Eleanor Roosevelt Goes Dear Abby: Tell Grandma Ellie All About It, Part 2Courtney Barnett

Dear Ellie,

I’m afraid that sometimes I toe the line of proper conduct a bit too loosely. I am not party-animal in the contemporary sense or anything like that, but as a tremendously fun-loving nerd I have always been exceedingly comfortable in the company of men as much as women.

Now that I am looking towards matrimony sometime within the next year with my best friend (not to mention my first and only love), I wonder if my having other close male friends will cause problems for my beau and me or if I’m just over-thinking this.

Is it a bad idea to even converse with them via the internet? I don’t know how to gauge the situation. Please help.

Sincerely,
Nerd-ette Naive?

Dear Nerdette Naive,

Your friends are a reflection of you, so as long as you are keeping pleasant company, there is no shame in whatever gender you choose to surround yourself with. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. Please pick ones who wear sensible walking shoes. That being said, how many toes are you placing on this line, Ette?  If we’re speaking of fun-loving as in Scrabble games that go all the way to 8 o’clock at night or getting that crazy stamp taste on your tongue from campaigning, I don’t see a problem! Surely your betrothed can understand. In fact, I’d use your innocent fraternization, for I’m certain that it is, as the opportunity to keep him on his toes. My Frankie used to have a handsy secretary, so every time I feared he was getting out of line, I reminded him I was viewed as more powerful than the United States Army. Fact, sister. You may be married but he’s not your only friend and you should have no guilt in seeking platonic company. I so love my Frankie, but if I didn’t have my side hobbies like human rights, civil rights, feminism, child labor laws, the United Nations, television appearances, column writing, taking pictures with later handsome Presidents, and our exhaustingly bright five children, I would’ve just gone bonkers thinking about the way he smacked his mouth as he chewed!

xoxo ellie

Dear Ellie,

My younger sister has everything going for her. Perfect husband. Perfect house. Perfect Job. Perfect Feet. Meanwhile, I’m struggling to pay my bills. I love her, but I’m having a hard time not letting the green-eyed monster creep in. How do I handle my jealousy?

Sincerely,
Don’t Make Me “Baby Jane” You

Dear Baby Jane,

I may not have a sister, but my cousin Alice served as a fine replacement for one and sounds a lot like this soeur of yours, always making me feel like a regular ol’ Negative Nancy just because she had more confidence and a stronger jawline. You see, Alice was a real baby vamp, a high hat who could cut a rug without spilling her drink, while I lectured enough party guests about proper utensil usage my own mother nicknamed me “Granny”.  We were different people. But, my little Greeny McGreenface, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Alice’s own father suggested she be more like me, but she knew she wasn’t meant for my lifestyle, you know, of changing the world and stuff, and decided to live as the person she so desired. I guarantee you your sister probably has the same thoughts about you, a single gal with the freedom to dance ’til  dawn with any dapper egg she so chooses. Don’t fret, my dear. A woman who places so much pride in her home and feet probably doesn’t get out into the world much. What does she have, a two-story with a jacuzzi tub and a top-rated school district? It’s no White House, hun. She’s most likely day-drinking because there’s no such thing as a perfect husband, even President ones.

xoxo ellie

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  1. Very amusing, Courtney.

  2. She is so wise that Ellie.