Thank You For Being You, Chris Brown

Chris Brown deleted his Twitter this past Sunday after exchanging choice words with comedian Jenny Johnson. Really obscure and difficult words that really convey intelligence, like “potvaliancy” and ” balsamaceous.” Just kidding! They were more of the ilk that conveyed he wanted to fart on her and then defecate on her retinas while calling her a Bush Pig with Bush Pig swag. Don’t worry, I urbandictionaried it for you — it’s an insult meant for an ugly woman, which is funny because Jenny Johnson looks like a blonde model while Chris Brown looks like a dude who has a tattoo on his face.

But these are things you already know. You’ve already heard about Chris Brown deleting his Twitter. You probably know more about Chris Brown deleting his Twitter than the basics of biochemistry and the situation in Gaza. I’m no different — calling it “the situation in Gaza” is intentionally vague on my part, because I am embarrassingly ignorant to the finer details of Israel and Palestine. And I’m only 40% sure that there are even basics to biochemistry. But I do know Chris Brown deleted his Twitter on Sunday. This is because we can’t stop paying attention to Chris Brown. I know we want Chris Brown to go away, but the 3 years since his 2009 arrest after beating his (ex?)-girlfriend Rihanna have proven that nothing will rid Chris Brown from our lives. In this way, Chris Brown is very much like genital herpes and the smell in my fridge that won’t go away because I threw out raw chicken way too late. It’s there. Lingering. Offending. Beating (my olfactory system into submission).

There have been surges of people calling for Brown’s Grammys to be taken away, for television to stop giving him air time, for radio stations to ban his music. We’ve been angry at the professional leniency the media has given Brown, and rightfully so. There’s no sense in getting angry. We tried that and it hasn’t worked. We can’t change this. So in lieu of going away, we get the second best thing that can happen to us: Chris Brown won’t stop making headlines. He’s punching out windows at Good Morning America and getting into fights with Drake at nightclubs in SoHo. He’s constantly being terrible all over the United States and it’s the best thing he could be doing for society. His constant erratic behavior is demonstrative of his irrecoverably flawed sense of what is moral and just. It serves as a consistent reminder that domestic abuse is not a one-time thing. Chris Brown didn’t make a bad choice, he’s a bad person.

So thank you for being you, Chris Brown. I can’t wait to hear about you biting off a baby kitten’s paw someday. It’s only the natural progression of your career’s trajectory.

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