Champagne Problems

Terrified of Online Dating?

ME TOO! But as time clicks on through my hip mortality clock, I can’t help but wonder: ‘Hey, I shop online. I work (eh, hm) online and I spend my time conversing with employees, co-workers, executives and other possible job opportunities online. So why, for some weird reason, does mating with a human that might be the dude of my dreams frighten me online?’ Well, one word: “Craigslist Gone Wrong”. (That was three words and its officially the oldest joke in the book. Like, “Grandpa still where’s suspenders” old, but still a treat nonetheless.)

“Craigslist Gone Wrong” was a fear for a lot of parents as their kids began jumping online and cruising the web meeting people left and right without supervision. It’s a real thing, and it should always be monitored. However, after a while, us adults find ourselves too busy and in the worst dating funks of our lives because everyone we meet is completely not our type. Not, ‘bad people’ per se, just completely not our type (AKA bad people. JK!). So, whats a femme fatale who owns pleather pants to do? Well, maybe she can buckled down and pull her act together on a online dating profile that’s mature and popular with a solid record of hooking people up in a not-creepy-like-creepy-like-your-uncle-bud type of way.

That’s what Captain Champagne Problems was thinking recently. (I’m Captain Champagne Problems, btw). Now, is this a desperate call for someone to impregnate me so one day my spawn could one day sit on the iron throne? (Whoops sorry, that’s Game of Thrones talk. I sometimes blend the two.) But the answer is no either way. Captain Champagne Problems (me again)  is tired of meeting people that are swell, but not swell “for her” because of their nervous tick or their allergy to cotton or their inability to try any other food other than pizza or their tooth that falls out during sex. (True story, we’ll cover that a different day.) I mean, those things are adorable to some people, but not me. So, maybe that’s what I’ll do.

Maybe I’ll embark on some “OK Cupid”, or “Alright Cupid” or “Who Cares, Cupid” sites and see how it works out. I mean, I like dating. I just hate breaking up. And, yes technology scares me a bit. (Well, Instagram scares me a bit but I could hack it.)  Look, why not? A  good portion of my life is break ups and they are sponsored by Cabernet, Merlot and a boat load of “avoiding eye contact”.

So, if you are in the boat with me sinking fast into a ocean full of curiousness, I say pull the trigger. It will be a fun experiment for all of us. And, I would LOVE to have my little litter of children ask me how Daddy and I met and I can reply, “Well, honey, I was at a really funny yet sexy low point and went online.”

Let the therapy for my kids begin. #nailedit

Image via AliceDison

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  • Kayla Greene

    I’m on and, so far, I’ve received propositions from a 48-year old self-proclaimed sugar daddy, a guy who drives a BMW but wanted to split a $6 check, and an Italian dude who seemed totally normal until he insisted on sending me a picture of his junk. Happy hunting! :)

  • Christina Boucher

    A friend of mine did the whole online dating thing and it actually went okay for her. She got the occasional serial killer asking her to go out but she actually met a guy who she’s been seeing for a while now. And she hasn’t found any heads in his freezer, y’know, yet. But I think she’s one of the lucky ones.

  • Dylan Hernandez

    I have gone on a ton of online dates. I have recently met a couple people I wouldn’t mind seeing again, but the best story I have BY FAR is the guy who e-mailed me the next day and said
    “It was nice meeting with you last night, but I don’t think we are a good match. Good luck in your search.” Why did he e-mail when he had my number… and why did he feel so inclined to tell me that. I wasn’t feelin’ it either, but I didn’t go out of my way to text home boy and tell him I didn’t want to see him again. My response “Ha, I love how you felt the need to e-mail me that. It was pretty obvious. Have a nice life.”

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