Let me start off by saying that Disney is awesome. Yay Disney! Woo! *Waves Mickey Mouse flag* Yet no matter how awesome Disney is, I can’t help but notice all the not so awesome moral lessons that sneak into my favourite, awesome Disney movies. So here is a list of questionable morals that I have picked up:
• The Hunchback of Notre Dame
This movie makes me super sad. The ending is not happy, I don’t care what uplifting tunes you play to me, I am going to be a gross, damp wreck, because it is a SAD MOVIE! Okay, here’s the moral that makes me blubber every. Single. Time: Be as sweet and kind and heroic as you want, you ain’t gonna get the girl. I’m sorry, okay? But look at Phoebus. Look at that sexy beard, the hair that you could run your fingers through, that cocky, knowing smile. He’s an animation and even I’m getting worked up, there’s no helping Esmeralda. Sorry Quasi, you’re just not my type. How sad is that? If there’s no hope for Quasimodo, who SAVED THE DAY, how is there any hope for me, with my lack of heroism and craft skills? Sniff.
Do any of you know the actual, true story of this? Like the truth facts on which this movie is based? No? Well, let me enlighten you. Pocahontas was a child when she met John Smith. Yeah, it’s generally agreed that she saved his life, by putting her head on his just as her tribe were about to beat his brains out, but there was no romance going on there, and if there had been, it would NOT be fodder for a Disney film. Also, don’t try to save someone else’s life. You will get shot and lose your chance at true love because you’ve sailed to a country with no hospitals. Heroism is dangerous, don’t try this at home.
• Beauty and the Beast
Belle is by far my favorite Disney princess, because she is smart. She reads books and everything, which is way more than any other female does in a Disney movie; they’re way too busy preening or cooking or cleaning, there’s a lot of housekeeping being done in these movies. Anyway, despite Belle being oh so awesomely smart, all the men want her babies just because she’s hot. Yeah, she’s pretty and all, but check out those brains! The way her fingers fly over the pages is hot right? Right? I guess not. Even when she finally gets the prince, *cough* Beast *cough* it’s because of the super wow moment with the yellow dress. Okay, you could argue that he goes for her because of the rose curse thing, but that’s hardly a moral high point is it? If a guy is desperate enough, he’ll want you. Throw away the literature ladies, you don’t need it if your hair is voluminous and the guy you’ve got your eye on is in serious need of a good wax.
Oh Hercules, clumsy, funny-looking Hercules. Didn’t think you were a God did you? Well you are, congrats. Oh, you wanna come home? Well tough luck. Because of those two ugly, little creatures and that delicious poison you sucked down so eagerly, you’re kinda screwed for a while. Don’t worry though. All you have to do to be accepted back into the bosom of the shiny Gods is to nearly die. Of course, we’re not gonna tell you that. We’ll just lie back and watch you work your butt off, almost getting ourselves killed in the process, but yeah. A near death experience maketh the hero. Also, don’t bother with that health and safety nonsense. Three crazy hags are the keepers of mortality, so just steal their eye and hide their scissors. Sorted.
• The Little Mermaid
No-one told Ariel how awesome she was, clearly. Her self-esteem was shattered, she just couldn’t accept who she was, scales and all. When she saw her first hot guy, she sold her soul for him, changed her appearance completely, and, voila, she got the guy. Because that’s how love works right? “Oh wow, that guy’s pretty dishy, and his dog’s adorable, I’m gonna add a few extra limbs to my body ‘cause I’ve heard he’s into that.” “Oh wow, that girl sure is perty, and she has the sort of limbs I like. She can’t speak, but that’s cool, I won’t bother to learn sign language, guessing games are a giggle and oh wow! Look at THAT girl! Now that girl has limbs AND a voice, I’m off.” Eventually Ariel and Eric are united, on the condition that Ariel keeps her new limbs and stops with all the breathing under water stuff. How’s that for confidence boosting?