The Week In WHAT?! Starbucks Now Serves Off-Menu "Secret" Drinks Jonathan Zipper

It’s the most wonderful time of the year — for “best of 2013” countdown lists, of course! Speaking of lists, there’s only a few more days to change Santa’s perception of you before he finalizes his. Have you been more naughty or nice this year?

Many stories featured in our weekly “The Week In WHAT?!” round-up surely landed some not-so-law-abiding citizens on the naughty list. What’s in store for this week? Check it out after the jump!

Tiny Bubbles Coming to a Cup Near You

The most interesting drink currently available at Starbucks isn’t on the menu, but in a few seconds, you’ll know how to order one. Are you ready? Okay, here it goes: next time your favorite barista asks what you would like, drop the word “coffeezy.” For those of you not into faux verbiage, simply say “carbonated,” and then the magic happens as your boring old cup o’ joe becomes coffee soda! Sadly, Kanye may have trouble getting a regular coffee at the ‘bucks ever again. If coffeezy sounds gross to you, try carbonating a non-coffee based beverage instead. PS: Congratulations on becoming human Sodastreams, Starbucks baristas!

“OOPS!” Goes the Arizona Department of Public Safety

A law enforcement officer in Arizona woke up to an ironically rude awakening when she learned she’s not actually a U.S. citizen. Following a federal investigation, authorities determined that Carmen Figueroa, who served as a spokesperson for Arizona’s Department of Public Safety, is now ineligible to serve as a policewoman despite her 10 previous years of service because she’s residing in the country illegally. Her citizenship status came into question when her brother, a member of the U.S. Air Force, applied for a passport. The fraudulent Social Security cards and birth certificates Figueroa and her brother were using had never previously raised any suspicion. While these two seem like would-be “upstanding citizens,” it makes you wonder what else authorities overlook when it comes to fraudulent documentation.

The 40-Year-Old Fetus

(Warning: The following story is a bit graphic in nature. Reader discretion is advised.)

An octogenarian in Colombia reported discomfort that her doctors originally associated with a stomach bug only to discover a 40-year-old fetus lodged in her abdomen. After various tests proved inconclusive, an abdominal radiography scan revealed the sizable yet not-fully-developed fetus, which is known as a “stone baby,” located outside of the uterus. Long story short: the woman’s body was unable to absorb the remains of her unborn child and naturally calcified it to prevent infection. The human body certainly works in mysterious ways!

Hot and Bothered By Raw Meat

A UK man found his own way of taking twerking in the supermarket to another obscene level. While browsing around the meat aisle, Eugenio Freitas felt a sudden burst of sexual energy. So, he chose to alleviate his horny urge by pleasuring himself in the store. Freitas allegedly told his probation officer that he had a propensity for “masturbating in public.” Is it impossible for people to go to supermarkets simply for provisions anymore? Good thing Lady Gaga’s meat dress didn’t become a must-have fashion staple.

2013 in a Flash

The folks at PBS Newshour put together a 15-second video featuring eight of the biggest world events that happened in 2013. Whether or not you missed experiencing any of these major moments as they trended across every social media outlet, it’s a chance to re-live the year in headlines (in less time than it would take you to watch 3 Vine videos).

And there you have this week in “WHAT?!” Can’t wait to see what’s in store for humanity next!

Image via Precision Nutrition.

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  1. what, coffee?
    boom, roasted.

  2. the only secret about it is the baristas don’t know the drinks. please, as a fellow barista…if you are going to order from the “secret menu” tell us what is in it, not “I want the cookies and cream” or whatevs you are ordering. Half the time we have no idea how to make it because we aren’t trained on how to make the secret menu drinks…
    also, the only carbonated drink that sbux has is the pellegrino water which you have to buy along with that coffee you were getting, so dont think that A) we have an abundance of soda to put in your drinks and B) that you are just paying for the soda /or/ coffee and C) that we freaking know what a coffeezy is…

  3. that law enforcement story… i really feel sorry for her. she’s obviously worked very hard to become a citizen, she pays taxes, she does hard work. our immigration laws in the US are so ass-backwards. in the 1800s all you had to do was show up at ellis island and register, and you became an american. what kind of fucked up country have we become? what does the statue of liberty even stand for anymore?

    • Did she and her brother not know that they weren’t real US citizens? If that’s the case, then I call foul. If you’ve lived here for that long, serving as a helpful and respectful member of society, then you deserve to have what you thought you had – US citizenship. You shouldn’t be punished for your parents’ mistakes. If they had known, they could have applied years ago!