When I was 16, my father took away my laptop and told me I wouldn’t get it back until I cleaned my room. He left for work and instead of cleaning my room, I began to hunt around the house for my computer. I stood silently in the middle of the living room as I scanned slowly from left to right in search of my dearly beloved until I heard the familiar white noise my laptop produced. Barely audible clicks and high-pitched motor sounds emitted at a frequency I’m sure his middle-aged ears couldn’t hear. I froze and then slowly walked toward the noise until I found my laptop, still running, on top of a high shelf behind decorations.
I thought that listening to what I consider my laptop’s mating call in order to find it was an indication of craziness. I assume my father had similar thoughts. Well, you know what, Dad? At least I didn’t poison your milkshake to gain Internet access like this Californian teen did.
The 16-year-old girl and her friend offered to buy the parents milkshakes, but then added a special, secret ingredient: crushed up anti-anxiety medication. With her parents fast asleep, nary a worry in their heads, she was able to bypass her 10 PM internet curfew. While a chocolate milkshake laden with Xanax sounds like a damned dream some days, I guess it’s not ideal if you’re a real adult with children and a job. But maybe we’re not placing enough blame on the parents. Maybe they should have been more aware. If your teenagers are offering to buy you milkshakes, just immediately assume they are trying to drug you. I was a teenager once. I know how they think. I’m surprised I didn’t try to poison my mother every single time she picked up the land line and disconnected my dial-up. YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, TEENS. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED IN THE EARLY 2000s. You don’t even know. You don’t even know.
This is just another situation that proves that video games are controlling our kids’ minds. I am calling for a ban on all milkshake video games. And certainly no more Cooking Mama. It’s too much. How many parents have to take a forced and uncontrollable nap before we finally outlaw Cooking Mama?
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