!
xx
Thank you for posting this! I, too, still have my v-card at age 22 (I turn 23 in a couple weeks) and it’s comforting to see that I’m not the only one in the world. I’ve been saving myself for the same reasons you have, and as impatient as I can get sometimes, I haven’t budged. Everyone else I know who is waiting is waiting for religious reasons, which is awesome, but I can’t relate to it. So thank you so much for writing this article, you have such a strong, clear voice and I look forward to hearing it more.
It’s so amazing first reading this article, planning out a comment, and then seeing that almost all the other comments echo what I want to say! This is awesome…and yeah, I was a virgin until age 21. Didn’t have my first kiss until I was 20. My first kiss ended up being more meaningful than the first time I had sex, but still–I’m very happy I waited for both.
Preach! I am19 and a virgin. I’ve never even been truly kissed and people look at me like I’m crazy and tell me that sex is amazing. I’m sure it is but to me it will be even more amazing with someone that I love. Now, my reasons are religious so I am waiting until I’m married. This means I’ll be getting these looks of disbelief for a while, but I’m okay with that because I know it will be worth the wait.
I didn’t have my first kiss until after I graduated high school (I was quiet and didn’t date…I was too shy). My “friends” teased me endlessly for being a complete and total virgin. I even got the lovely moniker “Virgin Mary”. Every time we went to a party, my friend Jesse would announce to the crowd that I was a virgin and needed to get laid. I got over being shy pretty quick because of that, and then because I wouldn’t “give it up” I was labeled a tease. I always said I was waiting until I got married to have sex, but truth be told I think I was waiting until I was in love. I am happy to say that I did. The only guy I have ever had sex with is my now ex-husband. And you know what, I am damn proud of the fact that I have only had sex with one guy. I was never ashamed of being a virgin, I actually felt sorry for my friends who weren’t. Sex complicates things and they always seemed to have so much end-of-the-world drama in their lives in regards to men. And it is for that exact reason that I am waiting until I am in a loving and committed relationship before I have sex again. Sex is a powerful, bonding union. It is an expression of love so strong that it has the potential to create life and bond you to another person for the rest of your natural life! I feel it should not be entered in to lightly. It is perfectly ok to wait and society shouldn’t make any of us, male or female, feel like there is something wrong with us because we want to wait to have sex.
yup! i was 20, and to all my friends, it was RIDICULOUS, especially all my college friends. when i was younger it was a religious thing set by my parents, but my dad was EXTREME, he didn’t even want me to kiss a guy till i was married (lol, yeah, not quite, but it didn’t happen till i was 18), but as i got older and graduated i realized i was an extreme romantic and i were to give all of myself – intimately, emotionally, physically – that i could never get that back, and i would be so attached that the heartbreak would be much much worse. i had boyfriends who were both understanding and not so much, and there was light fooling around and all that, but i waited….i wasn’t sure what exactly i was waiting for, but i knew i’d know it when it was time. SURE ENOUGH! i met this guy when i was 20 and three months later, i knew, without a doubt! he was an absolute gentleman about it, and shortly after that i moved in with him (and his parents), three years later after we saved up enough money and the time was right, we married, and have been married for two years this september
and i’m the happiest woman ever with my amazing man! <3 so i say, wait for it, you'll know without a shadow of a doubt when the time is right…not just for him, but for you, and definitely for you BOTH.
I am nearly fifty years old now and from my personal perspective, sex is over-rated and it will often ruin a good friendship, that’s what happened when I had sex for the first time, I traded a friendly connection for something that took over my imagination 24/7 for a long time, until I hit mid life and now it’s just boring.
First of all, I am soo glad that you wrote this article! I just turned 20 and I am still one too. The only one of all of my friends. Reading your article was like reading my own life. I thought I was in love once my senior year and he broke up with me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. It is a terrible feeling, he actually made me feel guilty that I hadn’t. But now I realize that you should be in love and know that that someone loves and respects you. Or else it’s not worth it. I am so glad to read this and to read these other comments and see that I am not the only one who believes in these things. It’s always seemed to be an issue with guys I’ve dated, but I am still hopeful that that one special guy will come along. Thank you so much for writing this article!!!
19, still a virgin and proud of it
I don’t want to ruin it, and to be honest, at the moment I think I’m gonna wait til I get married. I feel like virginity’s a value, that teaches us to wait, to be patient, and to appreciate the person we’re with in a more total way. Also, it is indeed an act of love that will one day create a family.
Oh my gosh, I was reading your post and was surprised to find tears sliding down my cheeks. I could have written it. I’ll be 23 in a few months and while I’ve done some stuff with guys and girls, I’m still the scarlet V. I was in love in college too, a beautiful, goofy boy but he wanted more than I was ready to give and I had to let him go. I sincerely wish I could hug you through a computer screen because this makes me feel much better about my own little secret v-card. Thank you!
I’m proud of you.
It seems like society teaches us that thing is not okay for a girl in any age to have.
So, who cares.
I hope I will be able to teach my kids those things some day
Wish the best love!
I really respect you for having the courage to write this article (even though it shouldn’t be something couragious, it should be considered normal). I DO want to say though, even though I made sure my first time was with someone I loved at that time, it’s not that big of a deal. And with this I don’t mean you should throw away your values and beliefs, but realize that your first time may not be everything you hope it’ll be, even with love involved.
I think being judgmental on both sides is what needs to end. Stop the judgment. There is nothing wrong with women who’ve had sex by age 23 and there is nothing wrong with women who haven’t. End of story. So I think it’s pretty lame that someone is writing an article about not having sex because they feel society has left them out. I disagree. I think its pretty common to not have had sex by age 23, (hence the comment thread). But what needs to stop is the hatred on one side or the other. Good for you, Heather Taylor, and everyone else for not having sex because thats what has made you comfortable, but good for the women who’ve had sex too because thats what made them feel comfortable and society no longer is oppressive to women’s sexuality.
This is so wonderful to read. I lost my virginity at age 20. I was an incredibly shy teenager, always overlooked for my prettier, more confident friends. Being a virgin bothered me for the longest time, and it got to the stage where I felt like I’d jump in bed with anybody, but I couldn’t seem to give it away. Looking back now, I reckon I could’ve lured someone into bed, but my heart wasn’t really in it. By the time I got to University, I had sort of embraced my virginity. I didn’t feel like I needed to be in love with the guy, but it needed to be someone who would show me respect, and wouldn’t leave me regretting it. In the end, I lost my virginity to a wonderful guy who I swiftly fell for. 6 years later, we’re still together, and he’s the only person I’ve slept with. Do I think about the other people I could have hooked up with in 6 years? Sure, but I would not for a second give up what I have for a little more sexual experience. What makes me feel a little sad, is that my friends don’t know when I lost my virginity, and I don’t want to tell them. Sure, it’s none of their business, but it sucks that even after 6 years I still feel a stigma attached to the fact I was beyond my teens when I first had sex.
I respect the opinions of people who don’t engage in sex for personal convictions. What I don’t get is why so many are worried/ afraid that their partners will hurt them or leave them or that something terrible will happen to them after they have sex and therefore postpone it. Losing your virginity is not different from all the other things you do for the first time, so I don’t see why risking a little pain or disappointment seems so awful as to not even give it a try. Sex won’t make you a different person, either, it will just give you a new experience and (maybe) a new perspective.
I was really glad to read this post, and even more glad to read that so many ladies have waited (or are waiting). I threw away my V card at 22, right after graduating from college, because I figured, “eh, it’s time.” I wasn’t in love, but it was the right time. I’ve always had “Peter Pan Syndrome” and don’t like growing up (Yay, Michael Jackson much?). And at almost 29, I realized that sex comes with a whole ‘nother set of worries that make life more complicated. I’m gonna YouTube “2 Stupid Dogs” now. Love ya!
I LOVED this post! especially because I felt so related to it…I think no one should be forced to do anything because of what others will think, we just have to be responsable for our choices, sex requires some responsability because they are consecuences, so it shouldn’t be treated as lightly as it is treated today(no judgment here, I just think if you take it lightly you should face the consequences if for example you get pregnant…). People who really love us will respect us for our choices and stick with us til the end. GO GIRL! thanks for sharing!
I’m 25 years old and still a virgin. A girl who has never had a boyfriend nor any guy friends. I thought for years this was some terrible thing, until recently. I know what I want and who I want and now is not the right time. I’m here in this life for myself and not anyone else. I think more power to us, we don’t have to live my the world’s standards..
You speak the truth! I’m on that same boat, and the more I’ve waited, the more I’ve realized that I’m glad I didn’t just give it up to get it overwith when I was younger. It’s something that should happen when 2 people really do care about and respect eachother (aka love). So it goes with that that I say it’s love then sex. Not the other way around.
I feel like there is this overlying theme in society that hints “IDGAF” is the perfect and most acceptable response to everything. Its a cool thing to not care at all and to be flippant about every circumstance. However, that’s ludicrous. It’s far braver to have a stance and be committed to it. It takes courage to stick to your guns, courage to listen to that heart pain that tells you something about this isn’t right and therefore i shall keep waiting even though it’s not the easiest thing to do. And courage to write about it, so thank you.
I’m 21 and still a virgin! I have always felt “behind the curve” of some of my friends, but considering I’ve yet to have a boyfriend, and have only ever kissed 2 guys, I know it’s not something I’m ready for yet! I don’t find anything wrong with this. You are awesome! Thanks SO much!
<3
Thanks for being brave enough to be so honest in this post! I’m 24 and still a virgin. I’m not waiting for marriage, and honestly I’d like to be able to say I’m not a virgin anymore, mostly because I feel outside pressure; even doctors give you a strange look if you answer the question, “Are you sexually active?” with a “no.” But that doesn’t mean I’m going to jump into bed with any random guy either. I’m going to wait until I feel comfortable/safe and really care about the guy I’m with.
Good for you! One of my closest male friends is also 23 and a virgin. All of his friends keep trying to “help him out” because “he just needs to do it already”. But he doesn’t want to! He’s a virgin by choice. He has very strong feelings for a girl and he told her that he wants her to be his first. Which is adorable. It hasn’t been right so far so he hasn’t done it yet. I’ve had sex with the wrong person a few times and that could have screwed a lot of things up. Hopefully you and my friend won’t have to go through that, and that is pretty freaking awesome.
Thanks so much. 28 and in the same boat, and definitely thought I was the only one!
i started referring to myself as a “unicorn” a few years ago when i got the “wow, that’s so rare…but cool” comments. – 26 year old unicorn
YES! Thank you! I’m 27 and definitely still in the V club.
First of all – thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. As you can see, you’ve paved the way for a lot of us to respond back with ours!
I was 20 when I lost my virginity. It wasn’t with someone I loved, but I was 100% okay with that. I knew myself, I knew my body and my mind, and I was ready for sex. I wanted my first time to be nice enough, but didn’t delude myself that it had to be this grandiose, life-changing, idealised event. (It rarely is anyway! A little painful, actually.) I took charge and ended up spending the night with a friend, someone who was by no means a virgin, and therefore someone I knew would be able to treat me properly (he had a bit of a reputation!) and could make sure I had a nice time. It was good, I’m glad it happened that way.
It isn’t that I was tired of waiting, or feeling hopeless or jealous, it’s just that I knew it was time for me, and I kind of wanted to get it over with, you know? To not have it be an issue anymore, even though not many of my friends were having sex either. And, as it happens, about a month later I found myself in a great relationship with the amazing man who still loves me today! The fact that I’d had sex already, and with someone I didn’t even love, didn’t faze him at all. In the end, it worked out well. and I’m rather proud of how in control I felt of my virginity.
Hats off to all the brave, virgin unicorns here!! Lost mine at 19 and I think I was the last one in my group of friends. I never understood the rush and I’m happy I waited as long as I did. You are courageous souls, be proud!
i feel like everything i wanted to say has already been said. as i get older the more i want to wait. i’ve never been in love and what’s the point otherwise besides satisfying some carnal urges. i’m happy with who i am and there are still other priorities that exist in my life and i don’t care what it is that people think that i’m supposed to do…
the older i get, the more i realize what a beautiful innocence i still have and the man who deserves it has yet to come. the one i thought i truly loved and still believe i do never pressured me but we were too young. if we work out in the future, he will have me on our wedding night. i want to proudly wear the white dress and feel beautiful inside and out. i love everything you had to say. this is very powerful of you!
Twenty-four and still holding strong. It bothers me a lot when I hear people make comments that imply being a virgin in your mid-twenties is a terribly bad thing, as though you are missing out on something or it makes you less of a person. I’ve been told many times by a girl who I am no longer friends with that I needed to “hook up”, and it made me so angry, because I didn’t *need* to do anything. I don’t think your reasoning for waiting is ridiculous at all. I don’t think anyone’s reason for choosing to save themselves are ridiculous, because they are personal, and they are valued, and are not something that should be undermined.
I think the quote from Easy A sums it perfectly; when and how you choose to have sex is not the sort of information that people should feel they have the right to know. The sad thing is that our society has really blurred the lines between private life and public life so far that it’s nearly indistinguishable.
Thank you for writing this article! I am still a virgin at 25 and glad that I have waited. I am not waiting for marriage either. Just waiting for the right time and guy. My doctor was actually impressed after I told her. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. I feel a whole lot better after reading this. Thank you for sharing.
I feel like I should address the concept of “everything but”: virginity or sexual purity are nothing but a construct of patriarchal society which places value on women based on religious, child-bearing and/or sexual roles. Please do yourself a favor and give yourself permission to define your sexuality on your own terms, not those of a society built by men that will at every opportunity belittle your existence as a human. (and if, like me, you’re a fan of a little research, consider reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti)
I love how there are still real girls out there to not be afraid about voicing their true selves! This is a great read!
I am a guy. I am a virgin. And this was an inspiring post to read. I am a bit of a romantic and always wanted to wait until I truly cared about someone (even if I rarely ever get a date in this giant world of ours), so hearing someone say that the world is not like The 40 Year-Old Virgin is really great to hear. And I can only write this hear because that’s what HelloGiggles helps people do, just tell the truth.
Thank you so, so much for writing this. Lately, I’ve felt like I’m so alone. I’m 23 and still a virgin. I’m not dating right now, but for the past two years when I’ve had boyfriends, have been pressured to have sex. I refused, and neither relationship ended very well. I just want it to be right, and have a solid, stable and loving relationship before I expose a part of myself like that. I don’t feel as weird anymore. Thanks everyone for sharing their stories, and like I said, I’m glad I’m not alone
20 year old “unicorn” and for the same reasons as you. Glad to see I’m not the only one either. Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me proud that other people have standards when it comes to something I consider to be very important.
Heather- You’re lovely and I’m so glad you posted this. Sex, the having of or the not having of is something that unfortunately still carries a stigma. Luckily the world has ladies like you willing to stand up and discuss it in a way that is open and free and natural and all the things that the discussion of- and for that matter the act of- sex should be.
I’m so glad I’ve gotten to know you and I feel like I owe you cupcakes or something.
Oh, geez…how I wish I had read this when I was 23. At that age, I too was a virgin and wanted soooo badly to rid myself of my “curse” and when I did, I regretted it, destroyed a friendship and RUINED sex for myself for quite a few years. My advice now? F%$# society and what it thinks you should with your lady parts. If you meet someone, and you find yourself comfortable with them, and you love him/her and you are comfortable with your decision, THAT’S when you have sex. No sooner, no later. My biggest regret is not practicing that until now. Kudos Lady! You’re a wise one!!
Thank you so much for this. I’m bookmarking the bejeezus out of it.
I’m a 22-year-old unicorn
Idk what to say that hasn’t been said, but thank you to Heather and everyone else who posted before me. I used to be ashamed of it, of course in high school and part of college. Not just pertaining to sex, but “doing stuff.” Baha, that’s kinda funny to say. I’ve only recently gotten over the embarrassment of being a virgin no more than a year ago. No one has directly pressured me in giving it up, but I just kinda make myself feel that way because none of my friends are virgins. Now I’m nothing but proud of myself, as are my friends of me. Because doing it when you wanna do it is KICKING ASS. <3
Hey, I’m 22 and have never even been kissed and I see it as a blessing! There’s more of us out there than you think. Those twenty-something or older virgins are not alone.
Also, who wants to be an everyday horse when you can be a magical unicorn?
@Meredith Hammond thank you I was just about to post 23y/o and Never been kissed; I don’t feel so alone anymore.
I’ve been reading some of the other comments and it makes me really happy that people are in the same boat as me. I am 22 and a virgin. I’m proud of it. I’m not holding out for religious reasons nor am I waiting till marriage. I’m waiting till I meet a man who is committed to me and who I am committed to. I will lose my virginity at some point, but it won’t be until my heart is in it. Thanks for writing this blog Heather!!!
I’m an 18 year old virgin. Which can be quite shocking for my generation. It’s funny because my only other non-virgin friend and I refer to ourselves as unicorns! But, I’ve also never been kissed or had boyfriend. It’s lonely but i figured that this is right for me! Its like the world knows I’m not ready and wants me to wait it out! I also like to remind myself that if this was the middle ages We’d be the most prized possessions! all jokes aside, I’m glad to read that there are more people not ashamed of their sexuality (or lack of)!
it seems so crazy to me that so many people in our society today have this idea that its shameful to be a virgin. 23 is still so young! you have your whole life ahead of you still!
i respect your decision and reasoning so much. i hope that this article can inspire others to respect themselves enough to wait for the right person. because it’s true, loving and trusting the person you are having sex with, makes the entire experience that much better.
Define sex. Many of these folks are virgins who have never been kissed. Others have simply not engaged in vaginal intercourse. Who is the true unicorn here?
*applause* Be proud of your virginity; women should stop thinking of it as some form of disease that needs to be cured. Of course, that would be helped if movies and TV weren’t busy feeding women the line that they can’t be fulfilled without a man in their life to have bang-up sex with.
Yes! That guy is out there! Keep waiting for him!
i was a virgin, as in never-did-ANYTHING-AT-ALL virgin til i was 22. then i fell in love. it was amazing.
he just broke my heart two weeks ago. i’m wishing i were still a 23 year old virgin like you.
I am 23 years old and recently got married. I waited until our wedding night to lose my virginity, and because I wanted to wait, my now husband waited with me. I’m telling you even though I felt that everyone was having sex (and we had a younger cousin have a child as a teenager during this time), it was so worth the wait! I’m not saying it was easy, but I wouldn’t have changed it for anything! Proud of you!!
I loved this post. I was a virgin till i was 21. I was not in love with the boy I love it to, but it was very close to love and the best part of all, HE WAS A VIRGIN TOO, and I was even more experienced then him so I felt so pressure and he never asked, I was ready on my own. We had a terrible breakup 3 months later and he ended up being a jerk — but I don’t regret it. He was patience, gentle and kind. I think its important to feel comfortable emotionally, sexually and physically whoever you lose it to. Its a very vulnerable and passionate situation. However, he is the ONLY guy I have been with. Its been a year and a half now and I’m okay with that too. Another thing in society is that people think once you have done it, its okay to do it whenever. Not for me. I still want to make sure the next person I am with I feel comfortable emotionally, sexually and physically and that is it MY DECISION!
Ladies, even if the relationship doesnt work out try to remember the night you lost it and the weeks to follow. As long as all that is good then that is all that matters. Not every relationship will work out but as long as the guy cares for you and isnt trying to just get in your pants dont regret it. I have heard horror stories of peoples firsts and am so glad mine was not and I am going to stick to my guns and make sure all the times that follow are just the same!
the boy i lost it to** i felt no pressure**** damn typos haha
p.s. I was just like you very proud of being a virgin and am proud now my number is only 1. you go girl for being brave and proud of what you believe <33
I want to Thank you so much for writing this. Helps me to not feel alone as I read everyone’s comments & feelings. – that’s comforting <3 I loved all the reference to being magical "unicorns" too, they helped shine a smile.
The quote from Easy A & this quote from YOU I really loved. I feel the same way
"I know I’ll have sex one day in the future and love will sweep me off of my feet, but in the meantime I’ll focus on what I want to get out of life for myself and keep working hard because those are currently my biggest priorities."
So Grateful for HelloGiggles…
i still have the v card and i’m 22. waiting. still waiting.
You’re my favorite! Thank you for this!
By the way, do you still blog on your blogspot?
i didn’t even get a kiss until I was 24, and I had no idea there were so many of us out there. Whoa. I am married now and have a VERY active sex life with my husband, so it doesn’t make you a freak to wait. I actually feel like I enjoy sex more having encountered it as an adult–I have way fewer hangups and habits and weird sex baggage than some of the people I know who started as teenagers.
Thanks for sharing. I was a virgin till I was 25, and got married to the man I had been with for 2 1/2 years. My reasons were mostly religious. But after having sex I can’t imagine doing that with someone you didn’t love deeply. A females first time can be really hard and pretty painful. You want someone who cares about how you feel and what you’re going through to go through it with you. For me, Love is a definite must! Keep holding on it’s totally worth the wait.
This article it’s so great! I’m 24 years old and I’m a virgin too. And it’s not because of my religion or anything like that! It’s because I never found the right guy. And also, I’m really shy, so that doesn’t help either. I’m really glad that I’m not the only one, because I feel really embarased about this (especially when my mom asks me if I am with someone!). Anyway…THANK YOU for writing this…now I know that I’m not the only one waiting for Mr. Wright.
pd: I’m from Argentina so sorry if there is any mistake in my writing:)