Stop Making Me Cry, Google

Alright Google, we need to talk. Your emotional commercials continue to make me a wreck at inopportune times. You’re coming after my heartstrings hard, like one-eyed dogs and P&G during the Olympics. But Sarah McLachlan has nothing on you, because I can’t look away. And I don’t want to. (I am a woman, and I get far too invested in things I have no control over.) But I have to ask: what’s next? I can only tear up so many times during Jersey Shore commercial breaks.

I use your email, I dig your Drive and I downloaded your browser. I’ll probably do anything else you say, too, so please keep it reasonable. You might wonder: why does Google need commercials? Everyone already uses it, right? These are commercials, but they are first and foremost, stories. They use people to humanize technology and make Google’s apps approachable and applicable to our own lives. They make Google relevant. Is that a tear in your eye? Maybe, but it’s also new information about how Google Plus, Maps and Calendar work.

Parisian Love

It all started with Paris. Remember? This one was a Super Bowl commercial – talk about a bad time to get weepy. From “impress a French girl” to “how to assemble a crib,” I ate up the story that unfolded via search engine and rooted for this love struck Nicolas Sparks character every step of the way. But more importantly, I wanted more.

Dear Sophie

Then there was Sophie, the baby girl with her own email account. Her dad collected photos, videos and memories, and used Google to preserve them. Kids: one day they’re learning how to walk, and before you know it, they have their own email address. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

It Gets Better

Google supported the It Gets Better Project with touching stories and messages from wonderfully supportive people. Famous and non-famous, gay and straight, closeted and out, shy and proud: everyone is on the same page when they upload a video of support. It’s heartwarming, comforting and inspiring. And the screen shots of the YouTube user comments get me every time. What’s more, Google’s support of the It Gets Better Project was only the beginning of the fight to end teen bullying.

Jess Time

More recently there was Jess, the college freshman braving it on her own, far away from her dad-and-best-friend-in-one. But did she have to be motherless? Yes, yes she did. Because otherwise I wouldn’t have cried at my desk in the middle of the day.

Coffee, Bieber & GaGa

Now there’s Coffee, where the guy fights for the one that got away, and it turns me into a puddle of estrogen. Who knew Google Drive could be so romantic? Even the Justin Bieber one gives me goosebumps, and the Lady GaGa one makes me smile. There are a few others, but these are the wildly popular (and emotional) ones thus far.

It’s obvious Google is going to keep the waterworks coming, so here are my suggestions for future commercials:
Here, Boy: follow the story of a young college graduate and his first dog, Max, as they grow up and grow wiser together.
Beauty School Dropout: a fashion dropout is finally back on track to get her high school degree. Billy Madison meets Josie Grossie.
All in the Family: after a young man loses his father, he keeps the family auto shop open – and his father’s dream alive.
Lending a Hand: a not-for-profit company uses Google to plan and organize their day-to-day, with the commercial’s emphasis on employees personally delivering supplies to the less fortunate.
I Do: the triumphs and stresses of a bride and groom planning their wedding.

Kudos, Google. You’re right: the web is what you make of it. You keep it coming, and I’ll get more tissues.

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